Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles. Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time. Which one do you agree with? Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
Many people believe that it is significant using spare time for things that enhance the mind, for instance, reading and doing word puzzles. The others think that it is vital to relax the mind during spare time. In my opinion, I agree that people should use leisure time for activities which improve the mind.
In one hand, some people have very exhausting jobs. Therefore, they would like to relax during leisure time, so they do not want to do anything within this time. They think they need to rest. Moreover, many people are lazy, for this reason, they do not keen to do activities to improve the mind. For instance reading a book and doing sudoku puzzles.
On the other hand, many people have stressful jobs too, but they like to enhance the mind. Therefore, they do many things within leisure time such as reading a novel, solving puzzles, doing exercises which are useful for improving the mind. I think that people who utilise spare time doing activities that boost the mind are more successful than others who love to use spare time for relaxing.
Finally, in my opinion, people should use their leisure time to improve the mind. For this reason, people should do anything which is useful for enhancing the mind. Moreover, ı would argue that people should be hard working not to be idle. So they always do something to be more successful. Furthermore, I think some activities are so relaxing while they improve the mind. Such as doing sudoku puzzles.
In conclusion, ı agree that people should do activities that improve the mind during leisure time. because, while that they are performing activities for improving the mind, the activities can contribute to job achievement. Moreover, I think, leisure time should be used effectively since it is so precious.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Verb pattern Original: it is significant using Suggested revision: it is important to use Why it matters: Use the infinitive after this structure.
- 2. More formal phrase Original: things that enhance the mind Suggested revision: activities that stimulate the mind Why it matters: This is more natural and academic.
- 3. General group Original: The others think Suggested revision: Others think Why it matters: No article is needed.
- 4. Incorrect linker Original: In one hand Suggested revision: On the one hand Why it matters: Use the standard phrase.
- 5. Missing verb Original: they do not keen Suggested revision: they are not keen Why it matters: The adjective “keen” needs “be”.
- 6. Fragment Original: For instance reading a book and doing sudoku puzzles. Suggested revision: For instance, they may avoid reading books or doing sudoku puzzles. Why it matters: This needs a main clause.
- 7. Preposition error Original: within leisure time Suggested revision: during their leisure time Why it matters: Use “during” and add a determiner.
- 8. Verb pattern Original: utilise spare time doing activities Suggested revision: use their spare time to do activities Why it matters: This is more natural.
- 9. Informal collocation Original: boost the mind Suggested revision: strengthen cognitive skills Why it matters: Use more precise vocabulary.
- 10. Capitalization Original: ı would argue Suggested revision: I would argue Why it matters: Use a standard capital “I”.
- 11. Fragment Original: Such as doing sudoku puzzles. Suggested revision: For example, doing sudoku puzzles can be relaxing and mentally useful. Why it matters: This fragment needs a full clause.
- 12. Clause error Original: because, while that they are performing Suggested revision: because, while they are doing Why it matters: Remove “that” and simplify the verb phrase.
Suggested Rewrites
- it is significant using it is important to use
- things that enhance the mind activities that stimulate the mind
- The others think Others think
- In one hand On the one hand
- they do not keen they are not keen
- For instance reading a book and doing sudoku puzzles. For instance, they may avoid reading books or doing sudoku puzzles.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay discusses both views and gives a clear opinion, but support is repetitive and some claims about laziness and success are too broad.
Develop each view with one realistic reason and one example, then explain why your own view is stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is present, but progression is uneven and fragments interrupt the flow.
Use clearer topic sentences and make every example a complete sentence.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is enough for the topic, but repeated use of mind, spare time, and activities limits range.
Use phrases such as mental stimulation, cognitive skills, recovery, and leisure activities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Verb-pattern, article, capitalization, and fragment errors are frequent, though main meaning is usually clear.
Focus on gerunds after prepositions, complete sentences, and correct capital “I”.