The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Undoubtedly, a variety of social and professional positions are now occupied by women than ever before. However, being a contentious issue among many, whether or not this revolution has been leading to expanding brutal manners of the young, is not easy to respond. I personally somewhat concur that some other crucial factors could be placed more premium, ranging from the pressure of the peers and unwelcome friends to the upbringing responsibilities shouldered by fathers. Firstly, it would be wrong to profess that parents’ spending time with their offspring could thoroughly prevent the negative aspects of the friendship of them. As a case in point, one acquaintance of mine claimed that despite his householder mother attempted to make an in demand friendship with him, he possesses some savage etiquette, particularly against girls due to the influence of his friends. This shows that the length of the time mothers spend with their children could not guarantee the social health of their descendants. In contrast, it seems the quality of relations between parents and kids plays a pivotal role in depriving tendency of children to crime. Furthermore, the responsibilities of fathers concerning fostering descendants should not be ignored. To illustrate, in some communities, thanks to the improvement of knowledge in all fields, the novel methods of bringing up children emphasise on the equal quota of mothers and fathers alike for affecting their kids, in particular in terms of social behaviour. The more each of parents could cover their own duties of paying effective attention to children, the more assurance they could achieve concerning having competent children away from any abnormal treatment. By way of conclusion, although mothers being beside their descendants for a long time a day could shape a great deal of children’s personality, they could not assure that the juvenile does not tend to any violence behaviour. Since the pressure of friends and also the equal responsibilities of fathers are some practical factors which considerably affect the social treatment of the young.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: the negative aspects of the friendship of them Suggested revision: the negative effects of their friendships Why it matters: This revision expresses the intended relationship clearly and idiomatically.
- 2. Correct contrast structure Original: despite Suggested revision: although Why it matters: A finite clause with a subject and verb requires although rather than despite.
- 3. Choose correct term Original: householder mother Suggested revision: stay-at-home mother Why it matters: Householder does not mean a mother who does not work outside the home.
- 4. Use natural collocation Original: make an in demand friendship with him Suggested revision: develop a close relationship with him Why it matters: The original phrase is not an idiomatic description of a close parent-child relationship.
- 5. Clarify behaviour Original: he possesses some savage etiquette Suggested revision: he displays some aggressive behaviour Why it matters: Possess and etiquette do not collocate with the intended negative behaviour.
- 6. Use precise preposition Original: against Suggested revision: towards Why it matters: Towards is the natural preposition when describing behaviour directed at people.
- 7. Use correct quantity phrase Original: the length of the time Suggested revision: the amount of time Why it matters: Time is uncountable here, so amount is the appropriate measure.
- 8. Clarify the relationship Original: depriving tendency of children to crime Suggested revision: reducing children's tendency towards crime Why it matters: The original wording uses deprive incorrectly and obscures the intended meaning.
- 9. Use natural wording Original: fostering descendants Suggested revision: raising children Why it matters: Raising children is the standard expression for parental upbringing.
- 10. Remove wrong preposition Original: emphasise on Suggested revision: emphasise Why it matters: Emphasise is transitive and does not take on in this construction.
- 11. Clarify parental roles Original: the equal quota of mothers and fathers alike for affecting their kids Suggested revision: equal contributions from mothers and fathers to influencing their children Why it matters: Quota and affecting are unnatural choices for describing shared parental influence.
- 12. Correct determiner pattern Original: each of parents Suggested revision: each parent Why it matters: Each can directly modify the singular noun parent here.
Suggested Rewrites
- the negative aspects of the friendship of them the negative effects of their friendships
- despite although
- householder mother stay-at-home mother
- make an in demand friendship with him develop a close relationship with him
- he possesses some savage etiquette he displays some aggressive behaviour
- against towards
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response sustains a relevant position and develops two plausible counterweights to the claim, particularly peer influence and fathers’ responsibilities. Its main limitation is that frequent unnatural word choices and malformed constructions blur otherwise thoughtful reasoning; the highest priority is to state the degree of agreement directly, then express each supporting point in precise, natural sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant position is maintained and supported with developed points about peers, parental relationships, and fathers, although the exact degree of agreement is not always sharply expressed.
State the extent of agreement unambiguously in the introduction and connect every body point directly to whether working mothers cause delinquency.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through distinct supporting ideas, but some references and links between clauses are awkward or imprecise.
Use clearer topic sentences and simpler reference words so each example and explanation follows its main claim without ambiguity.
Lexical Resource
There is a broad vocabulary and an evident attempt at precision, but frequent miscollocations such as unnatural descriptions of behaviour substantially reduce clarity.
Prioritise accurate, conventional combinations such as peer pressure, antisocial behaviour, and shared parenting responsibilities over elaborate but unsuitable wording.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex structures, but recurring errors in clause formation, articles, agreement, and complementation sometimes make sentences difficult to follow.
Build complex sentences from securely controlled clauses and proofread each one for a complete main verb, agreement, articles, and natural verb patterns.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.