The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Sample Response
The given graph presents information on a variety of reasons that tend to impact job performance and it is divided by differentiating between two age categories of 18-30 years and 45-60 years. The data sample is collected from a personnel department at a big company.
Firstly, the graph shows that 90% value personal development between the age ranges of 18-30; followed by comfortable work environment and promotional prospects at an 80%. Secondly, the age range of 45- 60 are motivated by monetary aspects as 70% of the mentioned age group seem to perform better in this category. Thereafter, the particular age group values team spirit as 60% of the age range is provided in the graph chose this category after money. However, though each group varied on their factors affecting their work performance, both age groups were highly motivated and at par by team spirit (60%) and Money (70%- 74%).
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise chart terms Original: reasons that tend to impact job performance Suggested revision: factors that affect work performance Why it matters: This wording matches the subject measured by the chart more precisely.
- 2. Fix comparison structure Original: it is divided by differentiating between Suggested revision: it compares Why it matters: The original passive construction is ungrammatical and unnecessarily wordy.
- 3. Fix agreement and tense Original: The data sample is collected Suggested revision: The data were collected Why it matters: The plural noun data takes were, and the survey was completed in the past.
- 4. Use people as subject Original: the age range of 45- 60 are Suggested revision: workers aged 45–60 are Why it matters: People, rather than an age range, can be described as motivated.
- 5. Avoid data misinterpretation Original: seem to perform better in this category Suggested revision: selected this factor as affecting their performance Why it matters: The chart reports survey choices, not actual levels of performance.
- 6. Name chart precisely Original: The given graph Suggested revision: The bar chart Why it matters: Bar chart identifies the visual format more precisely than graph.
- 7. State category count Original: a variety of Suggested revision: ten Why it matters: The chart presents ten distinct factors, so the exact count is available.
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: categories Suggested revision: groups Why it matters: Age groups is the standard term for the two sets of workers.
- 9. Format age ranges Original: 18-30 years and 45-60 years Suggested revision: 18–30 and 45–60 Why it matters: The concise ranges work directly after age groups and avoid the awkward use of years.
- 10. Correct survey agent Original: from Suggested revision: by Why it matters: The department conducted the survey, so by correctly identifies the agent.
- 11. Use formal wording Original: big Suggested revision: major Why it matters: Major is a more appropriate formal description in this context.
- 12. Signal contrast Original: Secondly Suggested revision: By contrast Why it matters: This transition better signals the shift from the younger group to the older group.
Suggested Rewrites
- reasons that tend to impact job performance factors that affect work performance
- it is divided by differentiating between it compares
- The data sample is collected The data were collected
- the age range of 45- 60 are workers aged 45–60 are
- seem to perform better in this category selected this factor as affecting their performance
- The given graph The bar chart
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response identifies several prominent figures and makes some useful cross-age comparisons, but coverage is narrow and the organisation is weakened by mechanical linking and unclear reference chains. Several major factors are omitted, while awkward sentence structures obscure points about team spirit and money. The highest priority is to give a clear overall pattern and systematically group factors where younger workers lead versus those that are similar across ages.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Several important figures are reported accurately, but the response omits many categories and offers only a limited overview of the main age-group patterns.
Summarise the dominant contrast across the chart and cover representative factors from both the large differences and the broadly similar results.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report has a basic progression, but mechanical sequencing words and unclear references make the final comparisons difficult to follow.
Organise details into groups of similar patterns and use direct comparative sentences instead of Firstly, Secondly, and Thereafter.
Lexical Resource
The response shows some range in words for motivation and workplace factors, although several collocations such as at par by and at an 80% are unnatural.
Use conventional chart language such as stood at, was similar for both groups, and was valued by a higher proportion.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex forms are attempted, but agreement, article, and clause-structure errors recur and sometimes disrupt clarity.
Prioritise complete comparative clauses with clear subjects and verbs, particularly when describing the percentages for the older group.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.