Many working people get little or no exercise during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
Sample Response
In this materialistic era, people have become obsessed with moneylunatic after money, and in order to earn bread and butter and because they wish to leadfor their wish to lead a luxurious life, they work excessivelythey do overwork even at the cost of sacrificing their spare time; consequently, find little or sometimes no timeless or now and then no time for a workout. This essayarticulation will elucidate the justification of my standpoint in the subsequent paragraphs.
At the outset, theThe paradigm shift is responsible for making people involved in varied occupations. So, people work excessivelymasses do overwork in order to lead a prosperous life with all modern amenities. Thus, they don’t get time to exercise or take a gentle walkfor taking exercise or gentle walk to keep themselves fit. Therefore, a lack of timeSo, scarcity of time is a big issue for them. Besides, sales of supplements are increasingescalating in the Indian market. So, people find it convenient to take pills that help in reducing weight, provide essential minerals and improve their physiqueprovide essential minerals as well as a good physique. This reliance on supplementsThis thing also doesn’t let them take any sort of exercise. Furthermore, the lack of leisure parks in cities and townshaving no leisure park in any city or town is another reason for making people’s lifestyleslifestyle sedentary, and due to the above-mentioned reasons, people are confronting serious health hazards, namely obesity, heart attacks, and stress, whichlast but certainly not least stress and which is considered the mother of all ailments.
Furthermore, health issues that originate only due to a sedentary lifestyle or overwork can be handled by people following a fixed routinewith a fixed routine of the people as well as with the endeavours of local authorities. To be very specific, masses must have some leisure time for a gentle walk in the morning as well as after taking dinner in the evening. Taking time off work once a monthTaking time off from the office in a month, if it is not possible after a week, is an ideal option, and they can useis an ideal option and utilize that time to do domestic chores and in this way, individuals can reduce their stress to some extent, and they can spend their time with their near and dear ones. Thus, they will be able to tackle pressure both at work and at home. As a resultResultantly, they will remain strong both physically and mentally.
In conclusion, Thus, there are myriad reasonsthere are myriad of reasons behind people’s sedentary lifestyle and not getting enough time to exercisefor workout, such as lack of time, availability of supplements. Out of many solutions, a fixed exercise schedule and time off area fixed schedule for some exercises, taking time off are a few solutions to remove health hazards.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response covers both causes and remedies and is clearly divided into relevant stages of the argument. Its main weakness is uneven, sometimes implausible development, especially the claims about supplements and domestic chores, while frequent awkward phrasing and grammatical slips reduce precision. Prioritise explaining fewer, more convincing causes and solutions with specific causal support, then edit sentences for accurate collocations and complete grammatical structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts of the task are addressed, but several causes and solutions are insufficiently supported or only partly convincing.
Develop two strong causes and two practical solutions by explaining exactly how each one leads to the stated outcome.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a clear overall structure and progression, although linking words are repetitive and some long sentences connect ideas awkwardly.
Use fewer mechanical transitions and divide overloaded sentences so that each logical relationship is immediately clear.
Lexical Resource
There is a sufficient range of topic vocabulary, but frequent inappropriate collocations and exaggerated word choices reduce naturalness and precision.
Prefer accurate, familiar expressions such as work long hours and lack exercise facilities over forced or imprecise alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is attempted, but recurring errors in articles, agreement, sentence completion, and coordination remain noticeable.
Check every complex sentence for a clear subject and finite verb, then correct agreement and article use during proofreading.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many working people get little or no exercise during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.