In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Sample Response
Nowadays, many parents, especially Asian ones, tend to educate their children to always try hard because as long as they do so, they certainly will be successful. I think there are many advantages as well disadvantages to this philosophy.
It is undeniable that there are many benefits to telling children so. The first reason, obvious as it is, is that this will encourage children to become much more diligent. Self-discipline is the most difficult trait to develop for almost anyone, and telling children that success awaits them if they work hard incentivizes them to become self-disciplined. As a result, they stand a better chance of being successful since they are more goal-oriented and determined. Another reason is that these children will exhibit appreciation for hard-working people. They will perceive these people as also wanting to be successful like them and thus appreciate their diligence. Therefore, these children would be more grateful and humble towards other people.
However, there are certain disadvantages to teaching children to expect success once they have worked hard. The first disadvantage is that these children can ignore other factors for success, such as natural talent, soft skills, attitude, or connections. For example, a child might be so engrossed in one's studies that one neglects to make friends, which might serve as crucial connections many years later. The second disadvantage is that children will show self-deprecating behaviors if this philosophy fails them. For example, when children study hard for their university entrance exam but cannot get into their dream school, they will blame themselves for not working hard enough. In the long run, this will be mentally exhausting for them.
In conclusion, there are both advantages and disadvantages to telling children that once they work hard, success will come. Generally, I think parents should encourage their children to work hard for their success, but diligence should not be the only factor leading to success.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: educate their children to always try hard Suggested revision: teach their children always to try hard Why it matters: Teach is the more natural verb for passing this kind of message to children.
- 2. Use concise phrasing Original: they certainly will be successful Suggested revision: they will certainly succeed Why it matters: The verb succeed expresses the result more directly and naturally.
- 3. Complete paired phrase Original: as well disadvantages Suggested revision: as well as disadvantages Why it matters: The paired construction requires as well as before the second noun.
- 4. Clarify the reference Original: telling children so Suggested revision: giving children this message Why it matters: This wording identifies the message more clearly than the vague adverb so.
- 5. Refine the comparison Original: the most difficult trait to develop for almost anyone Suggested revision: one of the most difficult traits for almost anyone to develop Why it matters: One of the most difficult avoids an unsupported absolute and gives the phrase a natural structure.
- 6. Use natural wording Original: exhibit Suggested revision: show Why it matters: Show appreciation is the standard collocation in this context.
- 7. Clarify the comparison Original: as also wanting to be successful like them Suggested revision: as sharing their own desire to succeed Why it matters: This revision states the perceived similarity more clearly and concisely.
- 8. Keep tense consistent Original: would Suggested revision: will Why it matters: Will matches the general future effects described throughout the paragraph.
- 9. Choose precise verb Original: can ignore other factors Suggested revision: may overlook other factors Why it matters: Overlook more precisely conveys failing to consider other contributors to success.
- 10. Use precise wording Original: show self-deprecating behaviors Suggested revision: become excessively self-critical Why it matters: Self-critical directly expresses the response to failure described in the example.
- 11. Improve the collocation Original: work hard for their success Suggested revision: work hard to achieve success Why it matters: Work hard to achieve success is the natural expression of purpose here.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: For example, a child might be so engrossed in one's studies that one neglects to make friends, which might serve as crucial connections many years later. Suggested revision: For example, a child might become so engrossed in their studies that they neglect to make friends who could become crucial connections many years later. Why it matters: The rewrite makes the pronouns agree with a child and clarifies that the friends, rather than the act of friendship, become connections.
Suggested Rewrites
- educate their children to always try hard teach their children always to try hard
- they certainly will be successful they will certainly succeed
- as well disadvantages as well as disadvantages
- telling children so giving children this message
- the most difficult trait to develop for almost anyone one of the most difficult traits for almost anyone to develop
- exhibit show
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response is strongest in its balanced structure and clear development of several relevant advantages and disadvantages, supported by generally effective examples. Its main limitation is that some claims, particularly the link between diligence and humility or useful future connections, are somewhat speculative and expressed awkwardly. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen each causal explanation with more precise, convincing reasoning and consistently natural phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both advantages and disadvantages clearly, with relevant main ideas and generally developed support.
Develop the less convincing claims more carefully by explaining exactly how the message leads to the stated outcomes.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices generally make the argument easy to follow.
Vary transitions and tighten reference chains so links do not rely on repetitive labels such as first reason and second disadvantage.
Lexical Resource
A sufficiently wide vocabulary conveys the argument precisely overall, although several collocations and word choices are awkward.
Use more natural expressions for ideas such as self-blame, appreciation of effort, and the role of social relationships.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex structures is used with generally strong control, despite occasional agreement, pronoun, and parallel-form errors.
Proofread for small structural slips, especially missing paired words, inconsistent generic pronouns, and shifts between will and would.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.