In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Sample Response
In many countries, it is common for children to be told anything is possible if they set their mind to it. In my opinion, this can lead to great achievements, but for the majority engenders feelings of inadequacy.
Some people benefit from a positive emphasis on effort and achievement. The best examples of this come from the United States where famously every child is encouraged to pursue their dreams, no matter how aspirational and unrealistic. Those who succeed serve as role models and evidence the efficacy of pushing children to try to achieve anything. For example, the number of successful entrepreneurs and artists who have left their mark globally from the U.S.A is staggering and includes figures like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Michael Jackson, Warren Buffet, and Will Smith. These people often give encouraging interviews where they reiterate the importance of having passion and grit to achieve transcendent fame.
However, the cases above are exceptions and considering them the rule only hurts the self-esteem of the general populace. When an individual is told they can accomplish anything through sheer determination and they then fail to become rich and successful, they have no one to blame but themselves. The truth about the connection between effort and achievement is more nuanced than the platitude typically supplied to children. There is a complex interplay between talent, effort, and luck required to produce great achievements and all high-achievers are subject to determining factors beyond simply hard work. Teaching children otherwise sets them up for self-doubt, disillusionment, and delusions of grandeur that will weigh on them throughout adulthood. Hard work is an essential ingredient but supposing it guarantees success will only lead to resentment towards oneself and others.
In conclusion, while teaching children that hard work ensures achievement produces great individuals, overall, it breeds insecurity. Parents ought to instead encourage a positive mindset with less lofty expectations.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix plural agreement Original: mind Suggested revision: minds Why it matters: The plural subject ‘children’ requires the plural noun ‘minds’.
- 2. Place adverb naturally Original: where famously every child Suggested revision: where every child is famously Why it matters: Moving the adverb makes the clause sound more natural.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: evidence the efficacy Suggested revision: demonstrate the effectiveness Why it matters: This collocation expresses the intended idea more naturally.
- 4. Fix modifier placement Original: who have left their mark globally from the U.S.A Suggested revision: from the U.S.A. who have left their mark globally Why it matters: The origin phrase should modify the entrepreneurs and artists rather than their global impact.
- 5. Choose precise phrasing Original: achieve transcendent fame Suggested revision: achieve extraordinary success Why it matters: ‘Extraordinary success’ is a clearer and more natural expression of the intended outcome.
- 6. Improve word choice Original: platitude typically supplied to children Suggested revision: simplistic message typically given to children Why it matters: Messages are normally ‘given’, while ‘simplistic’ conveys the criticism more precisely.
- 7. Clarify abstract wording Original: all high-achievers are subject to determining factors Suggested revision: all high achievers are influenced by factors Why it matters: The revision states the causal relationship more directly and naturally.
- 8. Use correct clause form Original: supposing it guarantees success Suggested revision: assuming that it guarantees success Why it matters: ‘Assuming that’ correctly introduces the mistaken belief being discussed.
- 9. Clarify reported clause Original: to be told anything is possible Suggested revision: to be told that anything is possible Why it matters: Adding ‘that’ makes the boundary of the reported clause immediately clear.
- 10. Clarify description Original: no matter how aspirational and unrealistic Suggested revision: regardless of how ambitious or unrealistic they are Why it matters: The revision uses a natural adjective for dreams and supplies a clear reference.
- 11. Fix modifier meaning Original: required to produce great achievements Suggested revision: that contributes to great achievements Why it matters: The relative clause correctly makes the interplay, rather than every individual factor, the contributor to achievement.
- 12. Sentence rewrite Original: In my opinion, this can lead to great achievements, but for the majority engenders feelings of inadequacy. Suggested revision: In my opinion, this can lead to great achievements, but for the majority it engenders feelings of inadequacy. Why it matters: The second clause needs the subject ‘it’ after the contrast.
Suggested Rewrites
- mind minds
- where famously every child where every child is famously
- evidence the efficacy demonstrate the effectiveness
- who have left their mark globally from the U.S.A from the U.S.A. who have left their mark globally
- achieve transcendent fame achieve extraordinary success
- platitude typically supplied to children simplistic message typically given to children
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response presents a clear, nuanced position and develops both the motivational benefit and the psychological risk with persuasive explanation and relevant examples. Its main limitation is that the advantages discussion relies heavily on exceptional celebrity success and equates achievement with fame or wealth. The highest-priority improvement is to support that side with a broader, more representative example of how ambitious messaging benefits ordinary children.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both advantages and disadvantages are directly addressed through a clear position and well-developed supporting arguments.
Broaden the positive case beyond exceptional wealthy or famous individuals to make the discussion more representative and balanced.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically across purposeful paragraphs, with cohesive devices used naturally and clear relationships between claims.
Make the transition from the celebrity examples to the broader disadvantage slightly more explicit to sharpen the argumentative progression.
Lexical Resource
A wide and precise vocabulary conveys nuanced distinctions effectively, with only occasional slightly overstated or awkward choices.
Prefer measured expressions such as notable success over more inflated phrases such as transcendent fame when precision matters.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is handled accurately, and the few awkward constructions do not impede communication.
Refine occasional compressed clauses, especially in the thesis and conclusion, so their grammatical relationships read effortlessly.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.