The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Sample Response
The bar graph shows the results of a survey which was conducted by a company and gives data on the important factors that determine the work performance of employees. As is observed, chances for personal development, relaxed working environment, opportunities for promotion and salary are the main motivating factors for young people for their work performance while comparatively aged people's work performance is affected by the factors like money, competent boss and team spirit. The young employees put the 'chance for personal development' as the most important factor for work performance and more than 80% of them consider this as the most important factor for better performance at works. Relaxed working environment, promotion prospects and money are three other important factors for performance for this age group. The employees of the young group place the work environment, job security and respects from colleagues are the least preferred reasons for performance. On the contrary, employees between 45 and 60, consider money and team spirit as two most important issue for their performance. Job security, relaxed working environment and work environment affect this group the least. Interestingly, the issues which are preferred by the same percentage of both age groups of employees are team spirit (60%), competent boss (50%) and job satisfaction (50%).
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Reduce passive wording Original: survey which was conducted Suggested revision: survey conducted Why it matters: The reduced relative clause conveys the same information more concisely.
- 2. Match survey meaning Original: determine the work performance Suggested revision: affect work performance Why it matters: The chart reports factors affecting performance rather than factors proven to determine it.
- 3. Use overview marker Original: As is observed Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: Overall is a clear formal signal that the sentence summarizes the chart's main patterns.
- 4. Match category label Original: chances for personal development Suggested revision: the chance for personal development Why it matters: The chart presents this factor as a singular category and requires the definite article in the list.
- 5. Clarify affected group Original: young people for their work performance Suggested revision: younger employees' work performance Why it matters: The possessive structure clearly links performance to the younger group.
- 6. Use age-group term Original: comparatively aged people's Suggested revision: older employees' Why it matters: Older employees accurately and respectfully identifies the 45-60 group.
- 7. Use formal example phrase Original: factors like Suggested revision: factors such as Why it matters: Such as is the more formal phrase for introducing examples.
- 8. Add article before boss Original: money, competent boss and Suggested revision: money, a competent boss and Why it matters: Boss is a singular countable noun and requires an article.
- 9. Use ranking verb Original: put the 'chance for personal development' as Suggested revision: ranked 'chance for personal development' as Why it matters: Ranked as is the natural phrase for identifying the most important survey factor.
- 10. Remove extra preposition Original: consider this as Suggested revision: consider this Why it matters: Consider takes a direct object complement and does not require as here.
- 11. Use uncountable work Original: works Suggested revision: work Why it matters: Work is uncountable when referring generally to employment.
- 12. Remove repeated phrasing Original: three other important factors for performance for this age group Suggested revision: three other important factors for this group's performance Why it matters: The possessive form avoids repeating for and makes the relationship clearer.
Suggested Rewrites
- survey which was conducted survey conducted
- determine the work performance affect work performance
- As is observed Overall
- chances for personal development the chance for personal development
- young people for their work performance younger employees' work performance
- comparatively aged people's older employees'
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response identifies the main priorities for both age groups and accurately highlights the factors receiving similar ratings, giving the reader a strong overall understanding of the survey. Its main limitation is recurrent awkward grammar and repetitive wording, while the single-paragraph structure makes the many factors harder to compare. The priority is to group shared preferences and major age differences systematically and support them with selective percentages.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The principal preferences, least influential factors, and similar ratings across the two age groups are accurately selected and well covered.
Add a few contrasting percentages for the largest age differences, particularly personal development, relaxation, promotion, and job security.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response moves logically from an overview to the younger group, older group, and shared ratings, though all content is placed in one paragraph.
Use separate detail paragraphs for the strongest contrasts and the factors with similar ratings, reducing repeated references to work performance.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for priorities and motivation, but phrases such as 'comparatively aged people', 'respects from colleagues', and 'preferred reasons' are unnatural.
Use precise terms such as 'older workers', 'respect from colleagues', 'rated as important', and 'influential factor'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of sentence structures conveys the comparisons, but agreement, article, plural, and clause-construction errors occur regularly.
Correct patterns such as 'two important issues', 'performance at work', and 'young employees ranked these factors as least important'.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.