All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Sample Response
Over the last few years, obesity has become a serious problem. These days, it affects an increasing number of both children and adults. The causes of obesityCauses of overweight must be considered and addressed effectively; otherwise, societies will suffer from even greater health problems. This essay will look at the causes of this problem and make some suggestions about how to tackle it. One of the main causes of overweight is the high intake of junk food such as hamburgers, chips, and fried chicken. Many people prefer to have a takeaway meal or pick up pre-prepared fooda pre-prepared food in the supermarket, which contains high levels of salt and fatwhich contain high salt and fat, rather than cooking a healthy meal at home. For instance, in the UK, sales of junk food have risen significantly over the last few years. The solution is for the government to increase sales tax on any food that is considered to be unhealthy. This would make consumers decrease their intake of this type of food and start to prepare healthy home-made mealsmake the healthy home-made one. People lack the knowledge of food ingredients and their health issues and thus do not make informed decisions while choosingtalking foods. Easy access to private cars has reduced people's habits of walking and cyclingthe walking and cycling habit of people. The quality and ingredients of quick foods/ fast foods are not strictly monitored by the authoritiesauthority. Another problem is that fewer and fewer peoplepersons are doing sports. This is because of the high gym membership feeshigh expenses of registration in a gym. For example, the monthly fees of gyms in the UK are around 40 or 50 pounds, which many people find difficult to affordwhich is very difficult to be afforded by many. To address this, the government could assign more money for sports facilities such as gyms to become more affordable. This would encourage many people to do sportsSo that many persons would hopefully do sports and consequently start to lose weight. A third cause of the problem is the sedentary lifestyle many families are living all the time. A high standard of living and access to many conveniences make our lifestyles more sedentaryThe high quality of life and having many facilities make our lifestyle lazier. Many families have more than one car and they are using all the cars all the time to travelgo to their destinations, even if it can be reached by bus or on foot. The way forward might be for the government to increase the price of oil and charge owners of private cars for road use. This would make people go to their destinations on foot or by bicyclebicycles instead of using their cars. To sum up, obesity has become an increasingly worrying issueobesity becomes an increasingly worrying issue affecting a wide range of age groups. In my view, the government, parents and schoolsgovernment, parents and school all have a role to play in tackling the problem. Action must be taken urgently; otherwise, our country will face even more serious health problemsproblems in health.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response addresses both parts of the task with several relevant causes, solutions, and examples, and its overall progression is easy to follow. Its effectiveness is weakened by ideas that are sometimes listed rather than fully connected, alongside recurring awkward word choices and grammatical errors. The highest-priority improvement is to build three focused cause-and-solution paragraphs, explaining each causal chain clearly and ensuring that every actor mentioned in the conclusion is developed in the main body.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response fully addresses both causes and solutions and gives several relevant examples. Development is clear, but some points are listed rather than deeply explained, and the final reference to parents and schools is not developed in the body.
Keep three main cause-solution pairs, but develop each with a clearer causal chain and make sure every actor named in the conclusion has been discussed in the body.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical overall structure and progression from diet to exercise to sedentary lifestyles. Cohesion is sometimes mechanical, and several ideas are inserted without smooth linking to the surrounding argument.
Use one focused paragraph per cause-solution pair and add linking sentences that explain how each new point connects to obesity.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally adequate and topic-related, with useful phrases such as 'sedentary lifestyle' and 'sports facilities'. However, there are repeated collocation problems and word-choice slips such as 'talking foods' and 'persons'.
Replace unnatural IELTS collocations with standard phrases: 'obesity' or 'being overweight', 'people', 'eating food', 'fast food', and 'authorities'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is used, and meaning is usually clear. Errors with agreement, articles, fragments, and clause control are frequent enough to limit accuracy.
Edit for subject-verb agreement and sentence boundaries, especially after linking phrases such as 'So that' and in relative clauses after plural nouns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.