Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Same question Compare all 2 answers See different approaches and band scores for this IELTS task.Sample Response
It is true that technological devices such as surveillance video or mobile phone are utilised for monitoring public activities these days. In the most common case, many people do not realise that they are being monitored. Although the existence of these devices has some drawbacks, I do believe that it has more benefits for our communities and the following essay will discuss it in details.
On the one hand, it is reported the usage of technological tools has increased, such as video cameras that are placed everywhere by authorities and the tracking of individuals' cellular phone using satellite technology. These acts are unfavourable for some people since authorities do not inform their residents about the activities. Some people believe that this is against human rights and freedom, where people should have their own privacy. Besides that, this monitoring data could be misused by the member of the authorities, as the data could be sold to another party for business or political purposes.
On the other hand, the existence of CCTV in public places and satellite tracking of mobile phones would bring many advantages for the humankind if they are used appropriately. With the existence of these video monitoring activities, it would help the police department in preventing and investigating any crime activities. And then, with the sophisticated satellite tracking technology, it could help authorities in tracing crime persons, as they could search the existence of criminals through the signal of mobile phones. It has been proven that with the usage of these sophisticated technologies, it has reduced the number of crimes in many countries.
In conclusion, it is common that governments use advanced technology devices such as video camera and handphone tracking system to monitor their residents' activities. And in common cases, these monitoring activities are not informed and socialised to the public, therefore some people believe that they are against human's privacy policy. In my personal opinion, I do believe that these activities have more positive sides than its negatives if authorities use it properly.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Name devices accurately Original: surveillance video or mobile phone Suggested revision: surveillance cameras or mobile phones Why it matters: The intended devices are countable cameras and phones, not surveillance video in general.
- 2. Use direct phrasing Original: are utilised for monitoring Suggested revision: are used to monitor Why it matters: The infinitive construction is more direct and natural in this context.
- 3. Use natural quantifier Original: In the most common case Suggested revision: In many cases Why it matters: The sentence refers to numerous situations rather than one superlative case.
- 4. Clarify pronoun reference Original: it has more benefits for our communities Suggested revision: these devices offer more benefits to our communities Why it matters: The plural noun phrase “these devices” requires a plural reference, and benefits are offered to communities.
- 5. Fix fixed expression Original: discuss it in details Suggested revision: discuss this in detail Why it matters: The standard expression is “in detail”, and “this” refers clearly to the issue.
- 6. Add reporting conjunction Original: it is reported the usage Suggested revision: it is reported that the use Why it matters: A content clause after “it is reported” requires “that”, and “use” is more natural than “usage” here.
- 7. Use plural noun Original: individuals' cellular phone Suggested revision: individuals' cellular phones Why it matters: Multiple individuals are associated with multiple phones, so the countable noun should be plural.
- 8. Express concern precisely Original: unfavourable for some people Suggested revision: a concern for some people Why it matters: “A concern for” conveys the intended negative reaction more naturally than “unfavourable for”.
- 9. Use clearer reference Original: inform their residents about the activities Suggested revision: inform the public about these activities Why it matters: “The public” and “these activities” identify the affected group and monitoring practices more clearly.
- 10. Use precise collocation Original: against human rights and freedom Suggested revision: a violation of human rights and freedoms Why it matters: An action is described as a violation of rights, and “freedoms” is normally plural in this context.
- 11. Fix clause connection Original: where people should have their own privacy Suggested revision: because people have a right to privacy Why it matters: “Because” supplies the intended reason, whereas “where” cannot logically link these clauses.
- 12. Use formal connector Original: Besides that Suggested revision: Moreover Why it matters: “Moreover” introduces the additional disadvantage more concisely and formally.
Suggested Rewrites
- surveillance video or mobile phone surveillance cameras or mobile phones
- are utilised for monitoring are used to monitor
- In the most common case In many cases
- it has more benefits for our communities these devices offer more benefits to our communities
- discuss it in details discuss this in detail
- it is reported the usage it is reported that the use
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response’s strongest feature is its clear position and relevant coverage of privacy risks, data misuse, crime prevention, and criminal investigation. Its main limitation is that it lists benefits and drawbacks without convincingly showing why the benefits outweigh the privacy costs, while frequent language errors reduce precision. The highest priority is to make an explicit comparison between public-safety gains and safeguards against misuse, expressed through simpler, grammatically controlled sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response discusses relevant advantages and disadvantages and maintains a clear positive judgement, but the decisive weighing of those considerations remains limited.
Explain why crime prevention justifies covert monitoring only when specific oversight, consent, or data-protection safeguards are in place.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay uses a clear opposing-sides structure and overall progression, although linking is mechanical and several points repeat in the conclusion.
Use the conclusion to compare the two sides directly rather than restating the existence of monitoring and privacy concerns.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for surveillance, privacy, crime, and data misuse, but frequent inaccurate collocations make the discussion sound unnatural.
Use standard terms such as ‘video surveillance’, ‘privacy rights’, ‘officials’, ‘track suspects’, and ‘locate criminals’.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of structures is attempted, but recurring problems with articles, agreement, pronoun reference, clauses, and countable nouns weaken accuracy.
Remove dummy pronouns from constructions such as ‘CCTV helps police’ and check singular–plural agreement throughout each sentence.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
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