The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Over the last twenty years, the women empowerment and employment have gone through rapid changes and more women are working in the different sphere of society than ever. This is, in fact, advantageous for the overall growth a country and at the same time this is one of the main reasons the juvenile delinquency has increased nowadays. First of all, a child needs the tenderness and guidance of parents and if both parents are working they have very little time to spend with the children. The trends of both working parents are leading depression, lack of morality and lose family tie which has severe psychological damage among the teenagers. This is directly leading to issues like crime, drug and immoral activities conducted by the adolescents. Again, this is a long time trend that a father would bring the daily bread for the family while mother would foster and take care of the children in most of the society and with the women empowerment, this harmony has been changed. There is no harm in women employment and in fact this is positive from many perspectives and yet we can see an immense competition among the married couple especially regarding their career while they totally overlook their needs for their children. Fatherhood is important and he has many roles to play for the children but a mother, as we have seen throughout the century, makes the major share of contribution towards upbringing the children. When a mother has very little time to share with her kids, the problem related to juvenile crime increases. The teenage time is a very sensitive time in everyone’s life and if parents can’t contribute their duties at that time, the children have a chance to go astray. With working mothers, this is happening more than ever.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Improve the wording Original: the women empowerment and employment Suggested revision: women's empowerment and employment Why it matters: The possessive form is required, and the original article should be removed.
- 2. Improve the wording Original: the different sphere Suggested revision: different spheres Why it matters: The general statement refers to multiple areas of society.
- 3. Improve the wording Original: growth a country Suggested revision: growth of a country Why it matters: The preposition of is required.
- 4. Improve the wording Original: the Suggested revision: why Why it matters: Why introduces the clause explaining the increase.
- 5. Improve the wording Original: tenderness Suggested revision: care Why it matters: Care is the natural term for parental support.
- 6. Improve the wording Original: The trends of both working parents are Suggested revision: The trend of both parents working is Why it matters: The singular subject trend requires is and a gerund phrase.
- 7. Improve the wording Original: leading depression Suggested revision: leading to depression Why it matters: Lead requires to before the result.
- 8. Improve the wording Original: lack of morality and lose family tie Suggested revision: a lack of morality and the loss of family ties Why it matters: The coordinated noun phrases need articles, and loss must be a noun.
- 9. Improve the wording Original: severe psychological damage among the teenagers Suggested revision: severe psychological harm to teenagers Why it matters: Harm to is the natural collocation, and no article is needed for teenagers generally.
- 10. Improve the wording Original: crime, drug and immoral activities Suggested revision: crime, drug abuse, and other immoral activities Why it matters: Drug needs a noun such as abuse, and the final category needs clear coordination.
- 11. Improve the wording Original: by the adolescents Suggested revision: by adolescents Why it matters: No article is needed when referring to adolescents generally.
- 12. Improve the wording Original: a long time trend Suggested revision: a long-standing tradition Why it matters: This is the natural expression for an established social pattern.
Suggested Rewrites
- the women empowerment and employment women's empowerment and employment
- the different sphere different spheres
- growth a country growth of a country
- the why
- tenderness care
- The trends of both working parents are The trend of both parents working is
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear position and develops a coherent causal argument about limited parental time and adolescent behaviour. Its main limitation is that the reasoning becomes repetitive and relies on broad assertions rather than sufficiently examining or supporting the claimed link, while the absence of paragraphing reduces clarity. Prioritize a more measured, evidence-based argument organized into distinct introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly answers the question with a consistent view and relevant explanation, but its central claim is repeated more than it is critically developed or substantiated.
Support the claimed causal connection with a specific example and acknowledge other influences on juvenile delinquency before reaffirming the position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas move in a generally logical sequence through parental time, family roles, and adolescent outcomes, but repetition and a single unbroken paragraph weaken organization.
Use distinct paragraphs for the position, supporting reasons, qualification, and conclusion, giving each paragraph one clear function.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate range for discussing employment, parenting, psychology, and delinquency, although inaccurate formations and awkward collocations occur regularly.
Use more precise natural combinations such as women's employment, lead to depression, loss of family ties, and fulfil parental duties.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex sentences, but frequent errors with articles, agreement, prepositions, noun forms, and clause control reduce accuracy.
Shorten overloaded sentences and check each clause for a complete structure, correct subject-verb agreement, and appropriate articles and prepositions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.