More and more people are seriously overweight. Some people suggest the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Inveigled by their aroma and the gut’s responsive bleat, people today have been completely ensnared by their favourite fast-food treat. However, this temporary temptationtransient decoy has serious consequencescomes with its ramifications. The primary causative effect that it causes is a fallacious and unhealthy body mass index of people owing to their obesity. In responseTo this, some people propose increasingpeddle forth to increase the selling prices of such fast-food products causing health hazards. However, I would differ from the viewpoint presented. In the subsequent paragraphs, I shall propound my views on the issue.
To begin with, Deleteas is rife, modernization has paved the way forcaused and paved the way for the marginalized sections of societycornered sections of the society to be educated, empowered, and employable, and with it, more and more working professionals have come along. With more people entangled in their daily workloads, lesser emphasis has thus naturally been on cooking the meals at home, and more so, the hoopla of managing both has certainly been overwhelming and making one feel work like a trojan. In such a “click and flick” era where a significant number of people can easily access fast-food outletspeople may approach their fast-food outlets easily, simply charging a higher priceputting a higher price quotation couldn’t ever discourage people from eating junk foodcurb people from consuming and feasting on junk food. More so, according to a surveyas is found in a survey, upper-income peoplepeople falling in the bracket of the upper class with an above-average income, are found to be the regularsteadfast consumers of such packaged and unhealthy meals. Hence, as is pretty comprehensible, raising the prices of these eatables wouldn’t make much of a dent in the pockets of people who can easily afford thempeople who may afford it easily.
The wages of people in concomitance to what they could frugally spend would be negligible, even after increasingupheaving the taxes on such edible items. The striking need of the hour is to make people more aware of the cataclysmic causes of having such food that might render them extremely unhealthy and frail. Informing people aboutAcknowledging people with the detrimental corollary and pernicious eventualities of having an imbalanced diet and a decrepit BMI may keep them alarmed and watchful of what they are being served or choose to be served with to eat. The health organizationsconfederations should focus on pragmatic and logical foregrounds where they check the roots of such causes. That would perspicuously mean indoctrinating people and spending providently on such health counselling sessions.
Although putting junk platters on a high tax bracket might, to an extent, mitigate the consumption, it couldn’t entirely debase the proliferation of such unhealthy lifestyles that could only get etched in the minds of people upon their being guided and informed.
Hence, to conclude, we may say that increasing the prices and making junk foods expensive couldn’t go in alignment with the idea of keeping people fit and healthy. Rather it is extremely important to enlighten and propagandize the benefits of a sound lifestyle and the malignant denouement of fattening and chemically preserved food.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear disagreement and offers identifiable reasons, especially the limited effect of higher prices on wealthier consumers and the value of public education. However, excessive verbosity, tangential discussion, and persistent misuse of sophisticated vocabulary often blur the logic and reduce precision. The highest-priority improvement is to express two directly relevant arguments in simpler, accurately chosen language and support each with a clear causal explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A consistent position and relevant alternatives are presented, but parts of the discussion are tangential, overgeneralized, or insufficiently supported.
Focus directly on why price increases would or would not change consumption across income groups, using one credible example for each main claim.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has recognizable paragraphing and an overall line of argument, but long digressions and overloaded sentences weaken progression.
Give each body paragraph one clear claim and remove material that does not directly advance the response to the proposed price increase.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts an extensive vocabulary, but frequent inappropriate word choices and collocations repeatedly obscure otherwise relevant ideas.
Prefer familiar, precise words and verify collocations instead of using rare terms such as inveigled, confederations, indoctrinating, and denouement in unsuitable contexts.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There is a range of complex structures, but frequent awkward constructions, agreement problems, and faulty clause combinations reduce clarity.
Shorten long sentences and check each clause for a clear subject, controlled verb form, and accurate modifier attachment.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
More and more people are seriously overweight. Some people suggest the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.