The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Same question Compare all 2 answers See different approaches and band scores for this IELTS task.Sample Response
From the past until the last century, the vast majority of women stayed at home to look after their children and only a very small percentage of them had to work or do any outdoor activity in many countries. However, this custom had changed in the last 20 years and many women now go to work, run their shops or businesses or even work as managers in some multinational companies. Of course, this significant change has had good and bad impacts on everyday life. From my point of view, the disadvantages of this trend surpass the advantages it offers. Actually, this issue has to be discussed delicately. When the mother leaves her house, she has two choices: the first is to leave her house and children without care, and that of course is unacceptable. The other choice, and it's not better than the first one, is to get someone to looks after her children and do the housework. There are some reasons that may lead women to work, but the main reason is that: most married women who are employed or have their own business, need money to live an acceptable life. In my opinion, this is the husbands' responsibility and they shouldn't involve their wives in the task because this eventually leads to tragic consequences. Their children don’t get enough care and time with parents and that lead in the long term disorder in the society. From the psychological point of view, if the children don’t get enough care during the childhood, they may not be able to interact properly with people around them. Some people claim that "preventing women from work and not letting them earning money is a type of injustice "; but I don't think so. When a mother prevents her child from getting her care and affections, this is the injustice.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix time expression Original: From the past until the last century Suggested revision: Until the last century Why it matters: The original time expression is redundant and unnatural.
- 2. Clarify work context Original: do any outdoor activity Suggested revision: work outside the home Why it matters: Outdoor activity does not accurately express employment away from home.
- 3. Fix verb tense Original: had Suggested revision: has Why it matters: The present perfect connects the change over the last twenty years to the present.
- 4. Clarify list structure Original: run their shops or businesses or even work Suggested revision: run their shops or businesses, or even work Why it matters: The comma separates the final alternative in this extended list.
- 5. Use formal contrast Original: good and bad impacts Suggested revision: positive and negative effects Why it matters: The revised pair is more precise and appropriately formal.
- 6. Use natural collocation Original: surpass Suggested revision: outweigh Why it matters: Outweigh is the standard verb for comparing disadvantages with advantages.
- 7. Choose precise adverb Original: discussed delicately Suggested revision: examined carefully Why it matters: Carefully describes analytical treatment more accurately than delicately.
- 8. Improve clause form Original: and it's not better than the first one Suggested revision: which is no better than the first Why it matters: The relative clause connects the comparison smoothly to the preceding noun phrase.
- 9. Fix infinitive form Original: looks Suggested revision: look Why it matters: The infinitive marker to must be followed by the base form of the verb.
- 10. Remove incorrect colon Original: the main reason is that: Suggested revision: the main reason is that Why it matters: A colon should not separate that from the clause it introduces.
- 11. Remove subject comma Original: business, need Suggested revision: business need Why it matters: A comma must not separate this subject from its verb.
- 12. Use precise phrase Original: an acceptable life Suggested revision: a decent standard of living Why it matters: The revised phrase expresses the intended economic meaning more precisely.
Suggested Rewrites
- From the past until the last century Until the last century
- do any outdoor activity work outside the home
- had has
- run their shops or businesses or even work run their shops or businesses, or even work
- good and bad impacts positive and negative effects
- surpass outweigh
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response states a clear view and sustains it with a recognizable argument about parental care, using a reasonable range of vocabulary and sentence structures. Its main limitation is weak development and organization: the entire essay forms one paragraph, several claims are asserted rather than supported, and the position is not rounded off in a conclusion. Prioritize a clear paragraph structure with balanced, specific causal explanation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and relevant reasons are presented, but the argument is narrow, largely unsupported, and not completed with a conclusion.
Develop the claimed link between working mothers and youth problems with specific causal support while directly evaluating possible counterarguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has a recognizable progression, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph obscures the structure and weakens transitions between stages.
Separate the introduction, each main reason, any counterargument, and the conclusion into focused paragraphs with clear topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
The response shows an adequate range of less common vocabulary, though several word-form and collocation errors reduce precision and naturalness.
Check noun and verb combinations carefully, especially expressions concerning childcare, employment, social disorder, and emotional affection.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex sentence forms communicate the main ideas, but recurring agreement, verb-pattern, article, and punctuation errors limit accuracy.
Edit for subject–verb agreement and verb patterns, such as someone who looks after children and letting women earn money.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
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