Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
From my point of view, this development has more benefits, although it has some drawbacks to a certain extent.
It is true that the technology of monitoring people would violate the privacy of individuals. Citizens have no private room and can't keep their secrets, which would undermine the quality of their daily life significantly. No matter where they go and who they meet, all of them are exposed under the monitoring of others. Furthermore, some people are even unaware of that they are under monitoring. It renders some outlaws take advantage of these technologies and then commit some serious crime to the innocent people, for example, tracking, committing fraud, even murdering. People are placed in a very passive position because they don't know they are monitored by the state of the art devices.
Despite the argument above, the monitoring technology can lead to the positive result as long as we can oversee and control it properly. It can be used to monitor some sensitive locations with high crime rate by our police. There are many instances in our real life that real-time monitoring can help police to prevent crime from happening as they can monitor some specific spots all the time. For instance, once suspects show up under the camera, the police can take prompt action to bust them in advance so that no one gets hurt during the action. Nevertheless, making good use of the monitoring technology has to ensure all of them are under control of our authority rather than criminals. To sum up, although this development has some potential drawbacks like being used by criminal to commit crimes and violate the privacy of individuals, we can make use of it to help us to prevent crime from happening as long as we ensure all of them are under our control.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove vague qualification Original: drawbacks to a certain extent Suggested revision: drawbacks Why it matters: The qualification is vague and adds no clear limit to the concession.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: the technology of monitoring people Suggested revision: technology used to monitor people Why it matters: The revision expresses the function of the technology naturally.
- 3. Use appropriate modality Original: would Suggested revision: can Why it matters: “Can” fits a general present possibility better than the unsupported conditional “would.”
- 4. Express privacy directly Original: no private room Suggested revision: no privacy Why it matters: “Private room” refers to a physical space rather than personal privacy.
- 5. Use precise formal wording Original: keep their secrets Suggested revision: keep personal information private Why it matters: The revision states the privacy concern more precisely.
- 6. Use plural noun Original: life Suggested revision: lives Why it matters: The plural possessive refers to the separate lives of multiple citizens.
- 7. Correct surveillance phrase Original: are exposed under the monitoring of others Suggested revision: are subjected to surveillance by others Why it matters: The original combination of “exposed under” and “monitoring” is unnatural.
- 8. Remove incorrect preposition Original: unaware of that Suggested revision: unaware that Why it matters: A finite “that” clause follows “unaware” without “of.”
- 9. Use passive progressive Original: are under monitoring Suggested revision: are being monitored Why it matters: The passive progressive correctly describes the ongoing action.
- 10. Choose accurate adjective Original: a very passive position Suggested revision: a vulnerable position Why it matters: “Vulnerable” conveys exposure to harm more accurately than “passive.”
- 11. Use natural result phrase Original: the monitoring technology can lead to the positive result Suggested revision: monitoring technology can produce positive results Why it matters: The plural generic noun and verb “produce” form a natural collocation.
- 12. Use plural count noun Original: rate Suggested revision: rates Why it matters: The general reference to multiple locations requires the plural noun.
Suggested Rewrites
- drawbacks to a certain extent drawbacks
- the technology of monitoring people technology used to monitor people
- would can
- no private room no privacy
- keep their secrets keep personal information private
- life lives
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response’s clearest strength is a consistent view that regulated monitoring can help prevent crime, and its main ideas are organised into a recognisable argument. However, the disadvantage discussion becomes logically unclear when criminals’ use of surveillance is linked to public monitoring, while frequent awkward collocations and grammar errors reduce precision. Prioritise clarifying that causal argument and revising sentences for natural verb patterns, articles, agreement, and reference.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses advantages and disadvantages and maintains a clear position, but parts of the reasoning are insufficiently clear or developed.
Explain more precisely how unauthorised monitoring arises from this development and weigh that risk directly against crime prevention.
Coherence and Cohesion
The main ideas follow a broadly logical sequence, although linking is sometimes mechanical and several pronoun references are vague.
Use clearer topic sentences and replace ambiguous references such as “all of them” with the specific people or technologies intended.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is adequate for the topic, but frequent unnatural collocations and word-choice errors weaken clarity and precision.
Revise combinations such as “private room,” “exposed under the monitoring,” and “commit some serious crime to” into natural English.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but recurring errors in verb patterns, articles, agreement, and clause construction sometimes strain comprehension.
Practise controlling one complex clause at a time, especially after verbs such as “render,” “ensure,” and “help.”
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.