The graph below gives information about the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US between 1960 and 2020.
Sample Response
The line graph shows the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US from 1960 to 2020.
Overall, manufacturing had the highest number of jobs at the beginning, but it decreased after 1980. In contrast, retail and healthcare increased over the period, while agriculture declined and remained the smallest sector in the end.
In 1960, manufacturing provided about 15 million jobs, which was much higher than the other sectors. It then rose to 20 million in 1980 before falling to around 17 million in 2000 and 13 million in 2020. Retail started at about 6 million jobs and increased steadily to 10 million in 1980 and 15 million in 2000. By 2020, it became the largest sector with approximately 16 million jobs.
Healthcare also showed a strong upward trend. It began with only 2 million jobs in 1960, increased to 5 million in 1980 and 11 million in 2000, and finally reached about 16 million in 2020. On the other hand, agriculture fell from around 6 million jobs in 1960 to 3 million in 1980 and 2000, before dropping further to about 2 million in 2020.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Shared top position Original: it became the largest sector Suggested revision: it, alongside healthcare, became one of the two largest sectors Why it matters: In 2020, both retail and healthcare reached approximately 16 million jobs, so retail was not the sole largest sector.
- 2. Better transition Original: On the other hand Suggested revision: By contrast Why it matters: 'On the other hand' is more suited for presenting opposing arguments in discursive essays. For data comparison, 'By contrast' or 'Conversely' is preferred.
- 3. Vary vocabulary Original: increased over the period Suggested revision: expanded over the sixty-year timeframe Why it matters: Using 'expanded' and specifying the timeframe adds lexical variety and avoids repeating 'increased'.
- 4. Academic phrasing Original: remained the smallest sector in the end. Suggested revision: remained the least significant sector by the end of the period. Why it matters: 'In the end' sounds slightly informal. 'By the end of the period' is more appropriate for academic writing.
- 5. Noun phrase variety Original: Retail started at about 6 million jobs Suggested revision: The number of jobs in retail started at approximately 6 million Why it matters: Varying the subject of the sentence from the sector name ('Retail') to the metric ('The number of jobs in retail') improves grammatical range.
- 6. Collocation Original: strong upward trend Suggested revision: marked upward trajectory Why it matters: 'Marked upward trajectory' is a more sophisticated academic collocation than 'strong upward trend'.
- 7. Synonym for fall Original: fell from around 6 million jobs Suggested revision: contracted from around 6 million jobs Why it matters: Using 'contracted' instead of 'fell' demonstrates a wider range of economic vocabulary.
- 8. Cohesive flow Original: In contrast, retail and healthcare Suggested revision: Conversely, employment in retail and healthcare Why it matters: Using 'Conversely' helps vary the cohesive devices, as 'In contrast' is very common.
- 9. Add specific comparison Original: In 1960, manufacturing provided about 15 million jobs, which was much higher than the other sectors. Suggested revision: In 1960, manufacturing provided about 15 million jobs, more than double the figures for retail and agriculture combined. Why it matters: Making specific mathematical comparisons (like 'more than double') elevates the Task Achievement score by showing deeper data analysis.
- 10. Vary verbs of change Original: It began with only 2 million jobs in 1960, increased to 5 million in 1980 and 11 million in 2000, and finally reached about 16 million in 2020. Suggested revision: Starting at a modest 2 million jobs in 1960, it grew to 5 million in 1980, surged to 11 million in 2000, and ultimately peaked at approximately 16 million by 2020. Why it matters: Using verbs like 'surged' and 'peaked' avoids repeating 'increased' and adds descriptive precision.
- 11. Highlight intersections Suggested revision: Mention when the lines crossed. For example, note that retail employment overtook manufacturing between 2000 and 2020. Why it matters: In line graphs, the points where lines intersect are key features. Pointing out that retail and healthcare surpassed manufacturing by 2020 is a crucial comparison.
- 12. Excellent Data Accuracy Suggested revision: Maintain this level of precision. You have correctly read every single data point from the graph without making any approximations that distort the truth. Why it matters: Many candidates lose marks by misreading values on the Y-axis, but your figures (15m, 20m, 17m, 13m, etc.) are perfectly aligned with the visual prompt.
Suggested Rewrites
- it became the largest sector it, alongside healthcare, became one of the two largest sectors
- On the other hand By contrast
- increased over the period expanded over the sixty-year timeframe
- remained the smallest sector in the end. remained the least significant sector by the end of the period.
- Retail started at about 6 million jobs The number of jobs in retail started at approximately 6 million
- strong upward trend marked upward trajectory
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response fully satisfies the requirements of the task. It provides a clear overview highlighting the main trends (the decline of manufacturing and agriculture versus the growth of retail and healthcare) and accurately reports key data points for all four sectors across the given years.
To improve further, highlight the intersection points where trends crossed each other (e.g., healthcare overtaking agriculture around 1970, or retail/healthcare overtaking manufacturing between 2010 and 2020).
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is logically organized, with a clear introduction, overview, and two body paragraphs grouping similar trends together. Cohesive devices are used naturally, though some transition signals could be more varied.
Vary transition signals to avoid overusing standard contrast links like 'On the other hand' when presenting purely statistical comparisons.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is appropriate and varied enough to describe trends clearly (e.g., 'strong upward trend', 'increased steadily', 'declined'). However, there is some repetition of basic verbs like 'increased' and 'fell'.
Incorporate more advanced lexical items for describing trends, such as 'experienced a steady climb', 'surpassed', 'dwindled', or 'witnessed a contraction'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The grammar is highly accurate with a good mix of simple and complex sentence structures. Tenses are used correctly throughout to describe past events (1960–2020).
Maintain this level of accuracy while trying to use more complex noun phrases (e.g., 'The job market in the manufacturing sector...') to vary sentence openings.