In many countries nowadays, young single people no longer stay with their parents until they are married, but leave to study or work somewhere else. Do you think this trend has more advantages or disadvantages?
Sample Response
It is not uncommon these days that in every country, young unmarried individuals are not living with their parents any longer because they choose to go abroad for study or work purposes. However, in every certain change, there are always benefits and drawbacks as I will now be discussing. My first point is, as a young adult, leaving our homes to study or work overseas will benefit us personally and professionally. For instance, when I was studying for a three-month course for initial registration for overseas registered nurses at IHNA (Institute of Health and Nursing Australia) in Heidelberg Hts. Victoria, Australia, I learned a lot more about myself in that twelve weeks program, because of the unique space in which I learned, experienced and spent exploring an Australian culture. My maturity has increased as well as my self-confidence and I gained personal growth. Also, an entire range of professional opportunities has opened up to me after I finished the initial registration partly due to the skills and internship experiences I acquired in one of the prominent hospitals in Melbourne, the Royal Melbourne Hospital. Thus, I am now a professional ICU (Intensive Care Unit) nurse in a tertiary level and private hospital here in the Philippines, the Urdaneta Sacred Heart Hospital. On the other hand, leaving our own home & our family will make us feel homesick that may sometimes lead to depression. As for my experience in Victoria, I was so alone and always missed my parents. Even if there is technology to make my communication ready and accessible with them, still it was not enough. As a result, I almost got into a depressing state if only I did not learn how to cope up. So these are the possible disadvantages of living away from home. In conclusion, I think that this trend will have a positive and negative impact in our lives. But if we manage to adapt this situation, this will give us more benefits than problems. So in order for us to achieve this, perhaps we have to socialise more often with our classmates or co-workers to avoid depression.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Concise opening Original: It is not uncommon these days Suggested revision: It is increasingly common Why it matters: This is shorter and more direct.
- 2. Overgeneralisation Original: in every country Suggested revision: in many countries Why it matters: Many countries matches the prompt and avoids an unsupported absolute claim.
- 3. Natural phrase Original: go abroad for study or work purposes Suggested revision: move away to study or work Why it matters: The prompt is not limited to going abroad.
- 4. Unnatural phrase Original: in every certain change Suggested revision: with every major change Why it matters: This phrase is clearer and idiomatic.
- 5. Academic preview Original: as I will now be discussing Suggested revision: which this essay will discuss Why it matters: This is more formal than referring to yourself.
- 6. Pronoun consistency Original: leaving our homes Suggested revision: leaving home Why it matters: Leaving home is the natural fixed expression.
- 7. Singular modifier Original: in that twelve weeks program Suggested revision: in that twelve-week program Why it matters: Use a singular hyphenated modifier before a noun.
- 8. Article use Original: spent exploring an Australian culture Suggested revision: spent exploring Australian culture Why it matters: Australian culture is used generally here, so no article is needed.
- 9. Tense choice Original: My maturity has increased Suggested revision: My maturity increased Why it matters: Past simple fits the completed experience.
- 10. Collocation Original: I gained personal growth Suggested revision: I experienced personal growth Why it matters: Experience personal growth is the natural phrase.
- 11. Avoid ampersand Original: leaving our own home & our family Suggested revision: leaving our home and family Why it matters: Use and rather than an ampersand in formal writing.
- 12. Concession phrase Original: Even if there is technology Suggested revision: Even though technology exists Why it matters: Even though is better for a real contrast.
Suggested Rewrites
- It is not uncommon these days It is increasingly common
- in every country in many countries
- go abroad for study or work purposes move away to study or work
- in every certain change with every major change
- as I will now be discussing which this essay will discuss
- leaving our homes leaving home
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay addresses advantages and disadvantages and gives a final view that benefits are greater, but the support relies heavily on one personal example.
Add more general reasons, such as independence, employability, loneliness, and financial pressure, so the argument is not only autobiographical.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a recognizable structure and paragraphing, but some linking is repetitive and the example dominates the progression.
Use topic sentences that state the general point before adding personal evidence.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally understandable and topic-relevant, though some phrases are informal, wordy, or inaccurate.
Use concise phrases such as live independently, career prospects, homesickness, emotional strain, and adapt to a new environment.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is usually clear, but there are frequent errors with articles, prepositions, pronouns, and verb patterns.
Check prepositions after impact and adapt, and simplify long example sentences.