In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
Sample Response
Development has brought numerous benefits to human society like high birth mortality, high life expectancy etc. At the same time, there are many new challenges which have cropped up as a side effect of the development. For example, the ageing population is developed countries has created an enormous financial burden. This essay would elaborate about few of the effects of the ageing population on developed societies and would also talk about few possible steps which can be taken to overcome these problems. A country needs working masses to produce enough output to sustain its population. These younger generation working people are the backbone of the financial system and add to Gross Domestic Product, a benchmark of development index. In developed countries, it is argued that the population ratio is skewed towards older people who are adding least to the gross domestic output and hence creating a financial burden on working masses and to the governments. China was fastest growing economy till last decade when it had most of its population younger and hence in workable condition. With development, its population I older now due to various reasons including higher life expectancy. This has significantly brought down China's growth because there are fewer people to work in its factories. Hence, we can see clearly link the financial degradation occurring in developed and developing nations to its growing aged people. But, as it is said, every problem has a solution, so has to this problem too. Governments should first try to attack the root cause directly by encouraging citizens to opt for more children. Tax rebates and other incentives should be given to families who have more than 3 children. This will solve the problem in near term. As an immediate solution, the laws should be tweaked to encourage immigration. Younger and productive people from developing countries would help elevate the gross domestic output immediately. These measures, as one can see, are increasingly being popular in the United States and Canada. Therefore, while financial impact of the ageing population is huge but it can easily be overcome by taking certain measures like allowing foreign immigrants and encouraging high birth rate.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Wrong concept Original: high birth mortality Suggested revision: low infant mortality Why it matters: Development usually reduces infant mortality; high birth mortality contradicts the intended meaning.
- 2. Wrong preposition Original: ageing population is developed countries Suggested revision: ageing population in developed countries Why it matters: Use in to locate the issue in developed countries.
- 3. Article and preposition Original: would elaborate about few Suggested revision: will elaborate on a few Why it matters: Elaborate takes on, and few needs an article here.
- 4. Unnatural phrase Original: working masses Suggested revision: working-age population Why it matters: Working-age population is the standard demographic term.
- 5. Awkward noun phrase Original: younger generation working people Suggested revision: younger workers Why it matters: The shorter phrase is clearer and more natural.
- 6. Unnatural comparison Original: adding least Suggested revision: contributing less Why it matters: Contributing less is the natural collocation for economic output.
- 7. Parallel structure Original: working masses and to the governments Suggested revision: working people and governments Why it matters: Remove the unnecessary preposition and use parallel nouns.
- 8. Missing article Original: China was fastest growing economy Suggested revision: China was the fastest-growing economy Why it matters: The superlative phrase needs the article the.
- 9. Wrong phrase Original: workable condition Suggested revision: working age Why it matters: Working age is the correct demographic expression.
- 10. Typo and verb Original: population I older now Suggested revision: population is older now Why it matters: The sentence needs the verb is.
- 11. Extra verb pattern Original: clearly link Suggested revision: clearly see the link Why it matters: The phrase after can should use one main verb structure.
- 12. Unclear structure Original: so has to this problem too Suggested revision: this problem has a solution too Why it matters: The original structure is ungrammatical.
Suggested Rewrites
- high birth mortality low infant mortality
- ageing population is developed countries ageing population in developed countries
- would elaborate about few will elaborate on a few
- working masses working-age population
- younger generation working people younger workers
- adding least contributing less
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses both problems and measures related to ageing populations, especially financial pressure, labour shortages, immigration, and higher birth rates. However, it focuses heavily on economic effects and gives limited attention to individual problems such as healthcare, retirement, loneliness, or family care.
Add one paragraph on individual impacts and one on social impacts, then match each measure to a specific problem.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a recognizable introduction, problem discussion, solutions, and conclusion, but it is written as one long paragraph. Progression is generally understandable, though some examples, especially China, are not clearly tied to developed countries.
Use clear paragraph breaks and topic sentences for financial burden, labour shortage, and policy solutions.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for the topic, with phrases such as financial burden, working population, gross domestic output, tax rebates, incentives, and immigration. Accuracy is reduced by awkward or incorrect phrases such as high birth mortality, working masses, workable condition, and financial degradation.
Use precise demographic terms: low infant mortality, working-age population, labour force, economic slowdown, and ageing population.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is mostly clear, but grammar errors are frequent in articles, prepositions, agreement, verb forms, and sentence construction. Several long sentences need clearer clause boundaries.
Break long sentences into shorter units and check subject-verb agreement in phrases such as population is and people are.