The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Sample Response
The supplied bar graph compares different factors which affect the work performance of two different age group.
As is presented as a result of a survey in the given bar chart, for both age groups, 18-30 and 45-60, team spirit affects work performance equivalently and that is little over 60%. The reason ' chance for personal development' works for the younger age group about 90% which is more than twice than the older age group. The similar scenario is true for the relaxing environment too and this reason affects more than 80% of the 18-30 age group workers and about only 30% of the 45-60 years workers. About 45% younger workers' work performance is affected by the job security compared to little over 20% older workers. The only case where 45-60 years workers are influenced more than their younger counterpart is 'respect from colleagues' which is about 50% for this age group workers in contrast to 40% (approximately ) for the 15-30 years age group. The promotional prospect is an important reason that drives younger employees to work better and this reason affects 80% younger workers compared to almost 45% aged job holders. For the lower age group job satisfaction, work environment & money affects their job performance about 50%, 30% & about 75% consecutively compared to about 45%, 30% and 70% of 45-60 years job holders.
In short, workers' job performance is highly affected by chance for personal development, team spirit, promotion prospects, job satisfaction and salary.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Plural noun needed Original: two different age group Suggested revision: two different age groups Why it matters: The countable noun must be plural after 'two different'.
- 2. Use concise reporting Original: As is presented as a result of a survey in the given bar chart Suggested revision: As shown in the bar chart Why it matters: This concise reporting phrase avoids unnecessary repetition of the survey context.
- 3. Correct percentage phrase Original: and that is little over 60% Suggested revision: at just over 60% Why it matters: The replacement attaches the percentage directly and adds the required article.
- 4. Use accurate category term Original: The reason ' chance for personal development' Suggested revision: The factor 'chance for personal development' Why it matters: The chart presents this as a factor, and the space after the opening quotation mark is incorrect.
- 5. Correct verb pattern Original: works for the younger age group about 90% Suggested revision: affects about 90% of the younger age group Why it matters: The original verb does not form a grammatical description of the percentage affected.
- 6. Fix comparison form Original: more than twice than Suggested revision: more than twice Why it matters: 'Twice' does not take a second 'than' in this construction.
- 7. Natural comparison phrase Original: The similar scenario Suggested revision: A similar pattern Why it matters: 'A similar pattern' is the natural phrase for describing comparable chart data.
- 8. Correct age expression Original: 45-60 years workers Suggested revision: workers aged 45-60 Why it matters: Age ranges modify people with 'aged', not 'years' before the noun.
- 9. Correct security comparison Original: 45% younger workers' work performance is affected by the job security Suggested revision: 40% of younger workers are affected by job security Why it matters: The chart shows about 40% for the younger group, and the replacement states the relationship grammatically.
- 10. Use plural counterpart Original: their younger counterpart Suggested revision: their younger counterparts Why it matters: The reference is to a group of workers, so the noun should be plural.
- 11. Correct respect figure Original: 'respect from colleagues' which is about 50% Suggested revision: 'respect from colleagues', at about 45% Why it matters: The older group's bar is approximately 45%, not 50%, and the revised punctuation fits the sentence.
- 12. Correct age range Original: 15-30 years age group Suggested revision: 18-30 age group Why it matters: The chart compares workers aged 18-30, not 15-30.
Suggested Rewrites
- two different age group two different age groups
- As is presented as a result of a survey in the given bar chart As shown in the bar chart
- and that is little over 60% at just over 60%
- The reason ' chance for personal development' The factor 'chance for personal development'
- works for the younger age group about 90% affects about 90% of the younger age group
- more than twice than more than twice
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response makes frequent direct comparisons between the two age groups and reports most values with reasonable accuracy. Its main limitation is an imprecise overview, which does not clearly highlight the striking age-related contrasts and overlooks the competent-boss category, while recurring grammatical and collocational problems reduce polish. Prioritise a comparative overview and group similar trends rather than describing categories in a single sequence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
Most categories are covered through relevant comparisons and generally accurate approximate figures, but one category is omitted and the overview does not clearly summarise the main contrasts.
State that younger workers were much more influenced by development, relaxation, promotion, and job security, while most remaining factors were similar across the groups.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses intelligibly from an introduction through the categories to a conclusion, although the long central paragraph reads as a list rather than a grouped comparison.
Organise the details into separate paragraphs for large age-group differences and broadly similar results.
Lexical Resource
There is enough topic vocabulary to describe comparisons, but awkward choices such as saying a reason works and using consecutively instead of respectively reduce precision.
Use natural statistical collocations such as was cited by, influenced performance, and respectively, while avoiding forced substitutes for workers.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the comparisons clearly, but agreement, article, plural, and comparative-form errors recur throughout.
Check noun phrases and comparison structures carefully, especially two age groups, younger workers, and more than twice as high as.