Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
Same question Compare 2 different answersSample Response
I strongly agree with the notion that entertainers, today, are paid an excessive amount of money. In current times, science and technology have taken major strides for the betterment of our society. Our focus should be on facilitating such endeavours rather than on entertainment. I believe all the biological scientists like pharmacists, biochemists, microbiologists etc. in our society should be paid more than the people in the entertainment business. These people or as we dub them ‘nerds’ spend valuable hours in their lives in discovering a new molecule that might be used to make our lives better. Their goal is to discover novel ideas and to create innovative techniques. Thus, rather than spending their time with their families or an evening in the theatre, they immerse themselves in their laboratories working night after night too, maybe, discover a new drug. For such sacrifices, these scientists should get their due remuneration. However, a discrepancy can be seen in our society. We tend to value people in the entertainment business more than the scientists who might be working on the Ebola virus vaccine. I do not devalue the hard work by an actor or a football player. They had to reach their stardom after endless practice sessions and failures. However, if we make an objective comparison, at the end of the day, it is the work of a microbiologist or a biochemist that helps us to live a healthy and disease-free life. So, our money should be spent on those individuals who strive to bring about a healthier and comfortable society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove interrupting commas Original: entertainers, today, are Suggested revision: entertainers today are Why it matters: The adverb "today" does not need to be set off by commas here.
- 2. Use concise time phrase Original: In current times Suggested revision: Currently Why it matters: A single adverb expresses the time reference more naturally.
- 3. Fix stride collocation Original: taken Suggested revision: made Why it matters: The standard collocation is "make major strides".
- 4. Choose precise verb Original: facilitating Suggested revision: supporting Why it matters: "Supporting" more directly expresses giving priority and resources to scientific work.
- 5. Introduce examples formally Original: biological scientists like Suggested revision: biological scientists such as Why it matters: "Such as" introduces this formal list of examples more appropriately.
- 6. Remove redundant ending Original: microbiologists etc. Suggested revision: microbiologists Why it matters: The preceding "such as" already shows that the list is not exhaustive.
- 7. Restore parallel structure Original: or an evening in the theatre Suggested revision: or spending an evening in the theatre Why it matters: Both alternatives after "rather than" should use parallel verb forms.
- 8. Fix infinitive phrase Original: too, maybe, discover Suggested revision: to discover Why it matters: The purpose clause requires the infinitive "to discover".
- 9. Use natural possession Original: hard work by an actor or a football player Suggested revision: hard work of actors and football players Why it matters: "The hard work of" is the natural construction for work performed by these people.
- 10. Use parallel comparatives Original: a healthier and comfortable society Suggested revision: a healthier and more comfortable society Why it matters: Both coordinated adjectives should use comparative forms.
- 11. Use direct phrasing Original: for the betterment of our society Suggested revision: to improve our society Why it matters: The infinitive expresses the intended purpose more concisely.
- 12. Fix idea collocation Original: discover Suggested revision: develop Why it matters: Ideas are more naturally "developed" than "discovered" in this context.
Suggested Rewrites
- entertainers, today, are entertainers today are
- In current times Currently
- taken made
- facilitating supporting
- biological scientists like biological scientists such as
- microbiologists etc. microbiologists
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a firm position and develops a focused case for paying biological scientists more, using clear comparison and relevant examples. Its main limitation is that the discussion is compressed into one paragraph and gives relatively little direct explanation of why entertainers' pay is excessive. The highest-priority improvement is to separate the two task parts and develop each with distinct, balanced reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both questions are answered with a clear position and a well-supported argument for higher pay for biological scientists.
Develop the claim that entertainers are overpaid with a separate reason or example rather than relying mainly on comparison with scientists.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a clear progression and uses contrast effectively, but the absence of paragraphing weakens the organisation.
Use separate paragraphs for the position on entertainers and the case for scientists, then add a concise concluding paragraph.
Lexical Resource
A varied and generally precise vocabulary supports the argument, including effective terms such as remuneration, discrepancy, and innovative techniques.
Refine occasional awkward combinations such as spend valuable hours in discovering and bring about a comfortable society.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses a wide range of sentence structures with generally strong control, although a few clauses are awkward or incorrectly formed.
Revise the sentence about scientists working night after night so the parallel structure and infinitive phrase are grammatically complete.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.