Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
In modern societies, women have actively entered into the labour market and in many sectors, their number have even exceeded the number of men employees. Due to this fact, the roles of the two genders as parents have been modified and quite often is raised the issue whether both parents should be equally responsible for bringing up their children. According to the family role model over the past years, women were assigned to all duties concerning the upbringing of the children, whereas men’s responsibility was to earn money and to provide the family with a good environment. This model of a family was functional from the primitive times until recently, for as long life wasn’t so complicated and so demanding as nowadays. This trend, however, has changed to a great extent in many parts of the world. With today’s social and economic development, the disparity between men and women has flattened out. In most families, both men and women have to work in order to keep good financial conditions into their family. But how should be made the decision of having babies and how should the raise of children be shared between parents in these cases? Parents have equal responsibility. The decision of having children should be made by both parents jointly and subsequently they should take part in the upbringing of their children evenly, as well. Raising children together is good for the child’s psychology and a prerequisite for the evolution of a child to an adult with integrated personality. Children who feel the absence of a parent are affected in a negative way. Although nowadays many single parents are raising their children successfully, it is important for children to have the best of both worlds. The bottom line is that it takes two people to produce a baby and two people to raise a child in a balanced environment. I believe parents must both be attentive to a child’s life. Nature makes it possible for only a woman to bear a child but the task of upbringing should rest on both parents.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove the extra preposition Original: entered into the labour market Suggested revision: entered the labour market Why it matters: Enter is transitive here and does not require into.
- 2. Fix number and agreement Original: number Suggested revision: numbers Why it matters: The plural verb have requires the plural subject numbers.
- 3. Use the adjective form Original: men Suggested revision: male Why it matters: Male is the adjective used to modify employees.
- 4. Use concise linkage Original: Due to this fact Suggested revision: As a result Why it matters: As a result links the change in employment to parental roles more directly.
- 5. Use direct wording Original: have been modified Suggested revision: have changed Why it matters: Changed is more natural for evolving social roles.
- 6. Restore normal word order Original: quite often is raised the issue whether Suggested revision: the question often arises whether Why it matters: The original passive inversion is ungrammatical in this clause.
- 7. Name the model clearly Original: the family role model over the past years Suggested revision: the traditional family model Why it matters: The original phrase confuses a family model with a personal role model.
- 8. Remove the extra preposition Original: were assigned to all duties Suggested revision: were assigned all duties Why it matters: Assign someone a duty does not require to in this passive pattern.
- 9. Use concise possession Original: the upbringing of the children Suggested revision: their children's upbringing Why it matters: The possessive form is more concise and makes the family relationship explicit.
- 10. Use the time preposition Original: from the primitive times Suggested revision: since primitive times Why it matters: Since is required for a period continuing from the past, and the general phrase takes no article.
- 11. Fix the conjunction Original: for as long life wasn’t Suggested revision: for as long as life was not Why it matters: As long as is the complete conjunction, and the full form suits formal writing.
- 12. Complete the comparison Original: so complicated and so demanding as nowadays Suggested revision: as complicated or demanding as it is today Why it matters: The equality comparison requires as...as and a complete comparison clause.
Suggested Rewrites
- entered into the labour market entered the labour market
- number numbers
- men male
- Due to this fact As a result
- have been modified have changed
- quite often is raised the issue whether the question often arises whether
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response ultimately gives a clear position and supports equal parental responsibility with relevant social and child-development reasoning. Its main limitation is presentation as one dense paragraph, alongside recurring awkward grammar and collocations that reduce fluency; the highest-priority improvement is to organise the argument into a concise introduction, focused body paragraphs, and a conclusion while simplifying inaccurate sentence structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay answers the question with a clear belief in shared responsibility and develops relevant reasons involving employment patterns and children's wellbeing.
State the position earlier and develop one central benefit of shared parenting in greater depth instead of spending so long on historical background.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas follow a broadly logical path, but the absence of paragraphing makes the introduction, development, and conclusion difficult to distinguish.
Divide the response into four purposeful paragraphs and use topic sentences to separate context from the two main reasons.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary shows useful range, but combinations such as “men employees,” “keep good financial conditions,” and “integrated personality” are often unnatural.
Use conventional collocations such as “male employees,” “maintain financial stability,” and “well-rounded adult” to improve precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted throughout, but agreement, word order, articles, and prepositions are repeatedly inaccurate despite generally clear meaning.
Rewrite inverted or overloaded questions as direct statements and check subject–verb agreement in every multi-clause sentence.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.