Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
As mankindthe mankind has progressed, technology has advancedthe technology has advanced as well. From the telephone which was invented by Graham Bellbell in the 19th century to the iPhone invented by Steve Jobs in the 21st century, we have made considerable progressmade a lot of progress in terms of technology. As a result of this revolution in technology, more and more gadgets are being used to monitor people. However, such monitoring has both advantages and disadvantagespositives and negatives when it comes to the end result.
CCTV cameras are quite commonplacemundane in shops, malls, etc and they help employers keephelp the bosses keep an eye on their employees. As a direct result, the employees, being aware of the monitoring, work efficiently. In a travelling job, employers can trackthe bosses can track their employees via GPS and thereby preventprevents false reportsfalse report-ins. Moreover, shoplifting is also often either averted or the shoplifter is caught usinggets caught from the CCTV tapes.
In spite of the advantages of monitoring people using technology, there are cases where such monitoring may cause problems. CCTVs are often installed in changingtrial rooms to prevent shoplifting. However, a person may unknowingly end up naked on tape while trying on an item of clothingtrying an apparel. With regard to an employee, continuous monitoring may lead to them not enjoying workhim/her not enjoying work and ultimately quitting, to work in a more relaxed environment. In addition to this, tracking once it is known, is being done, and becomes vulnerable. Consequently, the original source can be manipulated, erased or made public.
However, I still feel that monitoring by technology, despite its drawbacks, hasdespite its drawbacks has more pros than cons. Monitoring, at public places, can help provide safety and security to people. Police and other security personnel can track mobile phone conversations of suspects without them being aware and can, therefore, prevent crime. Camera footage from a crime scenesite may help the police nab a gangster and the same tape can be used for his conviction.
In conclusion, the advantages of monitoring people via technology outweigh the disadvantages. However, steps need to be taken to ensure that there is no harm to the privacy and integrity of people while monitoring them even when they do not know, that they are being monitored.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a clear position and supports it with a useful range of workplace, security, and privacy examples. Its main limitation is that several claims are imprecise or insufficiently explained, particularly the point about tracking becoming vulnerable, while recurring collocation and sentence-control errors reduce clarity. The highest priority is to develop a more explicit comparison between security benefits and privacy risks using precise, fully explained reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses both sides, maintains a clear view that the advantages predominate, and supports its position with several relevant examples, though some points are asserted or unclear.
Explain how each example proves that the security benefits outweigh the privacy and workplace costs, especially where the reasoning about vulnerable tracking is currently obscure.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through advantages, disadvantages, and the writer's final case, with effective paragraphing despite some repetitive linking and one locally confusing passage.
Use fewer repeated contrast markers and revise the tracking passage so that each sentence has a clear logical connection to the preceding claim.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably varied topic-specific vocabulary, but frequent imprecise choices and collocations such as "mundane," "trying an apparel," and "caught from the CCTV tapes" weaken precision.
Prefer accurate, natural combinations such as "common," "trying on clothing," and "identified through CCTV footage" rather than forcing less familiar vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the main ideas, but recurring article, agreement, punctuation, and sentence-formation errors reduce control.
Proofread complex sentences for complete clause structure and agreement, particularly sentences containing inserted phrases, participles, or several linked ideas.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.