Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples.
Sample Response
In today’s modern world, parents are sending their children to attend a variety of classes including music, science and computer classes. Among these three classes, some people assert that more time should be allocated to join the science and computer classes instead of music class which I strongly agree.
In these times of austerity, children are facing problems in their academic and it is one of the reasons why children are advisable to learn a more useful subject like science. Learning science subjects enable children to think from different perspectives and hence they may become more knowledgeable. It is proven that when children who learn science can actually deal with difficulties than any other students using scientific theories they learnt in school. Besides, learning science is the stepping stone to achieve a higher goal. It is considerably significant for children who want to be a doctor or scientist and they are the ones who more likely to contribute more than a musician to the societies.
On the other hand, learning computers rather than music benefits children more both in their academic performance and their future career as well. It is undeniable that computer plays an indispensable role in every field around the globe at present. Many of the companies these days, thus, sponsor their employees to join the basic computer classes so that they can handle most of the tasks in their workplace. In the days to come, the employers may expect every interviewer to master this skill following the continual development of technology. Hence, it is crucial for every child nowadays to learn computers so that are familiar with the function of computers and becomes computer-literate.
In conclusion, learning more important subjects like science and computers are more beneficial in comparison to music as they will help the children to become successful and brings glories to our nation.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use enrolment verb Original: sending their children to attend Suggested revision: enrolling their children in Why it matters: “Enrol in classes” is more concise and natural than “send to attend.”
- 2. Clarify class list Original: including music, science and computer classes Suggested revision: including music, science, and computing classes Why it matters: “Computing” names the school subject consistently, and the comma clarifies the three-item list.
- 3. Fix allocation pattern Original: more time should be allocated to join Suggested revision: more time should be allocated to Why it matters: Time is allocated to classes or activities, not “to join” them.
- 4. Fix agreement clause Original: instead of music class which I strongly agree Suggested revision: instead of music classes, a view with which I strongly agree Why it matters: The revision adds the required plural and preposition while giving the relative clause a clear antecedent.
- 5. Use academic noun phrase Original: problems in their academic Suggested revision: academic difficulties Why it matters: “Academic” is an adjective and needs a noun in this context.
- 6. Use correct passive Original: advisable Suggested revision: advised Why it matters: People are “advised” to act; “advisable” describes an action or choice.
- 7. Match general plural Original: a more useful subject like science Suggested revision: useful subjects such as science Why it matters: The plural suits the broader category, and “such as” formally introduces an example.
- 8. Fix subject agreement Original: enable Suggested revision: enables Why it matters: The gerund phrase functions as a singular subject and takes “enables.”
- 9. Fix article and pattern Original: the stepping stone to achieve Suggested revision: a stepping stone towards achieving Why it matters: A nonspecific metaphor takes “a,” followed naturally by “towards” plus a gerund.
- 10. Use natural emphasis Original: It is considerably significant Suggested revision: It is particularly important Why it matters: “Considerably significant” is an awkward combination of two degree expressions.
- 11. Match plural children Original: a doctor or scientist Suggested revision: doctors or scientists Why it matters: The plural subject “children” calls for plural career nouns.
- 12. Add missing verb Original: who more likely Suggested revision: who are more likely Why it matters: The relative clause requires the finite verb “are.”
Suggested Rewrites
- sending their children to attend enrolling their children in
- including music, science and computer classes including music, science, and computing classes
- more time should be allocated to join more time should be allocated to
- instead of music class which I strongly agree instead of music classes, a view with which I strongly agree
- problems in their academic academic difficulties
- advisable advised
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay maintains a clear agreement and organises its case around the perceived academic and career value of science and computer education. Its main weakness is limited support: several claims are asserted rather than demonstrated, and the workplace example does not directly show why school music should receive less time or money. Prioritise a concrete comparison of educational outcomes and acknowledge music's possible benefits before rejecting its priority.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is supported by relevant reasons concerning science and computing, but examples are indirect and the case against prioritising music remains underdeveloped.
Compare one specific benefit of music with a stronger educational benefit of science or computing, then explain why resources should favour the latter.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion create clear progression, though 'On the other hand' incorrectly signals opposition between two supporting points.
Use additive linking for the computing paragraph and make each paragraph end with an explicit connection to school resource allocation.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for education, technology, and careers, but several awkward or inaccurate expressions reduce precision.
Use natural phrases such as 'academic difficulties', 'are advised to study', 'prospective employee', and 'benefit society'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of sentence forms is attempted, but frequent agreement, article, pronoun, and comparative errors weaken accuracy.
Proofread every clause for a stated subject and matching verb, especially sentences beginning with 'Learning science' and 'so that'.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that time and money spent on music classes in schools are not necessary. Instead, children should be learning useful subjects such as science and computers. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your own opinion and include relevant examples.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.