The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Sample Response
The stipulated vertical bar chart depicts the outcome of a survey carried out by the personnel department of a major company and the survey was conducted among the 18-30 and 45-60 age groupsamong 18-35 and 45-60 age groups in order to show various elements that influence their job efficiency. At a glance, money is the motivating factor among both age groups.
To begin withTo commence with, apparently, among both age groups of 18-3035 and 45-60, team spirit motivates an equal proportion of workersteam spirit motivates equal proportion of people at 60%that is 60%. Not only the chance for personal development but also the relaxed working environment is influenced youngsters about 90% and 80 % respectively which is twice than older age group. Surprisingly, a competent bosscompetent boss and job satisfactionthe job satisfaction motivate almost equal proportions of workershave almost an equal proportion of workers satisfaction in both age groups. Apparently, job security only motivates 20 percent of older workerselders whereaswhereas, the figure for younger workers is 40%it is among youngsters 40. By comparison,Even though, 80% of younger workers80% youngsters are motivated by promotion prospects, in the case of the olderold group, 50%only 45% are motivated by promotion prospectswork for promotion. Interestingly, both age groups take money as the most equally encouraging factor to work with 75% while work environment was least with 30%.
To conclude, youngsters give great value to chance for personal development at workplaces.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response compares many relevant factors and identifies personal development as especially important to younger workers. However, the overview is misleading because money is not the leading factor for the 18-30 group, the group is repeatedly labelled 18-35, and some figures or rankings are approximate or incorrect. Prioritise an accurate two-part overview, then report only verified comparisons in clearer sentences.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Many useful comparisons are included, but the younger age range is wrong and the overview inaccurately suggests money leads for both groups.
State that personal development leads among 18-30-year-olds while money is highest among 45-60-year-olds, and verify all labels and rankings.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a recognisable introduction, detail section and conclusion, though sequencing relies on repetitive and sometimes unsuitable linking adverbs.
Group factors by similar and contrasting results, using fewer signposting words and clearer topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate vocabulary for motivation and comparison, but terms such as "elders," "old group" and "most equally encouraging" are imprecise.
Use neutral labels such as "older workers" and precise comparative phrases such as "the highest proportion" or "roughly equal figures".
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of sentence structures is attempted, but frequent agreement, article, preposition and comparative-form errors weaken control.
Rewrite awkward clauses in direct forms, for example "Personal development influenced about 90% of younger workers, more than twice the older figure."
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.