Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Sample Response
Some experts attribute the recent upsurge of violent crime rate among juveniles under 18 to the lack of social and emotional knowledge received from their families and schools. From my perspectives, however, those immature violent criminals not only get insufficient learning but also are negatively affected by computer games.
Apparently, the fact that adults leave children get away with themselves is one of the factors that causes youngsters get involved in violent crime. In practice, many couples of parents often shift their responsibility of teaching their children on teachers’ shoulders though a large fraction of time children spend at home. Such parents’ irresponsibility is likely to get children exposed to social evils including violence. In addition, at schools, not a few lecturers emphasize on students’ academic performance but their morality. As a result, students appear to encounter no barrier to involve fightings.
Similarly, the indulgence in computer games poses untold hidden mental hazards in children’s mentality in various aspects. In fact, nowadays numerous computer games contain brutal shots. Such violent elements seem to get teenagers accustomed to disturbances, thereby excite their uncontrollable behaviors. Besides, violent games are prone to create both actual and potential rivals among players. Consequently, young players who are hungry for success will fall out and even fight to each other eventually.
In sum, violence crime among youngster seems to become an increasingly annoying issue nowadays. Both parents and teachers should take proactive measures to curb this problem by paying more attention to nurture their children and hindering them from getting access to violent computer games.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the collocation Original: upsurge of violent crime rate Suggested revision: rise in violent crime Why it matters: Rise in violent crime is the natural construction and avoids the awkward use of crime rate.
- 2. Choose precise wording Original: knowledge Suggested revision: guidance Why it matters: Guidance better describes what children receive from families and schools in this context.
- 3. Use singular form Original: perspectives Suggested revision: perspective Why it matters: The fixed expression uses the singular noun perspective.
- 4. Use appropriate term Original: immature violent criminals Suggested revision: young offenders Why it matters: Young offenders is a concise and appropriate term for people under 18 who commit crimes.
- 5. Improve the collocation Original: get insufficient learning Suggested revision: receive insufficient guidance Why it matters: Receive guidance is a natural expression for inadequate parental and educational support.
- 6. Fix correlative order Original: but also are negatively affected Suggested revision: but are also negatively affected Why it matters: Placing also after the auxiliary creates the correct not only...but also structure.
- 7. Repair verb structure Original: leave children get away with themselves Suggested revision: allow children to do as they please Why it matters: The original verb pattern is ungrammatical, while the revision preserves the intended lack of supervision.
- 8. Fix subject agreement Original: causes Suggested revision: cause Why it matters: The relative verb agrees with the plural antecedent factors.
- 9. Add infinitive marker Original: youngsters get involved Suggested revision: youngsters to get involved Why it matters: Cause takes an object followed by a to-infinitive in this structure.
- 10. Use natural noun phrase Original: many couples of parents Suggested revision: many parents Why it matters: Couples of parents is unnatural and unnecessarily restricts the group to paired parents.
- 11. Correct the preposition Original: their responsibility of teaching Suggested revision: responsibility for teaching Why it matters: Responsibility takes for before a gerund.
- 12. Correct direction preposition Original: on Suggested revision: onto Why it matters: Onto correctly shows responsibility being transferred to teachers.
Suggested Rewrites
- upsurge of violent crime rate rise in violent crime
- knowledge guidance
- perspectives perspective
- immature violent criminals young offenders
- get insufficient learning receive insufficient guidance
- but also are negatively affected but are also negatively affected
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response establishes a clear partial-disagreement position and organises two relevant causes in a straightforward progression. Its main limitation is frequent inaccurate word choice and grammar, which makes several explanations awkward or momentarily unclear despite an understandable overall message. The highest-priority improvement is to revise common verb patterns, noun forms, and collocations so that the causal reasoning is expressed precisely and reliably.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the proposed cause and adds a relevant alternative, but the explanations are sometimes general, simplistic, or insufficiently substantiated.
Develop each causal claim with a specific, credible example and explain more clearly how it leads to violent behaviour.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure and overall progression are clear, although some internal links are mechanical and a few sentences interrupt the logical flow.
Use cohesive devices more selectively and make each sentence explicitly advance the paragraph's central cause.
Lexical Resource
There is a reasonable attempt at varied vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word forms reduce precision and naturalness.
Prioritise accurate common combinations such as 'violent crime,' 'get involved in fights,' and 'pay attention to nurturing children.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts complex structures, but frequent errors in verb patterns, agreement, articles, and noun forms sometimes obscure meaning.
Review verb complementation and sentence structure, especially patterns after 'cause,' 'allow,' 'emphasise,' and 'prevent.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.