Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. Which one do you agree with? Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
It is generally accepted that we all require leisure time to recover from the hassle of works and everyday life. There are many ways individuals can spend their spare time. Few people believe the playing scrabble or reading a novel in free time is the best approach as it progresses mind, however, others believe that we should give rest to the brain. This essay will analyse both views before drawing a conclusion.
On the one hand, people relax by playing sports, watching movies, playing scrabble and so on. They say that these physical and mental activities serve as a tonic and refresh them to face new challenges. For instance, people who are largely involved in indoor work like Computer Operator or Radar Operator spent most of their time in front of a computer screen and for them to go outside in fresh air, stretching their muscles, playing sports in spare time could ease the workloads and reduces mental pressures.
On the other hand, few people believe that it is good to give rest to mind then involving in mind games and other physical activities. They say that taking a power nap, relaxing on a rocking chair or spending sometimes at the beach as a silent observer would help them to energise their brain and to remain healthy. For instance, people who are involved in outdoor work like cargo loader, courier delivery and so on prefer to spend their leisure time relaxing on a sofa or bed.
Although the above look is a solid evidence for both sides of the argument, I personally believe that it should be up to people to decide what is best for them in leisure time that can help them to relax and remain healthy.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural collocation Original: hassle of works Suggested revision: stress of work Why it matters: Stress of work is the natural phrase.
- 2. Article and determiner Original: Few people believe the playing scrabble Suggested revision: Some people believe that playing Scrabble Why it matters: The clause needs that, and the game name should be capitalised.
- 3. Wrong collocation Original: progresses mind Suggested revision: improves the mind Why it matters: This matches the task wording and is natural.
- 4. Article phrase Original: give rest to the brain Suggested revision: give the brain a rest Why it matters: This is the natural expression.
- 5. Formulaic phrase Original: analyse both views before drawing a conclusion Suggested revision: discuss both views and then give my opinion Why it matters: This is clearer and closer to the task.
- 6. Unnatural metaphor Original: serve as a tonic Suggested revision: refresh them Why it matters: The metaphor sounds old-fashioned and imprecise.
- 7. Capitalisation Original: Computer Operator or Radar Operator Suggested revision: computer operators or radar operators Why it matters: These job titles do not need capitals in general use.
- 8. Verb tense Original: spent most of their time Suggested revision: spend most of their time Why it matters: Use present simple for a general statement.
- 9. Parallel verbs Original: could ease the workloads and reduces Suggested revision: could ease the workload and reduce Why it matters: The verbs after could should be base forms.
- 10. Wrong structure Original: give rest to mind then involving Suggested revision: give the mind a rest rather than become involved Why it matters: Then does not express contrast; rather than is needed.
- 11. Word form Original: spending sometimes at the beach Suggested revision: spending some time at the beach Why it matters: Some time is the correct phrase.
- 12. Unclear phrase Original: above look is a solid evidence Suggested revision: arguments above provide solid evidence Why it matters: Evidence is uncountable and above look is not natural.
Suggested Rewrites
- hassle of works stress of work
- Few people believe the playing scrabble Some people believe that playing Scrabble
- progresses mind improves the mind
- give rest to the brain give the brain a rest
- analyse both views before drawing a conclusion discuss both views and then give my opinion
- serve as a tonic refresh them
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives an opinion, but the opinion is weak because it concludes that people should decide for themselves rather than clearly choosing one side. Some examples also drift toward physical activities rather than mental improvement or mental rest.
State whether you personally agree more with improving the mind or resting it, then make every body paragraph connect to that choice.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is clear and the essay moves from introduction to two views and conclusion. Cohesion is basic but workable, although some examples are long and not always tied back to the argument.
End each body paragraph with a sentence that explains how the example supports either mental development or mental rest.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is understandable but often awkward or inaccurate, with phrases such as hassle of works, progresses mind, tonic, and the above look. Topic vocabulary for leisure and mental recovery is limited.
Use natural expressions such as stress of work, improves the mind, mentally refreshing, mental rest, and cognitive activities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Errors with articles, verb forms, prepositions, and sentence structure occur regularly. Meaning is usually clear, but several sentences need rewriting for accuracy.
Check article use before singular nouns and revise verb patterns after believe, prefer, help, and spend.