Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
As the mankind has progressed, the technology has advanced as well. From the telephone which was invented by Graham bell in the 19th century to the iPhone invented by Steve Jobs in the 21st century, we have made a lot of progress in terms of technology. As a result of this revolution in technology, more and more gadgets are being used to monitor people. However, such monitoring has both positives and negatives when it comes to the end result.
CCTV cameras are quite mundane in shops, malls, etc and they help the bosses keep an eye on their employees. As a direct result, the employees, being aware of the monitoring, work efficiently. In a travelling job, the bosses can track their employees via GPS and thereby prevents false report-ins. Moreover, shoplifting is also often either averted or the shoplifter gets caught from the CCTV tapes.
In spite of the advantages of monitoring people using technology, there are cases where such monitoring may cause problems. CCTVs are often installed in trial rooms to prevent shoplifting. However, a person may unknowingly end up naked on tape while trying an apparel. With regard to an employee, continuous monitoring may lead to him/her not enjoying work and ultimately quitting, to work in a more relaxed environment. In addition to this, tracking once it is known, is being done, and becomes vulnerable. Consequently, the original source can be manipulated, erased or made public.
However, I still feel that monitoring by technology, despite its drawbacks has more pros than cons. Monitoring, at public places, can help provide safety and security to people. Police and other security personnel can track mobile phone conversations of suspects without them being aware and can, therefore, prevent crime. Camera footage from a crime site may help the police nab a gangster and the same tape can be used for his conviction.
In conclusion, the advantages of monitoring people via technology outweigh the disadvantages. However, steps need to be taken to ensure that there is no harm to the privacy and integrity of people while monitoring them even when they do not know, that they are being monitored.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove the article Original: the mankind Suggested revision: mankind Why it matters: The uncountable noun “mankind” does not take “the” here.
- 2. Use technology generally Original: the technology has advanced Suggested revision: technology has advanced Why it matters: The general concept “technology” does not require the definite article.
- 3. Capitalise the name Original: bell Suggested revision: Bell Why it matters: Both parts of a person’s proper name require capital letters.
- 4. Use academic wording Original: made a lot of progress Suggested revision: made considerable progress Why it matters: “Considerable” is more precise and formal than “a lot of”.
- 5. Use task terminology Original: positives and negatives Suggested revision: advantages and disadvantages Why it matters: These nouns match the comparison being made more precisely.
- 6. Choose the correct adjective Original: mundane Suggested revision: commonplace Why it matters: “Commonplace” means widespread, whereas “mundane” means dull or ordinary.
- 7. Use a formal role Original: help the bosses keep Suggested revision: help employers keep Why it matters: “Employers” is more precise and formal than “bosses”.
- 8. Use consistent terminology Original: the bosses can track Suggested revision: employers can track Why it matters: “Employers” maintains an appropriate academic register.
- 9. Match the plural subject Original: prevents Suggested revision: prevent Why it matters: The plural subject “employers” requires the base verb “prevent”.
- 10. Use a natural noun Original: false report-ins Suggested revision: false reports Why it matters: “Report-ins” is not a natural noun for inaccurate employee reports.
- 11. Correct the passive phrase Original: gets caught from Suggested revision: is caught using Why it matters: Footage is the means by which the offender is caught, so “using” is required.
- 12. Use the correct term Original: trial Suggested revision: changing Why it matters: The standard term for rooms where customers try on clothes is “changing rooms”.
Suggested Rewrites
- the mankind mankind
- the technology has advanced technology has advanced
- bell Bell
- made a lot of progress made considerable progress
- positives and negatives advantages and disadvantages
- mundane commonplace
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear position and supports it with a useful range of workplace, security, and privacy examples. Its main limitation is that several claims are imprecise or insufficiently explained, particularly the point about tracking becoming vulnerable, while recurring collocation and sentence-control errors reduce clarity. The highest priority is to develop a more explicit comparison between security benefits and privacy risks using precise, fully explained reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both sides, maintains a clear view that the advantages predominate, and supports its position with several relevant examples, though some points are asserted or unclear.
Explain how each example proves that the security benefits outweigh the privacy and workplace costs, especially where the reasoning about vulnerable tracking is currently obscure.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through advantages, disadvantages, and the writer's final case, with effective paragraphing despite some repetitive linking and one locally confusing passage.
Use fewer repeated contrast markers and revise the tracking passage so that each sentence has a clear logical connection to the preceding claim.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably varied topic-specific vocabulary, but frequent imprecise choices and collocations such as "mundane," "trying an apparel," and "caught from the CCTV tapes" weaken precision.
Prefer accurate, natural combinations such as "common," "trying on clothing," and "identified through CCTV footage" rather than forcing less familiar vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the main ideas, but recurring article, agreement, punctuation, and sentence-formation errors reduce control.
Proofread complex sentences for complete clause structure and agreement, particularly sentences containing inserted phrases, participles, or several linked ideas.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.