The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Sample Response
Evidence suggestsThere is plenty of evidence to suggest that children are overweight and the problem is worseningthe situation is getting worse, according to medical expertsaccording to the medical experts. There areI feel there are several reasonsa number of reasons for this. Some people blame the prevalence of shops sellingblame the fact that we are surrounded by shops selling unhealthy, fatty foods such as chips and fried chicken at low pricesfried chicken, at low prices. This has created a whole generation of adults who have never cooked a meal for themselves. If there were fewer of these outletsrestaurants, then children would not be tempted to buy takeaway food. There is another argument that blames parentsblames the parents for allowing their children to become overweight. I tend to agree with this view becausethis view, because good eating habits begin early in life, long before children start to visit fast food outlets. If children are given chips, ice creamcreams and chocolate rather than nourishing food, or are always allowed to choose what they eat, they will go for the sweet and salty foods every time, and this will carry on throughout their lives. Parents decide what to buy and let their children eat and many parents know and feel that their children are overweight and yet let them eat high calorie contained foods like fast foods. If parents try to make their kids understand that those types of fast foodthose type of fast foods are not good for their health and set limits ondraw a restriction on how much their kids are allowed to eat, thenallowed to eat then the problem can be partially addressedsolved partially.
There is a third factor, however, which contributes to the situation. Children these days gettake very little exercise. They do not walk to school. When they get home, they sit in front of the television or their computers and play video games. Not only is this an unhealthy pastime, it also gives them time to eat more junk food. What they need is to go outside and play active games or take part in sportplay active games or sport. The two views discussed play an equal role in contributing to the problem, but I think we have to encourage young people to be more active, as well as steering them away from fast food outlets and bad eating habits. We need to have a balanced approach.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response considers both stated causes and adds lack of exercise, using relevant explanation and a generally clear line of thought. However, the position shifts from chiefly blaming parents to assigning equal responsibility, while an overlong first paragraph and several awkward or inaccurate phrases reduce precision; the priority is to state one consistent degree of agreement and organise each developed cause in its own focused paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed with relevant support, but the writer's degree of agreement is not fully consistent.
State a precise position in the introduction and maintain that same weighting of the causes through the conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The reasoning is broadly easy to follow, although the first paragraph combines too many stages of the argument.
Separate the introduction and each major cause into focused paragraphs with a clear controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a sufficient range of topic vocabulary, but several collocations and word choices are awkward.
Replace phrases such as high calorie contained foods and draw a restriction with natural, precise alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied sentence forms with generally good control despite some local agreement and determiner errors.
Check agreement and noun phrases carefully, especially forms such as those types of food, and punctuate long sentences more clearly.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The number of overweight children in developed countries is increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.