The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Sample Response
The stipulated vertical bar chart depicts the outcome of a survey carried out by the personnel department of a major company and the survey was conducted among 18-35 and 45-60 age groups in order to show various elements that influence their job efficiency. At a glance, money is the motivating factor among both age groups.
To commence with, apparently, among both age groups of 18-35 and 45-60, team spirit motivates equal proportion of people that is 60%. Not only the chance for personal development but also the relaxed working environment is influenced youngsters about 90% and 80 % respectively which is twice than older age group. Surprisingly, competent boss and the job satisfaction have almost an equal proportion of workers satisfaction in both age groups. Apparently, job security only motivates 20 percent of elders whereas, it is among youngsters 40. Even though, 80% youngsters are motivated by promotion prospects, in the case of the old group, only 45% work for promotion. Interestingly, both age groups take money as the most equally encouraging factor to work with 75% while work environment was least with 30%.
To conclude, youngsters give great value to chance for personal development at workplaces.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct younger age range Original: among 18-35 and 45-60 age groups Suggested revision: among the 18-30 and 45-60 age groups Why it matters: The chart defines the younger group as workers aged 18-30, not 18-35.
- 2. Simplify transition Original: To commence with, apparently Suggested revision: To begin with Why it matters: Using both a formal opener and apparently is redundant and makes the transition cumbersome.
- 3. Fix repeated age range Original: 35 Suggested revision: 30 Why it matters: The younger survey group is 18-30 according to the chart.
- 4. Add article and noun Original: team spirit motivates equal proportion of people Suggested revision: team spirit motivates an equal proportion of workers Why it matters: Equal proportion requires an article, and workers accurately names the surveyed population.
- 5. Use concise figure link Original: that is 60% Suggested revision: at 60% Why it matters: At is the natural preposition for attaching a percentage to a reported proportion.
- 6. Add article Original: competent boss Suggested revision: a competent boss Why it matters: The singular countable noun boss requires an article.
- 7. Remove unnecessary article Original: the job satisfaction Suggested revision: job satisfaction Why it matters: Job satisfaction is an uncountable general concept and does not take the here.
- 8. Repair predicate Original: have almost an equal proportion of workers satisfaction Suggested revision: motivate almost equal proportions of workers Why it matters: The original phrase has an incorrect possessive construction and does not express the survey relationship clearly.
- 9. Name worker group Original: elders Suggested revision: older workers Why it matters: Older workers is the accurate and neutral label for the 45-60 group.
- 10. Remove connector comma Original: whereas, Suggested revision: whereas Why it matters: A comma should not follow whereas when it directly introduces the contrasting clause.
- 11. Complete percentage expression Original: it is among youngsters 40 Suggested revision: the figure for younger workers is 40% Why it matters: The replacement supplies a clear subject, comparison group, and percentage sign.
- 12. Use comparison connector Original: Even though, Suggested revision: By comparison, Why it matters: Even though requires a subordinate clause, while this sentence simply introduces a contrast.
Suggested Rewrites
- among 18-35 and 45-60 age groups among the 18-30 and 45-60 age groups
- To commence with, apparently To begin with
- 35 30
- team spirit motivates equal proportion of people team spirit motivates an equal proportion of workers
- that is 60% at 60%
- competent boss a competent boss
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response compares many relevant factors and identifies personal development as especially important to younger workers. However, the overview is misleading because money is not the leading factor for the 18-30 group, the group is repeatedly labelled 18-35, and some figures or rankings are approximate or incorrect. Prioritise an accurate two-part overview, then report only verified comparisons in clearer sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Many useful comparisons are included, but the younger age range is wrong and the overview inaccurately suggests money leads for both groups.
State that personal development leads among 18-30-year-olds while money is highest among 45-60-year-olds, and verify all labels and rankings.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a recognisable introduction, detail section and conclusion, though sequencing relies on repetitive and sometimes unsuitable linking adverbs.
Group factors by similar and contrasting results, using fewer signposting words and clearer topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate vocabulary for motivation and comparison, but terms such as "elders," "old group" and "most equally encouraging" are imprecise.
Use neutral labels such as "older workers" and precise comparative phrases such as "the highest proportion" or "roughly equal figures".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of sentence structures is attempted, but frequent agreement, article, preposition and comparative-form errors weaken control.
Rewrite awkward clauses in direct forms, for example "Personal development influenced about 90% of younger workers, more than twice the older figure."
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.