Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
For nine to ten months, a woman endures the drastic physiological and emotional changes that pregnancy brings about. Because of this, a woman has the greatest right to decide on whether she will have a child or not. An ideology exists that because women take full responsibility for decisions about childbearing, she also is responsible for rearing the child. I believe that this idea is absolutely faulty. Firstly, decisions on childbearing may be greatly affected by the woman's choice. However, other factors are also considered such as a couple's financial ability to support a child's growth. Aside from that, parenthood is a shared responsibility. A father's role is not limited to sperm donation but also includes changing diapers in the middle of the night. Also, a father should always be involved in child rearing because there are activities that are best suited to be done by a father figure, such as bringing the child to a sports event. Consequently, a child who rarely sees one's father creates a negative perception of him and may possibly create a stronger relationship with the mother alone. In addition, women are different in the modern era. More women are breaking the traditional view that they are confined to the four wall of the home as a housewife. Therefore, there should be a joint agreement between both parents to divide the tasks. To cite an example, a mother would send the child to school while a father will be in charge of picking up the child after class. In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is time to abolish the idea of putting the entire child rearing work on women. The idea of shared parenthood must be implemented to keep up with the change in family dynamics that occurred over the years.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove wrong preposition Original: decide on whether Suggested revision: decide whether Why it matters: “Decide whether” does not take the preposition “on” in this structure.
- 2. Use academic evaluation Original: absolutely faulty Suggested revision: fundamentally flawed Why it matters: “Fundamentally flawed” expresses the criticism in a more natural academic register.
- 3. Avoid unmatched numbering Original: Firstly Suggested revision: To begin with Why it matters: “Firstly” usually signals later numbered points, which do not appear in the response.
- 4. Clarify required consideration Original: other factors are also considered Suggested revision: other factors must also be considered Why it matters: The modal passive states the intended necessity rather than suggesting an unspecified present process.
- 5. Strengthen transition Original: Aside from that Suggested revision: More importantly Why it matters: The next sentence advances the central shared-responsibility point rather than adding a minor aside.
- 6. Use formal terminology Original: sperm donation Suggested revision: biological contribution Why it matters: The replacement preserves the contrast while fitting the essay’s formal register.
- 7. Fix passive structure Original: best suited to be done Suggested revision: better suited to being undertaken Why it matters: The gerund passive is required after “suited to” in this construction.
- 8. Avoid absolute wording Original: always be involved Suggested revision: be actively involved Why it matters: “Actively” conveys meaningful participation without the imprecise absolute “always”.
- 9. Use plural noun Original: wall Suggested revision: walls Why it matters: The fixed expression requires the plural noun “walls”.
- 10. Match plural subject Original: of the home as a housewife Suggested revision: of the home as housewives Why it matters: The complement must agree with the plural subject “women”.
- 11. Remove redundancy Original: joint agreement between both parents Suggested revision: agreement between both parents Why it matters: “Between both parents” already makes the agreement joint.
- 12. Specify the tasks Original: divide the tasks Suggested revision: share childcare tasks Why it matters: The replacement identifies the responsibilities being discussed more precisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- decide on whether decide whether
- absolutely faulty fundamentally flawed
- Firstly To begin with
- other factors are also considered other factors must also be considered
- Aside from that More importantly
- sperm donation biological contribution
Why this response received Band 6.5
The essay’s strongest feature is its clear, consistent support for shared parenthood, illustrated through several relevant domestic and economic considerations. Its main limitation is presentation: the whole argument is compressed into one paragraph, while some examples are asserted or stereotyped rather than fully explained. The highest priority is to organise the reasons into distinct paragraphs and develop each one through a precise cause-and-effect explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear position throughout and supports shared responsibility with relevant reasons, though some points are generalised or insufficiently examined.
Explain more precisely how equal involvement benefits both parents and children instead of relying on gendered examples such as attending sports events.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument moves logically from reproductive decisions to childcare roles and changing family dynamics, but the absence of paragraphing weakens its organisation.
Use separate body paragraphs for joint decision-making, fathers’ caregiving roles, and the practical division of responsibilities.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses a reasonably broad range of topic-specific vocabulary, including “childbearing”, “rearing”, and “family dynamics”, despite several awkward collocations.
Replace unnatural phrases such as “the four wall of the home” and “entire child rearing work” with precise, idiomatic alternatives.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of simple and complex sentences conveys the argument clearly, although agreement, pronoun reference, plurality, and clause construction errors recur.
Check agreement and reference carefully, especially where singular nouns such as “a woman” or “a child” are followed by pronouns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.