Some people think that governments should give financial support to creative artists such as painters and musicians. Others believe that creative artists should be funded by alternative sources. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
More and more artists are naturally born since the dawn of time. As a result, it has been the subject of discussion on whether the state or a non-government institution should support them financially. These points of view will be discussed in this order. It is believed by some that the country's administration should finance the creative artists. For instance, under President Ferdinand E. Marcos regime, all of our skilfully created arts by the Filipino artists were provided by all the helps they needed. Like Fernando Amorsolo, one of the most famous painters in the Philippines was funded by the late President Marcos and even his first exhibition held in the National Museum of the country. Thus, he was known by visitors who came and saw his creations internationally, and this led him to exhibit his paintings in different countries. He made our country known around the world and he is indeed a Filipino pride. On the other hand, many argue that NGOs (Non-government Organisations) should be the one financing them. An idea that may support this is that the government has a lot of funding already and they cannot afford to finance these creators of arts, so it is better to ask for a help to a private institution. For example, the Pro-mil Milk Company has funded the concert of Sarah Geronimo in Araneta Coliseum. She is the most popular singer in the Philippines because she sings magnificently and can touch our deepest emotions. In fact, this private company can make a lot of profit in her concert. In conclusion, for reasons related to the Philippine pride and private institution making of profit when financing arts creators is supported and refuted by many. However, after analysing these two points of view, it is clear that the Philippine government should finance them. Thus, the argument that the state should financially support creative artists can be supported and expected to be realised.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Unnatural claim Original: naturally born since the dawn of time Suggested revision: have existed throughout history Why it matters: The original phrase is awkward and overgeneralised.
- 2. Formulaic signpost Original: These points of view will be discussed in this order. Suggested revision: This essay will discuss both views before giving my opinion. Why it matters: The sentence should be more direct and less mechanical.
- 3. Formal but awkward Original: country's administration Suggested revision: government Why it matters: Government is clearer and sufficient here.
- 4. Wrong noun form Original: all of our skilfully created arts Suggested revision: many skilfully created artworks Why it matters: Artworks fits countable creative products.
- 5. Unnatural passive Original: were provided by all the helps they needed Suggested revision: received the support they needed Why it matters: Support is uncountable; helps is incorrect here.
- 6. Missing verb Original: and even his first exhibition held Suggested revision: and even his first exhibition was held Why it matters: The passive clause needs was.
- 7. Unnatural passive Original: he was known by visitors Suggested revision: he became known to visitors Why it matters: This better expresses public recognition.
- 8. Article error Original: a Filipino pride Suggested revision: a source of Filipino pride Why it matters: This is the natural expression.
- 9. Agreement and style Original: should be the one financing them Suggested revision: should be the ones financing them Why it matters: NGOs is plural, and the phrase can be made more formal.
- 10. Uncountable noun Original: ask for a help Suggested revision: ask for help Why it matters: Help is uncountable in this use.
- 11. Unclear logic Original: government has a lot of funding already Suggested revision: government budgets are already stretched Why it matters: The original seems to say the opposite of the intended argument.
- 12. Awkward phrase Original: private institution making of profit Suggested revision: private institutions making a profit Why it matters: Use a clear noun phrase.
Suggested Rewrites
- naturally born since the dawn of time have existed throughout history
- These points of view will be discussed in this order. This essay will discuss both views before giving my opinion.
- country's administration government
- all of our skilfully created arts many skilfully created artworks
- were provided by all the helps they needed received the support they needed
- and even his first exhibition held and even his first exhibition was held
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The answer discusses both government and alternative funding and gives a clear opinion supporting government funding. However, the argument is narrow, relying almost entirely on Philippine examples, and the opposing view is not fully developed beyond one commercial example.
Add a general reason for each side, such as public cultural value for government support and independence from political influence for private funding.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has an identifiable sequence, but it appears as one block and uses formulaic signposting. Some examples are long and reduce the clarity of the overall progression.
Use separate paragraphs for the introduction, government funding, alternative funding, and opinion conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is relevant vocabulary about artists, exhibitions, private institutions, and financial support. Lexical errors and awkward phrases are frequent, such as arts creators, making of profit, and all the helps they needed.
Use standard phrases such as creative artists, financial assistance, private sponsorship, cultural heritage, and commercial profit.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are attempted, but agreement, articles, prepositions, and passive forms are often inaccurate. Meaning is usually clear, though several sentences sound unnatural.
Simplify long example sentences and check article use before singular countable nouns such as exhibition, company, and institution.