The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
In the present age, it is an undeniable fact that the women's role and position in the society all over the world, including in Indonesia, have much modified, especially in the past two decades that this situation persuades women to have a certain career. The changes of these have become a sparked debate throughout the world. There are a growing number of people claim that career-conscious women will lead to a wide range of juvenile delinquencies, while others argue that women who have a certain career bring many benefits for their children. This essay will discuss the supporters and opponents of this view. To begin with, once upon a time, the traditional perception made a restriction for the woman to get a certain role in the society. Some parents argued that their daughter had to marry as soon as possible when she is already 17 years old. Furthermore, after getting married, a woman should not abandon their family. Nowadays, many women are struggling against their competitors “men” to achieve an ideal top position in a corporation. From my view, these people fail to realise that after getting the job, they have to leave their home and children because of a lot of agendas of meeting and visiting the company. According to physiologists point of view, this will lead to juvenile delinquencies because children need caring and good upbringing from their parents, especially from the mother. In contrast, a working mother can help their children’s academic performance because they will be able to afford particular materials by buying them from the store. Some people claim that successful children in terms of academic performance depend on their study materials that they use in their daily life. Apart from that, children can expand their experience and insights by roaming many countries without any distraction of financial problems. If these children can combine both actual knowledge and book-oriented knowledge, I completely believe that they have a wide range of insights and knowledge which will be helpful in further lives. In conclusion, each side of position has benefits and drawbacks. From my point of view, if working women can make time for their children, it will better for their children’s lives in the future.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use direct demonstrative Original: The changes of these Suggested revision: These changes Why it matters: The demonstrative can modify changes directly without of.
- 2. Use active verb phrase Original: have become a sparked debate Suggested revision: have sparked debate Why it matters: Sparked functions as the main verb and debate is used generally without an article.
- 3. Fix sentence structure Original: There are a growing number of people claim Suggested revision: A growing number of people claim Why it matters: The existential construction is incompatible with the finite verb claim here.
- 4. Match plural parents Original: daughter Suggested revision: daughters Why it matters: The general plural subject parents calls for the plural noun daughters.
- 5. Maintain past reference Original: when she is already 17 years old Suggested revision: when they were 17 years old Why it matters: The past reporting verb requires a past form, and they agrees with the plural daughters.
- 6. Keep number consistent Original: a woman should not abandon their family Suggested revision: women should not abandon their families Why it matters: Plural forms maintain consistent number across the subject, possessive, and noun.
- 7. Use natural competition phrase Original: struggling against their competitors “men” Suggested revision: competing with men Why it matters: Compete with is the natural expression and does not require the redundant noun competitors.
- 8. Use correct viewpoint phrase Original: From Suggested revision: In Why it matters: In my view is the fixed expression for introducing an opinion.
- 9. Name work commitments clearly Original: a lot of agendas of meeting and visiting the company Suggested revision: many meetings and business visits Why it matters: The replacement expresses the stated work commitments naturally and concisely.
- 10. Correct source phrase Original: According to physiologists point of view Suggested revision: According to psychologists Why it matters: Psychologists study behaviour, and according to already expresses the point-of-view relationship.
- 11. Use uncountable delinquency Original: delinquencies Suggested revision: delinquency Why it matters: Juvenile delinquency is uncountable when referring generally to this social problem.
- 12. Use correct noun forms Original: need caring and good upbringing Suggested revision: need care and a good upbringing Why it matters: Care is the required noun, and upbringing is a singular count noun here.
Suggested Rewrites
- The changes of these These changes
- have become a sparked debate have sparked debate
- There are a growing number of people claim A growing number of people claim
- daughter daughters
- when she is already 17 years old when they were 17 years old
- a woman should not abandon their family women should not abandon their families
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response offers relevant arguments on both the risks and benefits of mothers working, with some explanation and examples. Its main limitation is that the writer's position remains qualified and somewhat unclear, while weak paragraphing and frequent language errors make the argument less persuasive. The highest priority is to state a precise degree of agreement and organize each supporting reason in a separate, clearly developed paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The topic is addressed from both sides, but the degree of agreement is unclear and several ideas only loosely answer the claimed cause of delinquency.
State a clear position in the introduction and directly test whether maternal employment causes youth problems throughout both body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The sequence of contrasting ideas is broadly understandable, but the response is presented as one long paragraph and progression is often loose.
Separate the introduction, opposing arguments, and conclusion into distinct paragraphs with one controlling idea in each.
Lexical Resource
There is some topic-specific range, but repeated word-choice and collocation problems make expression awkward and occasionally imprecise.
Use simpler, established phrases for employment, childcare, behaviour, and educational opportunity, checking noun and verb combinations carefully.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentences are attempted, but frequent errors in agreement, articles, pronouns, tense, and clause formation limit accuracy.
Build sentences around a clear subject and finite verb, then check agreement and pronoun reference before adding dependent clauses.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.