Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
Sample Response
There is no denying that entertainers like film actors, pop musicians and sports stars are paid too much money. I really do agree with this statement. However, some people think, there are several jobs that should be highly paid as well. In this essay, before presenting my point of view I would like to discuss the job culture.
Nowadays there is news about the celebrities who are earning more money through their profession like acting, singing, dancing and sports etc. some of the celebrities like sportsmen and actors are earning extra money through advertising and becoming brand ambassadors of the particular brand. There is no any difference in work like sweeping, machining, teaching and in medicine, every work required effort and the reason for earning money for the sake of survival.
A person becomes an actor because he likes that profession the same way singer, doctor, designer and scientist. But some people are unfortunate to get a proper education or because of laziness or because of lack of scope they sacrifice their dream and doing some different work which society considers it as a low-level work.I think no work is small or big, every work requires effort and passion. We should respect one another and we should practice equality. My mother always says us “Big or small, there is no such kind of difference and it is only made by us”.
In conclusion, I do not think any work is big or small, it is the difference created by us and I think now the time has come to stop differentiating people through their work and everybody should be paid equally for their work.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise emphasis Original: I really do agree Suggested revision: I strongly agree Why it matters: Strongly agree expresses the same emphasis more concisely.
- 2. Remove reporting comma Original: some people think, there are Suggested revision: some people think there are Why it matters: No comma should separate think from its content clause.
- 3. Add introductory comma Original: point of view I Suggested revision: point of view, I Why it matters: The introductory clause ending at point of view should be followed by a comma.
- 4. Use plural and such as Original: profession like acting Suggested revision: professions such as acting Why it matters: The list refers to several activities, and such as introduces examples formally.
- 5. Capitalise new sentence Original: etc. some Suggested revision: etc. Some Why it matters: Some begins a new sentence and must be capitalised.
- 6. Use inclusive example term Original: celebrities like sportsmen Suggested revision: celebrities such as athletes Why it matters: Such as introduces examples appropriately, and athletes is more inclusive than sportsmen.
- 7. Use simple present Original: are earning extra money Suggested revision: earn extra money Why it matters: Simple present is appropriate for a general statement about income.
- 8. Name advertisements Original: advertising Suggested revision: advertisements Why it matters: Advertisements are the paid promotional activities that generate the additional income.
- 9. Fix preposition and number Original: brand ambassadors of the particular brand Suggested revision: brand ambassadors for particular brands Why it matters: Ambassador takes for, and the general reference requires plural brands.
- 10. Remove double determiner Original: There is no any difference Suggested revision: There is no difference Why it matters: No and any cannot both determine difference in this affirmative structure.
- 11. Use work such as Original: work like sweeping Suggested revision: work such as sweeping Why it matters: Such as introduces examples more appropriately in formal prose.
- 12. Keep list parallel Original: and in medicine Suggested revision: and medicine Why it matters: The preposition in breaks the parallel list of types of work.
Suggested Rewrites
- I really do agree I strongly agree
- some people think, there are some people think there are
- point of view I point of view, I
- profession like acting professions such as acting
- etc. some etc. Some
- celebrities like sportsmen celebrities such as athletes
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response clearly states that entertainers are overpaid and conveys a humane principle that all work deserves respect. However, it gives little explanation of why entertainers' pay is excessive and does not clearly identify and justify particular other jobs that should be highly paid; the highest-priority improvement is to answer both questions directly with separate, developed arguments supported by specific reasons and examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A position on entertainers' pay is stated, but it is barely developed, while the call for equal pay does not adequately answer which other jobs should be highly paid.
Select two specific occupations, justify their higher pay, and separately explain why entertainers' earnings are disproportionate.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is visible and the central theme of equality recurs, but progression is loose and several sentences combine unrelated points.
Use a separate body paragraph for each task question and arrange every paragraph from claim to reason to example.
Lexical Resource
There is enough vocabulary to discuss occupations and social equality, but repetition, imprecise expressions, and faulty word combinations are frequent.
Build precise vocabulary for remuneration, responsibility, training, and social contribution, and avoid vague phrases such as job culture.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Some longer structures are attempted, but frequent agreement, tense, article, punctuation, and sentence-boundary errors reduce accuracy and clarity.
Write shorter complete sentences first, checking the subject and finite verb before joining ideas with conjunctions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.