The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Gender equality being the buzzword today, the position of women has undergone a sea change in all dimensions of life from the last couple of decades. It is a widely undeniable fact that majority of women now work and are becoming a mitigating factor when it comes to child-rearing at home. Now the question arises, on this trend being the main cause attributing to the increase in juvenile crime rates? In my opinion, married women being employed could be one among the many reasons involved in adolescent delinquencies and I would like to take a via media approach to this moot issue.
First, aspect to be discoursed in this context would be the mammoth change in the status of woman since last years. This change has had its influence on all social, economic and political spheres of life. In the present scenario, a predominance of employed female common partners is justified to some extent, because of the emergence of the new world economic order, globalisation. They play an imperative role in the society, unlike the past. Moreover, there are more female political figures than ever before on a worldwide perspective.
The fact remains certain that children of employed women are not well reared compared to their counterparts. Most of these children are forced to spend a major part of their formative periods with the babysitters or in kindergartens. Once grown up, they establish bonds with other people or students from different walks of life. Unattended or left alone, it is these bonds that become detrimental for them in future.
The rate of adolescent crime rates and delinquencies are on an ever increase since last few years. Most of the cases when transacted meticulously portray the absence of motherly care and diligence in the upbringing of the child. Another fascinating thing would be that a majority of such children are from families where both parents work. According to various studies conducted by the panel of experts world over concise that whether employed or unemployed it is the carefree maternal attitude being the eminent reason behind the issue.
From the objective analysis on the above discourse, my conscientious allows me to conclude that irrelevant of being employed or not, it is the quality of maternal care during the formative period that should be accounted for the future prospective of one’s sibling.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct time preposition Original: from the last couple of decades Suggested revision: over the last couple of decades Why it matters: Use 'over' to describe a change continuing across a period up to the present.
- 2. Avoid redundant emphasis Original: widely undeniable Suggested revision: widely acknowledged Why it matters: 'Widely' and 'undeniable' create awkward, excessive emphasis together.
- 3. Add definite article Original: fact that majority Suggested revision: fact that the majority Why it matters: 'Majority' requires the definite article in this construction.
- 4. Form indirect question Original: on this trend being Suggested revision: whether this trend is Why it matters: Use a whether-clause to introduce this indirect question grammatically.
- 5. Correct cause phrase Original: cause attributing to Suggested revision: cause of Why it matters: 'Cause of' is the correct collocation for naming what produces an increase.
- 6. Use one of Original: one among the many reasons Suggested revision: one of the many reasons Why it matters: The standard partitive structure is 'one of the many reasons'.
- 7. Use standard term Original: adolescent delinquencies Suggested revision: juvenile delinquency Why it matters: 'Juvenile delinquency' is the standard uncountable term for this phenomenon.
- 8. Use accessible wording Original: via media approach Suggested revision: middle-ground approach Why it matters: The English phrase communicates the intended balanced approach more clearly.
- 9. Remove faulty comma Original: First, aspect Suggested revision: The first aspect Why it matters: The comma wrongly separates the ordinal from the noun it modifies.
- 10. Correct verb choice Original: to be discoursed Suggested revision: to be discussed Why it matters: 'Discussed' is the appropriate verb for examining an aspect of the issue.
- 11. Use plural noun Original: status of woman Suggested revision: status of women Why it matters: The statement refers to women generally, so the plural noun is required.
- 12. Correct time expression Original: since last years Suggested revision: in recent years Why it matters: 'In recent years' is the grammatical expression for this recent period.
Suggested Rewrites
- from the last couple of decades over the last couple of decades
- widely undeniable widely acknowledged
- fact that majority fact that the majority
- on this trend being whether this trend is
- cause attributing to cause of
- one among the many reasons one of the many reasons
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response offers a qualified position and organises its discussion into recognisable stages, with the later paragraphs engaging directly with childcare and delinquency. However, a substantial paragraph about women's changing social status does little to answer the causal question, and frequent word-choice and sentence-structure problems obscure several claims. Focus first on building a directly relevant argument with clearly explained evidence, then simplify and correct the language used to express it.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The task is addressed with a qualified position, but development is uneven and one major paragraph is largely tangential.
Use every body paragraph to test the claimed causal link and develop other contributing causes that support the qualified position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing and broad progression are apparent, although the sequence is weakened by an off-focus section and unclear local links.
Give each paragraph one directly relevant claim and connect its evidence explicitly to the essay's stated position.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad and sometimes sophisticated vocabulary, but frequent misuse makes several meanings strained or inaccurate.
Prefer familiar, precise wording and check the meaning and collocation of less common terms before using them.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex forms are both attempted, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, prepositions, and clause construction reduce clarity.
Build complete sentences around clear subjects and verbs, then check agreement and article use before adding complex modifiers.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.