The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010.
Sample Response
The diagram outlines how the proportion of men in senior development positionsthe ratio of senior male developers increased between 1980 and 2010 in three tech companies, namely IBM, Microsoft and Apple. Overall, the senior male developers’ ratio in IBM increased remarkably despite having the lowest proportion of such developers in the early yearsdespite its lowest percentage of such developers in early years. As is presented in the bar chart, Apple had the highest ratio of males in senior development positions, roughly 15%, in 1980 whereas men accounted for nearly 7% of senior development positions at MicrosoftMicrosoft employed nearly 7% such males in senior developer position. IBM, on the contrary, had a figure of only around 3%only around 3% males in higher positions in the development sector, which was the lowest. After a decade, the ratio of such employees in these tech companies stood at roughly 10–14%accounted for roughly 10-12%. Afterwards, the proportion of male developers in higher posts in IBM noticeably increased and in 2010 IBM’s figure exceeded 60%well over half of the employees in IBM were male developers. Apple, on the other hand, recorded a figure of almost 25%retained almost one-quarter of such employees while Microsoft’s figure rose to 45%Microsoft’s male developers in leading positions went as high as 45% in 2010.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response’s strongest feature is its clear identification of IBM’s dramatic rise from the lowest starting point, supported by generally accurate opening and final figures. Its main limitation is selective coverage: most changes in 1985, 1995, and 2000 are omitted, so the development of all three companies is not fully conveyed. The highest priority is to compare the intermediate data systematically while describing percentages with more precise, natural phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
A clear overview and broadly accurate opening, 1990, and final figures identify the dominant trend, but several intermediate features are omitted.
Include focused comparisons for 1985, 1995, and 2000 to show how the three companies’ trajectories diverged before 2010.
Coherence and Cohesion
The information progresses logically from the opening year to the endpoint, with clear comparison markers, although presenting everything in one paragraph weakens the structure.
Separate the overview from two logically grouped detail paragraphs and use time references to connect the omitted intermediate stages.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary shows useful range for trends and comparisons, but repeated references to ratios and male developers include several awkward collocations.
Use precise chart language such as ‘the proportion of men in senior development positions’ and avoid phrases like ‘employed nearly 7% such males.’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is generally controlled and meaning remains clear, despite recurring omissions of ‘of’ and awkward noun phrases.
Check percentage constructions and determiners, especially forms such as ‘7% of the men’ and ‘well over half of the employees.’
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.