Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
Reformation in public healthcare facilities has been a contentious issue for quite a long time. While some people propose that incorporating several sports facilities can work like a charm for the public health sector, others opine that health concerns many other factors that need equal precedence. In my opinion, the latter perception is more viable and I shall elaborate on the same in the following paragraphs.
It is a well-known fact that regular exercise and active involvement in sports keep an individual healthy in mind and body. As a result, many initiatives have been taken to augment the construction of yoga centers, gyms, public swimming pools, etc. Furthermore, they have been established for the public so that they can afford to engage themselves in such invigorating activities, which in turn, will create a robust population.
However, like a section of people, I believe that a sole focus on sports facilities will not have a consequential impact on public health. It is because a substantial number of the global population does not have access to food, safe drinking water and sanitation, which constitute the necessities of every human. As there is a shortage of the bare minimum requirements, health is adversely affected by malnutrition and ailments like marasmus, scurvy, xerophthalmia, to name a few. Moreover, there is a dearth of public awareness of a number of diseases or health conditions, some of which are fatal to life. Consequently, many people fall prey to them. For example, it took more than three decades to eradicate polio in most countries due to a lack of awareness and healthcare benefits. Likewise, in recent years, socio-economic issues like unemployment, inflation, etc., have created psychological pressure on every individual, resulting in mental disorders.
In conclusion, I would like to say that even though the government is taking steps to encourage people to improve public health, it is of utmost importance that instead of just investing in building sports facilities, we should be involved in bringing in a wholesome change in the public health sector by creating consciousness, increasing the availability of fundamental needs and supporting each other.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural phrasing Original: Reformation in public healthcare facilities Suggested revision: Reform of public healthcare Why it matters: The noun phrase is unnecessarily awkward for describing changes to healthcare.
- 2. Clarify facility provision Original: incorporating several sports facilities Suggested revision: providing more sports facilities Why it matters: This wording expresses the proposal more directly and naturally.
- 3. Use formal register Original: work like a charm Suggested revision: be highly effective Why it matters: The idiom is too informal for an academic essay.
- 4. Correct verb structure Original: health concerns many other factors Suggested revision: public health depends on many other factors Why it matters: The verb 'concerns' does not express the intended relationship in this structure.
- 5. Choose natural collocation Original: precedence Suggested revision: priority Why it matters: 'Equal priority' is the natural collocation for factors deserving comparable attention.
- 6. Name the view Original: perception Suggested revision: view Why it matters: 'View' refers more precisely to the second opinion in the prompt.
- 7. Simplify awkward phrase Original: augment the construction of Suggested revision: increase the number of Why it matters: The proposed wording conveys expansion more naturally.
- 8. Clarify the reference Original: they have been established Suggested revision: these facilities have been established Why it matters: The pronoun could refer incorrectly to the preceding initiatives rather than the facilities.
- 9. Correct word choice Original: afford to engage themselves Suggested revision: take part Why it matters: 'Afford to engage themselves' is awkward and does not clearly describe participation.
- 10. Use concise wording Original: like a section of people Suggested revision: like some people Why it matters: The original phrase is unnatural when referring to an unspecified group.
- 11. Use proportion correctly Original: number Suggested revision: proportion Why it matters: A population is measured here as a proportion rather than as a number of the population.
- 12. Remove redundancy Original: fatal to life Suggested revision: fatal Why it matters: 'Fatal' already means causing death, so 'to life' is redundant.
Suggested Rewrites
- Reformation in public healthcare facilities Reform of public healthcare
- incorporating several sports facilities providing more sports facilities
- work like a charm be highly effective
- health concerns many other factors public health depends on many other factors
- precedence priority
- perception view
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s clearest strength is its sustained, well-supported position that broader public-health measures matter more than additional sports facilities, while still acknowledging the benefits of exercise. Its main limitation is occasional imprecision and overstatement in vocabulary and supporting claims. The highest-priority improvement is to use more natural collocations and develop the sports-facilities view with the same specificity as the alternative measures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed, the writer’s preference is clear throughout, and the main argument is supported with several relevant explanations and examples.
Develop the sports-facilities view more fully and qualify broad claims about global deprivation and disease eradication.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through a clear introduction, two contrasting body paragraphs, and a conclusion, with effective overall cohesion.
Use referencing and transitions more selectively so connections feel less formulaic and pronoun references remain immediately clear.
Lexical Resource
A broad range of topic-specific and less common vocabulary conveys the argument clearly, despite some awkward or imprecise collocations.
Prioritise natural combinations such as reforming public health, raising awareness, and improving access to basic necessities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures with generally strong control, and the few grammatical lapses do not impede meaning.
Refine agreement, reference, and clause construction in longer sentences to make complex ideas consistently precise.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
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