Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Sample Response
There is no denying that the number of youngsters who commit crime is increasing sharply all over the world. Some people believe that the lack of social and emotional learning from parents and teachers has lead to this phenomenon; meanwhile, the others argue that there are different sides we need to take into consideration before blaming the problem on parents and teachers. In my opinion, I totally agree with the second idea because of the following reasons. To begin with, in a world full of modern and advanced technologies like ours, children will have more chances to be exposed to violent scenes. It can be said that TV and the Internet are the two most common channels through which children can view these scenes. For instance, wrestling shows on ESPN or Ten Sports as well as thriller and action films like the film “I know what you did last summer” can affect badly and directly children’s behaviours because they contain violent factors such as beating each other, using guns or knives to kill rivals, etc. If children watch and mimic these actions, violent thoughts will be gradually shaped in their minds and they will apply such bad things on people around them, starting with classmates, then, strangers. As a consequence, the probability they commit a crime to satisfy themselves is no longer an unpredicted outcome. Another reason is that peers may have a greater impact on the way a teenager thinks and behaves than their parents and teachers. Youngster under 18 tend to play in groups because they find the similarities and understanding when staying with those peers. However, if they make friends with wrong people, they can be induced to do wrong things easily, for example, skipping class, fighting, robbing money, etc. As a students, I have witnessed many cases in which high school students leave school early and join gangs of young people who play violent games and fight against other gangs all the time. Therefore, we cannot attribute it to parents and teachers as they cannot entirely control whom their kids are playing with. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the increase in violent crime among youngster does not totally come from the education method of their parents and teachers. This phenomenon can be explained partly by the development in science and technology of human and the influence of peers. However, parents, together with teachers, should spend more time on caring and listening to children’s confidences to contribute to protecting them from harmful things.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use plural noun Original: crime Suggested revision: crimes Why it matters: Use the plural count noun when referring generally to multiple criminal acts.
- 2. Correct participle Original: lead Suggested revision: led Why it matters: The present perfect requires the past participle “led.”
- 3. Remove article Original: the others argue Suggested revision: others argue Why it matters: Use “others” without an article when referring generally to other people.
- 4. Clarify the reference Original: different sides Suggested revision: other factors Why it matters: “Other factors” more precisely identifies the alternative causes under consideration.
- 5. Use precise reference Original: idea Suggested revision: view Why it matters: “View” refers more naturally to the position presented in the preceding sentence.
- 6. Improve collocation Original: modern and advanced technologies like ours Suggested revision: modern and advanced technology Why it matters: The uncountable form gives a more natural general reference to technology in the modern world.
- 7. Use formal wording Original: chances Suggested revision: opportunities Why it matters: “Opportunities” is more precise and suitably formal in this context.
- 8. Fix word order Original: affect badly and directly children’s behaviours Suggested revision: directly and negatively affect children’s behaviour Why it matters: The adverbs should precede the verb, and “behaviour” is normally uncountable here.
- 9. Use accurate noun Original: factors Suggested revision: content Why it matters: “Content” accurately describes the violent material shown in programmes and films.
- 10. Correct expression Original: apply such bad things on people Suggested revision: inflict such violence on people Why it matters: “Inflict violence on” expresses the intended action clearly and idiomatically.
- 11. Clarify sequence Original: starting with classmates, then, strangers Suggested revision: first against classmates and then against strangers Why it matters: The revised sequence removes the misplaced comma and states the progression clearly.
- 12. Add complement marker Original: probability they commit Suggested revision: probability that they will commit Why it matters: A “that” clause is needed after “probability,” with a future form for the predicted act.
Suggested Rewrites
- crime crimes
- lead led
- the others argue others argue
- different sides other factors
- idea view
- modern and advanced technologies like ours modern and advanced technology
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear disagreement and supports it with two relevant, well-explained alternative causes, giving the argument a strong sense of purpose. Its main limitation is that frequent awkward collocations and grammatical slips reduce precision, while the absence of clear paragraph breaks weakens the presentation of an otherwise logical progression. The highest priority is to organise the two causes into distinct body paragraphs and edit sentence structures and word combinations for natural accuracy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and supported through two relevant, substantially developed causes of youth violence.
Strengthen the argument by qualifying broad causal claims and explaining more precisely how each factor leads to violent crime.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through the media and peer-influence arguments, but the single-block presentation and some mechanical linking weaken cohesion.
Use a clear introduction, two separate body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with fewer routine linking phrases.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably wide vocabulary, although recurring unnatural collocations and word-form choices reduce precision.
Replace expressions such as applying bad things on people and robbing money with natural, context-appropriate collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex structures is attempted successfully, but agreement, article, preposition, and sentence-construction errors recur.
Proofread systematically for singular-plural agreement, articles, and verb patterns while keeping complex sentences controlled.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this option?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.