Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
In our modern society, the question how to improve public health has been widely discussed. A fair portion of people believes that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve public health, while others hold the opposite point of view. As for me, I believe that increasing number of sports facilities and medical care are both important to improve public health.
First, more sports facilities, such as gym and football playground, can offer the great improvement of public health. Nowadays, we have more pressure from work, life and even relationship, so doing exercise becomes a good way to relax. For example, the gyms of Pure and California Fitness have already placed in many areas. The recently published data shows that, in HongKong, increasing number of businessmen prefer to go to the gym after work, which can definitely improve public health. Therefore, more and more sports facilities can improve public health.
Second, people should pay more attention to medical care, which is another import way to improve public health. In my hometown, for instance, the government made a new policy in 2014, which was to encourage people, especially elderly people, to do the body check at least once a year. The government would pay the half fee for body check for all citizens. This policy makes more and more people can prevent serious disease in the early stage. Medical care set by our government improves public health efficiently. In this case, another perfect way is to pay more attention to medical care.
In my opinion, it is impossible to say that there is only one way to improve public health. We should work both on increasing numbers of sports facilities and setting up more medical cares for public. Both of the ways can keep us healthy and away from getting bad diseases.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add required preposition Original: the question how to improve Suggested revision: the question of how to improve Why it matters: The noun 'question' needs 'of' before this embedded clause.
- 2. Use correct collocation Original: portion Suggested revision: proportion Why it matters: 'Proportion' is the natural noun for a share of a population.
- 3. Fix subject-verb agreement Original: believes Suggested revision: believe Why it matters: The plural subject 'people' takes the base-form verb 'believe'.
- 4. Make elements parallel Original: increasing number of sports facilities and medical care are both important Suggested revision: increasing the number of sports facilities and improving medical care are both important Why it matters: Parallel gerund phrases make the two proposed measures grammatically comparable.
- 5. Use natural facility terms Original: such as gym and football playground Suggested revision: such as gyms and football pitches Why it matters: Plural nouns and 'football pitches' accurately name examples of sports facilities.
- 6. Use natural verb phrase Original: offer the great improvement of public health Suggested revision: greatly improve public health Why it matters: The direct verb phrase is more idiomatic than 'offer the improvement of'.
- 7. Improve word choice Original: more pressure from work, life and even relationship Suggested revision: greater pressure from work, daily life and even relationships Why it matters: 'Greater pressure' and plural 'relationships' express the intended comparison naturally.
- 8. Use concise phrasing Original: doing exercise becomes Suggested revision: exercising is Why it matters: 'Exercising is' is a more natural way to describe a general activity.
- 9. Fix noun phrase Original: gyms of Pure and California Fitness Suggested revision: Pure and California Fitness gyms Why it matters: English places the organization names before the head noun 'gyms'.
- 10. Use passive form Original: have already placed Suggested revision: have already been established Why it matters: The facilities receive the action, so a passive verb form is required.
- 11. Add article Original: increasing number of businessmen Suggested revision: an increasing number of businesspeople Why it matters: The count expression requires the article 'an', and 'businesspeople' is more inclusive.
- 12. Correct word form Original: import Suggested revision: important Why it matters: 'Important' is the intended adjective; 'import' has a different meaning.
Suggested Rewrites
- the question how to improve the question of how to improve
- portion proportion
- believes believe
- increasing number of sports facilities and medical care are both important increasing the number of sports facilities and improving medical care are both important
- such as gym and football playground such as gyms and football pitches
- offer the great improvement of public health greatly improve public health
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response has a clear position, relevant paragraphing, and a straightforward discussion of sports facilities and medical care. Its main limitation is that the ideas are repetitive and only moderately developed, while frequent errors in articles, agreement, and collocation reduce precision. The highest priority is to extend each argument with a more clearly explained cause-and-effect chain while proofreading noun forms and sentence structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views and the writer's opinion are addressed, but the supporting ideas remain somewhat repetitive and unevenly developed.
Develop each view through a distinct explanation of how the proposed measure changes health outcomes rather than restating that it improves health.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses clearly through an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, although linking is repetitive and occasionally mechanical.
Use more varied internal progression within paragraphs and remove repeated concluding statements that add no new point.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficient for the topic and includes some less common terms, but inaccurate word choice and collocation occur regularly.
Replace awkward phrases such as references to medical cares and bad diseases with precise, natural health-related collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the message, but frequent article, agreement, plural, and clause-construction errors weaken control.
Prioritise accurate noun phrases and verb patterns, especially articles, countable plurals, and structures following verbs such as make and prevent.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Your response
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