Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Traditionally, gender role issue has always discriminated women and it is considered a woman to be responsible for the upbringing of children. Nowadays, these traditions are changing gradually. It is agreed that both parents should share these responsibilities and at the same time should support each other. This can be proved by looking at how fathers who spend the whole day with their children can be a good motivator for them and mothers are becoming the bread-earners for the family. Also, it is agreed that fathers motivate their children more than mothers do. For example, males are more interested towards sports activities.
Firstly, some people argue that mother should take care of the Family, especially the kids; however these thoughts have changed over the time and nowadays fathers have started sharing parental and domestic responsibilities. So, by taking their children to sports events such as football matches, swimming, etc. will develop an interest for sports in them. This shows that fathers can motivate a child to become a sports person. Secondly, the tradition of women is to stay at home and bringing up children have changed and women have started taking work from all fields, along with this they also take care of their children. For instance, it has been seen that many working women take maternity leave during and after their pregnancy period and continue to work after these leaves. Some women prefer to do work from home if provided by their employer. In some cases, women may have better career prospects than their husbands. So, the father had to take paternity leave and become a househusband, which is becoming more common nowadays. Thus, it is clear from the above discussion women can be a bread-earning person for a family. Following this look at how both parents share responsibility for caring their children. Thus, it has been proven that fathers are equally responsible for the upbringing of their children.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise social term Original: gender role issue Suggested revision: gender-role norms Why it matters: The plural phrase accurately describes the traditional expectations discussed.
- 2. Fix agreement and preposition Original: has always discriminated women Suggested revision: have always discriminated against women Why it matters: The new plural subject requires “have,” and “discriminate” takes “against.”
- 3. Fix passive structure Original: it is considered a woman to be responsible Suggested revision: women are considered responsible Why it matters: The revised passive structure is grammatical and expresses the same general claim.
- 4. Keep verbs parallel Original: and at the same time should support Suggested revision: and support Why it matters: Removing the repeated modal creates a concise parallel structure with “share.”
- 5. Clarify claim source Original: Also, it is agreed that Suggested revision: Moreover, some argue that Why it matters: The revision avoids an unsupported passive consensus claim and links the next point clearly.
- 6. Use natural human noun Original: males Suggested revision: men Why it matters: “Men” is more natural than the clinical-sounding “males” when referring to people.
- 7. Fix adjective preposition Original: towards Suggested revision: in Why it matters: The adjective “interested” takes the preposition “in.”
- 8. Use plural general noun Original: mother Suggested revision: mothers Why it matters: A plural noun is needed for a general statement about mothers.
- 9. Add conjunctive comma Original: however these Suggested revision: however, these Why it matters: A comma should follow the conjunctive adverb “however.”
- 10. Remove unnecessary article Original: over the time Suggested revision: over time Why it matters: The idiomatic phrase for gradual change is “over time” without an article.
- 11. Use standard compound noun Original: sports person Suggested revision: sportsperson Why it matters: “Sportsperson” is the standard compound form for someone who participates in sport.
- 12. Use direct evidence phrase Original: it has been seen that Suggested revision: it is common to observe that Why it matters: The revision removes a vague passive report while preserving the general observation.
Suggested Rewrites
- gender role issue gender-role norms
- has always discriminated women have always discriminated against women
- it is considered a woman to be responsible women are considered responsible
- and at the same time should support and support
- Also, it is agreed that Moreover, some argue that
- males men
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay clearly supports equal parental responsibility and uses relevant examples of fathers' involvement, working mothers, maternity leave, paternity leave, and changing breadwinner roles. Its main limitation is uneven development: the decision to have children is not addressed directly, while the sports argument is narrow and stereotyped; the highest-priority improvement is to build two balanced paragraphs on shared decision-making and shared childcare using more controlled language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A consistent position favouring equal responsibility is maintained, but the essay concentrates on childcare, largely overlooks joint reproductive decisions, and relies on a limited sports example.
Develop one paragraph on couples jointly deciding to have children and another on sharing emotional, domestic, and financial parenting responsibilities.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a recognisable introduction and progression through fathers' and mothers' roles, but the long body paragraph contains abrupt shifts and repetitive conclusions.
Separate fathers' involvement from changing maternal employment roles and use one clear topic sentence for each paragraph.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses relevant family and employment vocabulary, but frequent collocational errors such as "gender role issue has discriminated women" and "taking work from all fields" reduce accuracy.
Use precise phrases such as "traditional gender roles have disadvantaged women," "entering many professions," and "sharing childcare responsibilities."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally recoverable, but frequent agreement, clause, tense, article, and verb-form errors affect most sentences.
Prioritise complete sentence patterns, for example "Taking children to sporting events can develop their interest" and "women have entered many fields of work."
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.