There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Sample Response
In the modern world, we can find numerous genres of music. The importance of music in our lives is often questioned. Moreover, there is a debate about whether traditional music is more significant compared to international music that has gained popularity worldwide. In this essay, I will share my perspective on the importance of music and which type of music holds greater significance.
Music is an essential part of human life. It has the power to evoke emotions, connect people and cultures, and even bring positive changes to individuals. Music therapy is a popular way to treat psychological disorders, and it has proven to be effective in improving mental health. Music also plays a crucial role in shaping culture and traditions. For instance, traditional music is an integral part of cultural ceremonies and festivals, and it helps preserve the unique identity of a particular community.
While traditional music holds cultural significance, international music has become popular worldwide and has a massive fan following. It has become a medium to bridge the gap between different cultures and countries. For example, K-pop, which originated in South Korea, has a massive fan following worldwide and has introduced Korean culture and language to many people. Similarly, Western music has had a significant impact on the music industry globally, and it has inspired many artists to create music that reflects their cultural identity.
In conclusion, music is an integral part of human life, and it has the power to connect people and cultures. While traditional music holds cultural significance, international music has become a medium to promote cultural diversity and global harmony. Therefore, both types of music are important in their unique ways, and it is essential to appreciate and promote both.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the comparison Original: more significant compared to Suggested revision: more significant than Why it matters: A direct comparative adjective takes than rather than compared to here.
- 2. Use concise framing Original: In the modern world Suggested revision: Today Why it matters: The single adverb conveys the same time reference more directly.
- 3. Use an existential form Original: we can find Suggested revision: there are Why it matters: The existential construction states the availability of many genres more naturally.
- 4. Show the relationship Original: Moreover Suggested revision: Alongside this Why it matters: This connector more clearly introduces the related comparison question rather than another supporting point.
- 5. Reduce wordiness Original: international music that has gained popularity worldwide Suggested revision: international music heard worldwide Why it matters: The replacement conveys the same global reach more compactly.
- 6. Use a direct verb Original: share my perspective on Suggested revision: examine Why it matters: A direct reporting verb is more concise than the multiword phrase.
- 7. Clarify the comparison Original: which type of music holds greater significance Suggested revision: whether either type of music is more significant Why it matters: The whether clause states the comparison more clearly and fits the preceding preposition on.
- 8. Use precise wording Original: a popular way to treat Suggested revision: a widely used treatment for Why it matters: The replacement expresses the therapeutic role in a more formal and concise way.
- 9. Streamline the verb phrase Original: has proven to be effective in improving Suggested revision: has proved effective in improving Why it matters: The shorter construction is grammatically complete and avoids unnecessary words.
- 10. Keep the nouns parallel Original: shaping culture and traditions Suggested revision: shaping cultures and traditions Why it matters: Plural cultures matches the general reference to multiple communities and traditions.
- 11. Order the supporting points Suggested revision: Present the general benefits first, then signal the therapy and cultural examples as separate support. Why it matters: A clearer sequence would distinguish the broad claim from the two different illustrations.
- 12. Link examples explicitly Suggested revision: Use clearer links from the general bridging claim to each music example so their illustrative roles are evident. Why it matters: The examples follow logically, but their connection to the paragraph's opening claim is mostly implicit.
Suggested Rewrites
- more significant compared to more significant than
- In the modern world Today
- we can find there are
- Moreover Alongside this
- international music that has gained popularity worldwide international music heard worldwide
- share my perspective on examine
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay answers both questions clearly, maintains a balanced position, and supports its discussion with relevant examples of therapy, cultural traditions, and internationally popular music. Its main limitation is that the comparison of relative importance remains somewhat broad, with the body paragraphs often describing benefits rather than directly weighing the two forms. The highest-priority improvement is to make the comparative judgement more explicit and develop the criteria used to assess importance.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both parts of the task are directly answered with a clear, consistent position and relevant, sufficiently developed supporting ideas.
Strengthen the comparison by explaining why cultural preservation and cross-cultural connection justify treating both forms as equally important.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is logically organised, with clear paragraph purposes and smooth progression from music's functions to the comparison.
Create a more explicit logical bridge between the cultural role of traditional music and the global role of international music.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is varied, appropriate, and generally precise, though several key words and phrases are repeated noticeably.
Vary repeated expressions such as 'massive fan following,' 'worldwide,' and 'cultural significance' while preserving precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A broad range of complex structures is used accurately and flexibly, with only minor imperfections that do not impede communication.
Refine comparative phrasing, for example replacing 'more significant compared to' with the more concise 'more significant than.'
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IELTS Writing Task 2
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.