Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
Sample Response
It is often said that people in the entertainment industry mint money and they are loaded! Although we cannot generalise this for everyone who enters the business, it is arguably true. I believe there are several factors to advocate that they deserve what they earn. Entertainment is a very important part of our lives. In our day-to-day mundane routine, it is movies, music and sports that rescue us from the boredom and monotony. They inspire us, motivate us and it makes us hope for better by giving a vivid experience which is often larger than life, through films, songs, concerts and games. However, people who bring these stories to life, who put in months to connect the lyrics and pair it with the right notes and people who go through extreme training to bring out the best sport for us are often thought to be just ‘lucky’! I honestly believe that the people who strive to bring quality to our entertainment deserve to be paid well. Besides, usually careers of sportsmen, actresses or musicians last for a shorter span of time than that of teachers, doctors and engineers. Thus, if they earn more money for the risk they take, the amount of dedication they put, and the performance they show, seems quite justified to me. Having said that, I also think that there are few other professions other than film, music and sports industries in the realm of entertainment, should also be highly paid. People who devote their lives for their jobs, army officials, for instance, ought to be paid well as a small appreciation of what they do for the civilians. Also, jobs which involve a high level of responsibilities and pressure also deserve a high pay. Professions like doctor, politics and teaching are the jobs that require people with high level of perception and proficiency. Thus to attract such talent to these jobs, it is important to pay them well. In conclusion, all the above points fortify my opinion that people in entertainment business receive a payment that they deserve. Nonetheless, other professions which involve high risk, responsibilities and skills, should also be paid well so as to attract and keep the required talent motivated enough to choose these fields as their possible career.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use formal pay wording Original: mint money and they are loaded! Suggested revision: earn large sums of money. Why it matters: The original uses two informal idioms and an exclamation mark that are unsuitable for an academic essay.
- 2. Correct preposition Original: for Suggested revision: to Why it matters: Generalise something to a group is the required construction.
- 3. Use logical noun phrase Original: factors to advocate that Suggested revision: reasons to argue that Why it matters: People advocate a position, while reasons support an argument.
- 4. Remove duplicated meaning Original: day-to-day mundane routine Suggested revision: daily routine Why it matters: Day-to-day and mundane both convey ordinariness, so the phrase is repetitive.
- 5. Avoid synonymous pair Original: the boredom and monotony Suggested revision: monotony Why it matters: Boredom and monotony overlap in this context.
- 6. Clarify athletic performance Original: bring out the best sport for us Suggested revision: perform at their best for us Why it matters: Bring out the best sport is not an idiomatic expression.
- 7. Place adverb naturally Original: usually Suggested revision: the Why it matters: Usually should not separate the introductory linker from the subject, and careers needs the definite article here.
- 8. Use parallel inclusive nouns Original: sportsmen, actresses or musicians Suggested revision: athletes, actors or musicians Why it matters: The revision uses gender-inclusive and grammatically parallel profession labels.
- 9. Use concise duration phrase Original: a shorter span of time Suggested revision: a shorter period Why it matters: Period conveys the duration more concisely.
- 10. Match plural comparison Original: that Suggested revision: those Why it matters: The plural careers must be compared with those, not the singular that.
- 11. Correct devotion preposition Original: for Suggested revision: to Why it matters: Devote something to a purpose is the standard construction.
- 12. Use accurate profession term Original: army officials Suggested revision: military personnel Why it matters: Military personnel is the appropriate general term for people serving in the armed forces.
Suggested Rewrites
- mint money and they are loaded! earn large sums of money.
- for to
- factors to advocate that reasons to argue that
- day-to-day mundane routine daily routine
- the boredom and monotony monotony
- bring out the best sport for us perform at their best for us
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response takes a clear position and addresses both parts, with persuasive reasons for rewarding entertainers and other demanding professions. Its main limitation is uneven control: the ideas about alternative jobs become list-like, while absent paragraph breaks and frequent awkward constructions weaken clarity. The highest priority is to organise the argument into focused body paragraphs and develop each proposed profession with one precise explanation rather than adding loosely connected examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response answers both questions with a clear position and several relevant reasons, although support for the proposed alternative professions is somewhat brief and list-like.
Develop one or two alternative professions in depth by explaining exactly why their responsibility, risk, or social value warrants higher pay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a broadly clear sequence and uses linking expressions, but presenting the whole essay as one paragraph obscures the shifts between its main ideas.
Separate the introduction, each main argument, and the conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with one controlling idea each.
Lexical Resource
The response shows a good range of topic vocabulary, but recurrent awkward collocations such as ‘factors to advocate’ and ‘bring out the best sport’ reduce precision.
Prefer natural, precise combinations such as ‘reasons to argue’, ‘perform at their best’, and ‘devote their lives to their work’.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is attempted successfully, but recurring agreement, sentence-completion, and noun-form errors sometimes disrupt fluency.
Check every complex sentence for a complete main clause and accurate agreement, especially after introductory conditional and concessive phrases.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of jobs should be highly paid?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.