Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples.
Same question Compare all 2 answers See different approaches and band scores for this IELTS task.Sample Response
It is true that some education systems have different outlines for teaching. Some believe that governments are better to pay attention to music lessons; however, others, myself included, agree that scientific courses could be more valuable. On the one hand, some individuals agree that music lessons taught in schools can assist pupils to become more creative. In this way, those who are graduated from a music college will be able to surpass other rivals applied for the dental course in university. The reason beyond this is that this group will be more prosperous in practical lessons, which are numerously taught in the dental universities. In addition, they will achieve more in some manual tasks. Had a normal student learned piano in childhood, he or she would have had a better control on their hands than the normal ones, helping them to react faster. As a result, this group of students will become more creative practically. On the other hand, learning technical subjects can be more beneficial to students, and I believe that its advantages outweigh the benefits gained from music lessons. In this case, they can defeat other competitors because they higher scientific backgrounds learned before entering the university. Being familiar with computer software, students will be able to understand more deeply the related details taught in the university. Besides, doctors will have more conceptual learning when they were having learned basics of medicine. Personally, if I had not had sufficient knowledge about human physiology learnt in high school, I would not have succeeded in medicine. In conclusion, music lessons are valued in some education systems. However, scientific subjects could be more important practically because they can assist scholars to achieve their goals during the higher level of education.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise term Original: different outlines for teaching Suggested revision: different curricula Why it matters: Curricula is the standard term for organized courses and subjects in education systems.
- 2. Correct verb structure Original: governments are better to pay attention to Suggested revision: governments should pay more attention to Why it matters: Use should plus the base verb to express what governments ought to prioritize.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: scientific courses Suggested revision: science subjects Why it matters: Science subjects is the more natural phrase for school disciplines such as science.
- 4. Fix graduate form Original: those who are graduated from a music college Suggested revision: music college graduates Why it matters: Graduate is not normally used in this passive construction to identify people who completed college.
- 5. Repair modifier structure Original: surpass other rivals applied for the dental course in university Suggested revision: outperform other applicants for a university dentistry course Why it matters: Applicants requires a for-phrase here, while applied incorrectly modifies rivals.
- 6. Correct fixed phrase Original: reason beyond this Suggested revision: reason for this Why it matters: Reason for this is the standard phrase used to introduce an explanation.
- 7. Choose accurate adjective Original: more prosperous Suggested revision: more successful Why it matters: Prosperous usually concerns wealth, whereas successful fits performance in practical lessons.
- 8. Use natural adverb Original: numerously taught Suggested revision: commonly taught Why it matters: Numerously does not naturally describe how often lessons are offered.
- 9. Use natural institution phrase Original: in the dental universities Suggested revision: at dental schools Why it matters: At dental schools is the natural preposition and institutional term in this context.
- 10. Use precise performance verb Original: achieve more in some manual tasks Suggested revision: perform better in manual tasks Why it matters: Perform better clearly describes greater skill in completing manual tasks.
- 11. Fix control phrase Original: a better control on their hands Suggested revision: better control of their hands Why it matters: Control is uncountable here and takes the preposition of.
- 12. Clarify comparison group Original: than the normal ones Suggested revision: than other students Why it matters: Other students identifies the comparison group more clearly and appropriately than normal ones.
Suggested Rewrites
- different outlines for teaching different curricula
- governments are better to pay attention to governments should pay more attention to
- scientific courses science subjects
- those who are graduated from a music college music college graduates
- surpass other rivals applied for the dental course in university outperform other applicants for a university dentistry course
- reason beyond this reason for this
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear preference for scientific and technical subjects and attempts to support both sides with education-related examples. However, the supporting logic is often strained or insufficiently explained, and the entire essay appears as one paragraph, making progression less easy to follow; frequent awkward wording and malformed clauses also reduce precision. Prioritize developing directly relevant reasons in separate paragraphs, then edit each sentence for complete grammar and natural collocation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers the question with a consistent position and relevant ideas, but several examples are implausible or insufficiently connected to the claim.
Build each side around a direct educational benefit and explain clearly how the example proves that benefit.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a recognizable two-sided sequence, but mechanical signposting and the lack of paragraph breaks weaken organization.
Separate the introduction, each main argument, and the conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with clearer links between claims and examples.
Lexical Resource
There is an adequate range of academic and topic vocabulary, although frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices reduce clarity.
Prefer natural combinations such as stronger scientific foundations and practical skills, and remove imprecise competitive language.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but frequent errors in clause formation, tense, agreement, and articles sometimes disrupt reading.
Rewrite malformed clauses as complete sentences and check tense consistency before adding more complex conditional structures.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.