Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?
Sample Response
Happiness is an indispensable emotional factor that we usually pursue in our everyday life. In terms of delineating happiness, it would be intractable, as the meaning varies from person to person. However, apparently, there are several contributing factors of happiness, by which people may incur exalted satisfactions and psychological forbearances.
First of all, happiness may tend to have a definition that varies from several opinions of scholars. Though, I believe it is a simplest need of human being, which could be incurred from any living or material substance. Some people search out pleasure from their wealth, material possessions and social hierarchies while others believe that happiness is a treasure, which could be only possessed from companionship. For example, a supportive and caring family provides someone an utmost happiness and peace that could not be achieved by the lonely one. Additionally, other people may conquer this positive emotion by owning a mansion or driving an expensive car or having high social status.
Apparently, there are several points that play an essential role to grab a happy and delightful life. Firstly, I assume that money could be the most eminent resource that may bring the smile to anyone’s face. Secondly, some happiness could not be traded-off with high salaries such as, having loving families or raise a child to be a good citizen or holding a top position at school or colleges.
To conclude, happiness is a foremost essential part of our lives and we delineate this emotion by linking it with our surrounding environment and various stimulating factors.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural phrase Original: indispensable emotional factor Suggested revision: essential emotional state Why it matters: Happiness is more naturally described as a state than a factor.
- 2. Simpler word Original: delineating happiness Suggested revision: defining happiness Why it matters: Defining is clearer and more natural for this topic.
- 3. Overformal wording Original: it would be intractable Suggested revision: it can be difficult Why it matters: Intractable is too strong and unnatural in this context.
- 4. Preposition Original: contributing factors of happiness Suggested revision: contributing factors to happiness Why it matters: Factors to is the more natural preposition here.
- 5. Unnatural phrase Original: incur exalted satisfactions Suggested revision: experience deep satisfaction Why it matters: Incur exalted satisfactions is not natural English.
- 6. Wrong word choice Original: psychological forbearances Suggested revision: psychological well-being Why it matters: Forbearance means restraint or tolerance, not happiness.
- 7. Awkward structure Original: varies from several opinions of scholars Suggested revision: varies according to different people's opinions Why it matters: The original phrase is unclear and grammatically awkward.
- 8. Article error Original: it is a simplest need Suggested revision: it is a simple need Why it matters: A simplest is not correct in this sentence.
- 9. Natural phrase Original: search out pleasure Suggested revision: seek pleasure Why it matters: Seek pleasure is more idiomatic.
- 10. Wrong collocation Original: could be only possessed from companionship Suggested revision: can be found only through companionship Why it matters: Happiness is found through companionship, not possessed from it.
- 11. Unnatural verb Original: grab a happy and delightful life Suggested revision: achieve a happy and fulfilling life Why it matters: Grab does not fit this formal abstract meaning.
- 12. Parallel form Original: raise a child to be a good citizen Suggested revision: raising a child to be a good citizen Why it matters: The phrase should be parallel with having loving families.
Suggested Rewrites
- indispensable emotional factor essential emotional state
- delineating happiness defining happiness
- it would be intractable it can be difficult
- contributing factors of happiness contributing factors to happiness
- incur exalted satisfactions experience deep satisfaction
- psychological forbearances psychological well-being
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay answers both questions and gives relevant factors such as personal meaning, family, wealth, and social status. However, the definition question is somewhat repetitive and the factors are not always clearly explained.
Separate the two questions more clearly: first explain why happiness is subjective, then evaluate the most important factors in achieving it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is clear and the essay has a recognizable progression. Cohesion is weakened by repeated abstract phrases and topic sentences that do not always preview the paragraph's main point.
Use simpler topic sentences and make each paragraph focus on one main idea.
Lexical Resource
The writer attempts ambitious vocabulary, but many choices are unnatural or overformal. This sometimes makes simple ideas harder to understand.
Prioritise precise natural words over rare words, especially for abstract concepts such as happiness, satisfaction, and fulfilment.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent grammar errors appear in articles, relative clauses, word forms, and parallel structures. Meaning is generally clear but accuracy is below the ambition of the vocabulary.
Use shorter clauses and check noun forms after articles and prepositions.