The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Sample Response
The given graph presents information on a variety of reasons that tend to impact job performance and it is divided by differentiating between two age categories of 18-30 years and 45-60 years. The data sample is collected from a personnel department at a big company.
Firstly, the graph shows that 90% value personal development between the age ranges of 18-30; followed by comfortable work environment and promotional prospects at an 80%. Secondly, the age range of 45- 60 are motivated by monetary aspects as 70% of the mentioned age group seem to perform better in this category. Thereafter, the particular age group values team spirit as 60% of the age range is provided in the graph chose this category after money. However, though each group varied on their factors affecting their work performance, both age groups were highly motivated and at par by team spirit (60%) and Money (70%- 74%).
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Name the chart Original: The given graph Suggested revision: The bar chart Why it matters: Identify the visual precisely as a bar chart.
- 2. Use accurate term Original: a variety of reasons Suggested revision: a range of factors Why it matters: The chart presents workplace factors rather than reasons.
- 3. Use concise verb Original: tend to impact Suggested revision: affect Why it matters: A direct verb is clearer and matches the task wording.
- 4. Simplify comparison Original: it is divided by differentiating between Suggested revision: it compares Why it matters: The original passive construction is ungrammatical and unnecessarily complex.
- 5. Describe age groups Original: two age categories of 18-30 years and 45-60 years Suggested revision: two age groups, 18–30 and 45–60 Why it matters: This is the natural way to label the two worker groups.
- 6. Correct survey noun Original: data sample Suggested revision: survey data Why it matters: The chart reports survey data, not a data sample collected by the department.
- 7. Use past passive Original: is Suggested revision: were Why it matters: The plural noun requires agreement and the completed survey requires past tense.
- 8. Use definite article Original: a Suggested revision: the Why it matters: The task refers to the specific department that conducted the survey.
- 9. Match task wording Original: big Suggested revision: major Why it matters: This is more precise and appropriately formal.
- 10. Signal age contrast Original: Secondly, Suggested revision: By contrast, Why it matters: The sentence changes to the older group rather than adding a second item in one sequence.
- 11. Name the workers Original: the age range of 45- 60 Suggested revision: workers aged 45–60 Why it matters: An age range itself cannot be motivated.
- 12. Use chart label Original: monetary aspects Suggested revision: money Why it matters: Use the exact factor named in the chart.
Suggested Rewrites
- The given graph The bar chart
- a variety of reasons a range of factors
- tend to impact affect
- it is divided by differentiating between it compares
- two age categories of 18-30 years and 45-60 years two age groups, 18–30 and 45–60
- data sample survey data
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response is strongest when it identifies several prominent figures for the younger group and recognises two factors that affect both age groups similarly. Its coverage is nevertheless narrow and the concluding comparison is unclear, so the chart's broader contrast—especially the older group's relatively greater emphasis on competent management and colleagues—is missing. Prioritise a clear overview of the main age-related patterns, then support it with accurate, well-grouped comparisons.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response reports a few prominent figures accurately but lacks a clear overall pattern and omits many meaningful contrasts between the age groups.
State that younger workers generally value development, promotion and relaxed conditions more, then contrast this with the older group's slightly higher figures for competent management and colleague respect.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and body follow a recognisable order, although mechanical sequencing and unclear references weaken cohesion within the body paragraph.
Group the details by the strongest age differences and the closest similarities, using direct comparative sentences instead of a chain of sequencing expressions.
Lexical Resource
The response uses some appropriate topic vocabulary and less common expressions, but several collocations and percentage phrases are imprecise or awkward.
Use exact chart labels and controlled comparison phrases such as 'the figure for' and 'compared with' to improve lexical precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms is attempted, but recurring agreement, clause-structure and article errors make some comparisons difficult to follow.
Build each comparison around a clear subject and verb, and check agreement when referring to an age group or percentage.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.