All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Sample Response
As the number of people who are overweight increases from day to day in the majority of countries in the world, it is essential that we consider the reasons for the growth in obesity among both youngsters and grown-ups. This naturally leads us to the question of how societies should treathow should societies treat the people who facefaced the problem of obesityfatness. In this essay, I will explore the reasons for the situation in question, and try to find out the methods that can be applied to reduce obesitycorpulence among the people.
To begin with, obesity may be viewed as a consequence of a better quality of life. Nowadays, workers earn more money and can afford to eat foodafford eating food in the largedesirable amounts. This is not a problem as long as they are physically active. For instance, the US soldiers are keen eaters but their work requires a lot of energy, thus reducingenergy thus reducing the risk of becoming obeseburly. Therefore, the first step to avoid obesityportliness is to do as many physical activities as you can or simply walk about five kilometres a day.
Another common reason whyreason of why people become overweightget stout is the quality of food they consume. It is obvious that humans prefer rich foodsnutrient products, which often contain excessiveinsane amounts of fat. I believe that most of us have to change the diet by including more fruits and vegetables into it and replacing meat with fish, which is better for our healthmore contributing to our health.
Many scientists believe that stress can also cause the wish of devouring more products, especially bakery and sweets. This mainly concerns women rather than men. To avoid this, those who are exposed to stress must find other ways of coping with it. They can relax their nerves by going in for sports, such as swimming and running.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response’s strongest feature is its logical exploration of several causes of obesity alongside corresponding practical solutions. However, some ideas are only partly developed, the ending lacks a conclusion, and repeated attempts at unusual synonyms create imprecise or inappropriate wording. The highest-priority improvement is to organise causes and solutions into clearly defined sections and finish with a concise conclusion that identifies the most practical measures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response identifies several reasons and possible solutions, but it lacks a conclusion and some ideas are only partly explained.
Add a final paragraph summarising the main causes and the most practical solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organised by cause, but solutions are embedded inside body paragraphs and the ending feels incomplete.
Use clearer paragraph roles: causes first, then solutions, then a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is a wide attempt at vocabulary, but many words for obesity sound unnatural or inappropriate, such as "fatness", "corpulence", and "burly".
Use neutral health vocabulary consistently instead of searching for many synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally understandable, but there are errors in question structure, verb forms, prepositions, and noun phrases.
Edit indirect questions and noun phrases before adding more complex vocabulary.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.