Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
In today’s modern world, technology has developed at a fast pace and undoubtedly, it brings a handful of benefits but at the same time, it still has disadvantages like making the monitoring of what people are saying and doing. The essay will examine both sides of the issue.
The advanced technology nowadays makes people feel insecure as tracking process is made to be simple for people to monitor their friends or family members. Those who are being monitored may not aware of that this is happening and this leads to some issues related to personal privacy arrived. For instance, we constantly bombarded with the news that some couples will use this technology to track their couples through the electronic devices. Therefore, people may feel stress as they are afraid of being the next target of being monitored by others through cell phone tracking.
Nevertheless, the developed technology does bring numerous advantages. To begin, this technology like security cameras can help to prevent crime from happening. Thus, the crime rate will be reduced. The police nowadays like to use the security cameras wisely to monitor the would-be offenders and take effective actions towards them immediately. On the other hand, this useful technology enables the children to keep track with their elderly parents for the reason to ensure that they are safe. By using this technology intelligently, children can take immediate actions whenever their parents need help or in danger. In other words, children can take care of their parents’ safety before things get worse. As a result, we can see that most of the children today will definitely buy their parents a smartphone with a tracking application installed.
In conclusion, I believe the advantages of this development do outweigh the disadvantages. Even though there is a negative impact on people lives that is being monitored by others through cell phones, there are some benefits as well. Not forgetting to mention that a coin has both sides, if we can utilise this technology in an intelligent manner, we will surely get benefited and our country will continue to prosper and flourish in the decades to come.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural noun phrase Original: The advanced technology nowadays Suggested revision: Modern technology Why it matters: This concise noun phrase avoids the unnatural combination of 'advanced' and 'nowadays'.
- 2. Add required article Original: as tracking process Suggested revision: because the tracking process Why it matters: The countable noun 'process' requires an article, and 'because' makes the causal link explicit.
- 3. Use natural passive form Original: is made to be simple Suggested revision: has become simple Why it matters: The revision expresses the change of state without an awkward passive construction.
- 4. Add linking verb Original: may not aware of Suggested revision: may not be aware of Why it matters: The adjective 'aware' requires the verb 'be' after the modal.
- 5. Clarify privacy outcome Original: issues related to personal privacy arrived Suggested revision: privacy issues Why it matters: The original phrase is ungrammatical and obscures the stated result.
- 6. Complete passive voice Original: we constantly bombarded Suggested revision: we are constantly bombarded Why it matters: The passive construction requires the auxiliary verb 'are'.
- 7. Name users accurately Original: some couples will use Suggested revision: some people use Why it matters: People track their partners; referring to whole couples as the users makes the meaning unclear.
- 8. Use correct relationship noun Original: couples Suggested revision: partners Why it matters: A person in a couple is a 'partner', not a 'couple'.
- 9. Remove unnecessary article Original: through the electronic devices Suggested revision: through electronic devices Why it matters: The plural noun is used generically here, so it does not take 'the'.
- 10. Use adjective form Original: stress Suggested revision: stressed Why it matters: The linking verb 'feel' requires the adjective 'stressed' in this meaning.
- 11. Use correct collocation Original: developed Suggested revision: advanced Why it matters: 'Advanced technology' is the natural collocation for sophisticated modern systems.
- 12. State practice directly Original: The police nowadays like to use Suggested revision: The police now use Why it matters: 'Like to use' suggests personal preference rather than describing current police practice.
Suggested Rewrites
- The advanced technology nowadays Modern technology
- as tracking process because the tracking process
- is made to be simple has become simple
- may not aware of may not be aware of
- issues related to personal privacy arrived privacy issues
- we constantly bombarded we are constantly bombarded
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay gives a clear judgement and develops relevant benefits in crime prevention and elderly care while acknowledging privacy and anxiety as disadvantages. Its main limitation is that the claimed superiority of the benefits is asserted more than weighed, and frequent language errors weaken several explanations. Prioritise a direct comparison of social safety with privacy loss, supported by precise and credible examples.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both sides are relevantly discussed and the position is clear, but the conclusion does not fully explain why the identified benefits outweigh the privacy costs.
Compare the scale and conditions of public-safety benefits with the harm of non-consensual monitoring, then justify the final judgement explicitly.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is clearly paragraphed and progresses from privacy concerns to two benefits, though some linking is mechanical or inaccurately signals contrast.
Group the two advantages with additive transitions and use the conclusion to synthesise the comparison instead of repeating general claims.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts useful vocabulary for surveillance, privacy, crime, and care, but frequent inaccurate collocations reduce precision.
Use natural phrases such as 'tracking has become easy', 'privacy violations', 'experience stress', 'monitor potential offenders', and 'keep track of'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex forms is attempted, but frequent omissions, agreement errors, passive-form problems, and faulty clauses sometimes hinder readability.
Check every clause for a subject and finite verb, especially forms such as 'may not be aware', 'we are constantly bombarded', and 'need help'.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.