Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.͒ Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In the contemporary epoch, individuals are either reliant or living on their own, and it frequently generates a distinguishable deal of heated debate. Some communities believe that there is a substantial increase in being dependent on others in the current generation. In contrast, the opposite school of thought propounds that they live by themselves. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I will talk through both perspectives with credible illustrations along with the certitude of the latter stance.
Analyzing the given assertion and explaining further, some commodities feel that they still depend on others even in the cutting-edge era. It is due to the impoverished educational system and kids’ upbringing in India. Children are provided with numerous amenities and are extremely pampered by parents starting from their primary days of schooling till their former education is completed. Therefore, it makes teenagers rely on elders even for fundamental survival and are gradually manipulated to obey their words. In a similar fashion, individuals suffering from anxiety and stress are advised to seek therapy aid. This eventually makes patients get assistance for their psychological hurdles. Hence, people are dependent on elders and professional advisers for their survival and happiness.
Probing ahead, there are a plethora of aspects where individuals are working on their own and making their lives satisfied by staying independent. This makes them content, and they are able to face any sort of circumstances. To exemplify, university students are living by themselves rather than requesting monetary assistance from parents. They are employed in multifarious part-time jobs and are able to pay their college fees, loans and everyday expenses. Furthermore, women in India used to depend on their male partners to look after their children and for fundamental survival. However, the modern scenario is entirely different, and they are making their livelihood. Thus college-goers and women are substantially independent and taking remarkable care of themselves.
Considering everything, there are various factors where the public is either reliant or on their own. Therefore, I opine that despite children and medical patients, others strive hard to be independent and successful in their lives.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural wording Original: contemporary epoch Suggested revision: modern world Why it matters: Modern world is a natural expression for the present-day context in the prompt.
- 2. Clarify pronoun reference Original: it frequently generates Suggested revision: this issue frequently generates Why it matters: The pronoun it has no clear singular antecedent in the preceding clause.
- 3. Fix awkward collocation Original: a distinguishable deal of heated debate Suggested revision: considerable debate Why it matters: Considerable debate is the concise, standard collocation for substantial disagreement.
- 4. Choose accurate noun Original: communities Suggested revision: people Why it matters: The claim concerns individuals who hold a view, rather than communities as collective entities.
- 5. Use concise noun phrase Original: a substantial increase in being dependent Suggested revision: greater dependence Why it matters: Greater dependence expresses the comparison directly and idiomatically.
- 6. Simplify formal phrasing Original: the opposite school of thought propounds Suggested revision: the opposing view argues Why it matters: The revision is precise and avoids unnecessarily inflated wording.
- 7. Clarify referent Original: they live by themselves Suggested revision: people have become more independent Why it matters: People supplies a clear subject and accurately restates the second view.
- 8. Use academic verb Original: talk through Suggested revision: discuss Why it matters: Discuss is the conventional academic verb for examining two perspectives.
- 9. Use precise phrase Original: credible illustrations Suggested revision: relevant examples Why it matters: Relevant examples describes the intended supporting material more accurately.
- 10. State support clearly Original: along with the certitude of the latter stance Suggested revision: and explain why I support the latter view Why it matters: The revision conveys the intended preference in clear, natural language.
- 11. Correct word choice Original: commodities Suggested revision: people Why it matters: Commodities are goods, so the word cannot refer to people who hold an opinion.
- 12. Use natural time phrase Original: the cutting-edge era Suggested revision: the modern era Why it matters: Modern era is idiomatic, whereas cutting-edge usually modifies technology or methods.
Suggested Rewrites
- contemporary epoch modern world
- it frequently generates this issue frequently generates
- a distinguishable deal of heated debate considerable debate
- communities people
- a substantial increase in being dependent greater dependence
- the opposite school of thought propounds the opposing view argues
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response fully covers both perspectives, gives a clear preference for greater independence, and supports its points with relevant examples in a logical paragraph structure. Its main weakness is an overambitious, formulaic vocabulary style that produces frequent unnatural or inaccurate expressions and occasionally blurs otherwise sound ideas. The highest priority is to replace inflated phrasing with precise, idiomatic language while sharpening the explanation of why modern conditions create dependence.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed with relevant support, and the writer’s preference for the independence view is clear, although parts of the dependence argument are not fully tied to modern-world change.
Explain more directly why each example demonstrates increasing modern dependence and evaluate the two views comparatively before reaffirming the opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are logically grouped and the response progresses clearly from one view to the other and then to the conclusion, despite some conspicuous formulaic transitions.
Use simpler, meaning-led transitions and ensure each paragraph moves from claim to explanation to example without stock introductory phrases.
Lexical Resource
The essay displays a broad vocabulary, but frequent awkward or incorrect choices such as “some commodities,” “former education,” and “making their lives satisfied” reduce naturalness and precision.
Choose familiar words with secure collocations, reserving less common vocabulary for contexts where its meaning and grammatical behavior are fully controlled.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex sentence forms is used with generally good control, though occasional agreement, coordination, and construction errors remain noticeable.
Review complex sentences for consistent subjects and parallel verb structures, especially when coordinating two consequences or descriptions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent.͒ Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.