Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Same question Compare 2 different answersSample Response
Health and fitness of people are declining and it has become a focus issue recently. Some individuals argue that improving exercise facilities can be the best effort to increase community health. However, some others believe that sports facility only accounts the little effect on health and other actions should be made to develop health. This essay will discuss both these views through the following paragraphs.
To begin with, lack of workout is believed as one of the risk factors of several illnesses since it is required to secrete energy and maintain cardiovascular health. Low participation of people in doing exercise can be influenced by a limited number of sports centre available. Thus, improving sports facilities can be a good alternative providing favourable and measurable workout equipment for individuals. Canada, for example, has successfully reduced the prevalence of hypertension in that country since a number of workout centres are ubiquitous and people have become more intense visiting sports club to do a regular workout.
Despite workout, food intake also significantly determines public health. Several health issues are associated with poor diet consumption. Diabetic, for instance, becomes susceptible to people consuming fast-food mostly in their daily meal as it may improve the number of excessive glucose and trans-fat into the body. Hence, one of the solutions for this dietary problem is by reducing fast-food consumption and adopting a norm of organic food into daily account.
Among other effective measures, the government should encourage people to use the bicycle and walk to reach their workplace. The office authorities should also encourage people to move whenever possible and should persuade them to work out during breaks. All in all, attracting people’s enthusiasm to exercise more often by increasing sports centre and changing diet habit from fast-food to organic one are necessary for elevating community health degree.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: a focus issue Suggested revision: a major concern Why it matters: “A major concern” is the natural expression for an important public issue.
- 2. Choose precise wording Original: effort Suggested revision: way Why it matters: A facility can be a way to improve health, but it is not itself an effort.
- 3. Remove unnecessary determiner Original: some others Suggested revision: others Why it matters: “Others” functions as a pronoun here and does not need “some”.
- 4. Use concise phrasing Original: through Suggested revision: in Why it matters: The standard phrase for locating discussion within an essay is “in the following paragraphs”.
- 5. Use academic vocabulary Original: lack of workout Suggested revision: a lack of exercise Why it matters: “Exercise” is the appropriate general noun for physical activity in this context.
- 6. Correct verb pattern Original: is believed as Suggested revision: is believed to be Why it matters: The passive pattern is “be believed to be,” not “be believed as”.
- 7. Correct word choice Original: secrete Suggested revision: expend Why it matters: People expend or use energy; they do not secrete it.
- 8. Simplify noun phrase Original: Low participation of people in doing exercise Suggested revision: Low participation in exercise Why it matters: The shorter construction is grammatical and expresses the same meaning clearly.
- 9. Fix number and order Original: sports centre available Suggested revision: available sports centres Why it matters: The plural noun and adjective-before-noun order are required here.
- 10. Add relative clause Original: a good alternative providing Suggested revision: a good alternative that provides Why it matters: A relative clause is needed to connect the alternative with what it provides.
- 11. Use meaningful description Original: favourable and measurable workout equipment Suggested revision: suitable exercise equipment Why it matters: “Favourable” and “measurable” do not naturally describe exercise equipment.
- 12. Correct complement pattern Original: more intense visiting sports club Suggested revision: more committed to visiting sports clubs Why it matters: “Committed to” takes a gerund and conveys regular participation clearly.
Suggested Rewrites
- a focus issue a major concern
- effort way
- some others others
- through in
- lack of workout a lack of exercise
- is believed as is believed to be
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response addresses both perspectives and supports its points with relevant health-related examples, while its paragraphing gives the argument a generally clear direction. The main limitation is that the writer's own position is only fully apparent in the conclusion, and several ideas rely on questionable or thinly explained claims. Prioritise a clear thesis and develop fewer measures with precise causal explanation and credible support.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed and a position can be inferred, but the opinion is delayed and some supporting claims are insufficiently developed or credible.
State the position explicitly in the introduction and develop each proposed health measure with a convincing causal explanation.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response follows a logical paragraph sequence, though some links are mechanical and the final paragraph combines new measures with the conclusion too abruptly.
Separate the final supporting measure from the conclusion and use transitions that clarify the relationship between ideas.
Lexical Resource
There is an adequate range of health-related vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations and word choices reduce precision and naturalness.
Replace awkward combinations such as expressions about secreting energy or developing health with standard academic collocations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The writer attempts varied and complex structures, but recurring errors with articles, agreement, prepositions, and word forms limit control.
Edit each sentence for noun phrase accuracy and verb patterns, especially articles, singular-plural agreement, and dependent prepositions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many people think that increasing the number of sports facilities is the best way to improve the public health. Others, however, say that this is not an effective way of improving the public health and other measures should be taken. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
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