Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that's why mobile phones should be restricted? To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
In today’s world, mobile phones play a vital role in our personal and professional lives for people of all agesfor people from all age groups. Certainly, it would be difficult to manage everyday tasksit would be difficult to tackle for everyday tasks in our daily life. Despite this, mobile phones posepossess a threat to our health and qualityproductivity of life. Nowadays, everyone has accessibility to mobile phones. Even children use themit for multi-tasking functions like internet browsing, playing games etc. In spite of having many uses, they also have many disadvantagesit also possesses many disadvantages. Researchers have discovered that mobile phones cause many health problems and can cause memory losscan make the loss of memory. Consequently, it affects our productivity of work and is responsible for many health hazards Deletecaused due to it. It creates many psychological disorders in people. As a result of this disorder, lower performancea low-performance level is observed among working class people in business organisations. We all know that mobile phones reduce our efficiency and performance of life. However,But, still, they cannot be abandoned from our lives. Professionals use mobile phones for work in their daily life. Many people argue that they need mobile phones in case of an emergency. For example, For example, patients with chronic diseases such as diabetes or heart disease may need phones in an emergency.patients having any chronic diseases like diabetes, cardiac arrests. People who are in a difficult situation in remote areas need mobile phones for quick communicationcommunications. However, use of mobile phones should be restricted for children but allowed for adults such as working professionalsrestricted to adults like working professionals. Children should not be allowed access to mobile phonesthe accessibility to have a mobile phone. In summary, it would be unconvincing to impose restrictions on the use of mobile phonesrestrictions on usage of mobile phones. I believe the mobile phone has become a part of our daily life. Although it has negative impacts on our health and productivity, the advantages outweigh the disadvantagesit outweighs the advantages it serves to mankind and society.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response presents relevant harms and benefits and includes practical examples, such as emergency communication, so its central ideas are generally understandable. Its effectiveness is limited by an inconsistent position, one-block organisation, underdeveloped support, and frequent awkward phrasing; the highest priority is to establish one clear answer in the introduction, maintain it through focused body paragraphs, and confirm it consistently in the conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response discusses both harms and benefits, but the position is inconsistent. It first says phones should be restricted for adults/children, then concludes that restrictions are unconvincing and that benefits outweigh negative impacts.
Decide on one clear answer to 'to what extent do you agree' and keep that position unchanged from introduction to conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is some logical movement from harms to benefits, but the essay is written as one block with weak paragraphing. Ideas are sometimes repeated and examples are underdeveloped.
Use four paragraphs: introduction with position, harms, benefits/limited restrictions, and conclusion. Start each body paragraph with one controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is relevant to technology and health, but there are repeated inaccurate collocations such as 'possess a threat', 'make the loss of memory', and 'accessibility to have'.
Build a small set of accurate collocations: 'pose a threat', 'cause memory loss', 'access to mobile phones', 'restrict children's use', and 'emergency communication'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Most meaning is understandable, but sentence structure is often awkward, and errors with pronouns, articles, prepositions, and fragments reduce control.
Edit short sentences for complete grammar and combine related ideas using clear subjects and verbs instead of abstract noun phrases.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people believe that mobile phones cause more harms than the benefits and that's why mobile phones should be restricted? To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.