Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Sample Response
It is obvious that our modern lives today have experienced a considerable rise in teenage violence, especially for those under the age of eighteen. Some psychologists attribute this situation to the responsibility of teachers and parents. In fact, they do not provide children with necessary social and emotion knowledge.As far as I am concerned, I strongly agree with this opinion because of some following reasons.
Firstly, it is undeniable that many teachers are in favour of old-fashioned approach to student’s academic performance. This means that they only put emphasis on knowledge in main subjects such as literature, maths, history, biology and neglect to convey pratical knowledge in reality. For example, a large number of students may be outstanding in their disciplines but they do not have full awareness of violence’s definition, potential causes as well as severe consequences. As a result, lack of realistic perception creeps up on children to commit violent crimes.
Secondly, some parents does not give their children essential support in daily lives. Actually, the dizzying pace of lives makes parents be flooded with an enormous volume of work and robs them of time to take care of children. Being devoid of love and sympathy can make children be cruel and unsociable to others. Moreover, getting out of parent’s control may expose children to damaging websites including rebellious actions. They easily imitate what they see and behave in negative ways.
In conclusion, teachers and parents are largely responsible for the popularity of violence among younsters. In fact, they do not help chidren dig deep into knowlegde about violence and give them necessary attention. If these matters are still common, level of teenage violence is more and more escalating.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: our modern lives today Suggested revision: modern society Why it matters: This phrase is redundant and does not naturally describe a social trend.
- 2. Add the article Original: with necessary Suggested revision: with the necessary Why it matters: The specific knowledge being discussed requires the definite article.
- 3. Use adjective form Original: emotion Suggested revision: emotional Why it matters: The adjective 'emotional' is needed to modify 'knowledge'.
- 4. Fix the determiner Original: some Suggested revision: the Why it matters: Use 'the following' to introduce reasons that immediately follow.
- 5. Add an article Original: old-fashioned approach Suggested revision: an old-fashioned approach Why it matters: A singular countable noun requires an article here.
- 6. Use plural possessive Original: student’s academic performance Suggested revision: students' academic performance Why it matters: The statement refers generally to the performance of multiple students.
- 7. Improve collocation Original: put Suggested revision: place Why it matters: 'Place emphasis on' is the more natural academic collocation.
- 8. Correct the spelling Original: pratical Suggested revision: practical Why it matters: The word 'practical' is misspelled.
- 9. Clarify the phrase Original: full awareness of violence’s definition Suggested revision: a full understanding of what violence is Why it matters: The original phrase combines 'awareness' and 'definition' unnaturally.
- 10. Fix subject agreement Original: does Suggested revision: do Why it matters: The plural subject 'parents' requires 'do', not 'does'.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: dizzying pace of lives Suggested revision: fast pace of life Why it matters: 'Pace of life' is the standard expression for a demanding lifestyle.
- 12. Fix verb structure Original: makes parents be flooded Suggested revision: leaves parents overwhelmed Why it matters: The original causative structure is ungrammatical and awkward.
Suggested Rewrites
- our modern lives today modern society
- with necessary with the necessary
- emotion emotional
- some the
- old-fashioned approach an old-fashioned approach
- student’s academic performance students' academic performance
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear position and organizes two relevant causes into a logical progression, with the discussion of parental absence providing its strongest support. Its main limitation is that several causal claims, especially the link between limited awareness of violence and offending, remain asserted rather than convincingly explained. Prioritize developing each reason through a precise cause-and-effect chain and a specific, credible example while improving grammatical control and word choice.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly agrees with the claim and offers two relevant reasons, although some causal reasoning remains insufficiently developed.
Explain exactly how each educational or parental shortcoming leads to violent behaviour and support it with a specific credible example.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph structure and clear sequencing create broadly logical progression, though connections within some explanations are mechanical.
Use cohesive links to clarify the reasoning between cause, consequence, and example rather than relying mainly on sequencing expressions.
Lexical Resource
A sufficient range of topic vocabulary communicates the argument, but frequent spelling and collocation errors reduce precision.
Replace unnatural combinations such as descriptions of awareness causing crime with simpler, accurate collocations and proofread recurring spelling errors.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but recurrent agreement, article, possessive, and sentence-formation errors weaken control.
Prioritize subject-verb agreement and accurate noun phrases, then check every complex sentence for a complete and natural grammatical structure.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.