The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The line graph indicates the percentage of the population livingsettling in urban areas in the Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand and Indonesia over the period of 50 years with predictions for the next 20 years.
Overall, the difference between the PhilippinesPhillppines and Thailand had a trend of becoming wider. In addition, Malaysia accounted for the largest proportionoccupied the largest proportion over half of the period.
The figure for Malaysia followed an upward trajectory; specifically, it experienced a steep growth from the starting point at nearly 30%. This increasing trend continued after a relatively smooth change in the 1980s from 40% to 45%, then after 1990, Malaysia surpassed the Philippinessurpassed Phillippines to hold the largest percentage of population living in cities until 2020 at approximately 80%, and is projected to continue growingwith the prediction to continue growth. While the Philippines had nearlyWhile Phillppines nearly has the same starting pointstartpoint, it lost its leading position after 1990 with the figure of around 46%less than 45%. The proportion of the population in the PhilippinesThe proportion of Phillippines dropped by roughly 6 percentage pointsdropped slightly by 10%, Before starting to rise again in 2010, it dipped slightlyalthough it started to increase in 2010, its percentage still remained relatively stable, and as projected it will reach around 55% in 2040reach 50% in 2040.
Regarding Thailand and Indonesia, they had different patterns, while the started at a very similar level around 15%. Indonesia witnessed ana upward trend over the whole period, and rose consistently throughout the timeframeonly increased steadily in 1970s and 1990s, and is projected to surpass 60%, as projected to reach 60% by the end of the period. As for Thailand, the percentage saw a drastic increase in the initial 2 decades, rising from 15% to nearly 30%. Then it experienced a 30-year period fluctuation, before being projected to continue to grow in 2020.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response successfully presents the key trends of urban population growth across all four countries, supported by relevant figures and projections. However, accuracy issues in reporting specific percentages and punctuation errors creating run-on sentences limit the report's clarity. To improve, ensure data points align precisely with the visual prompt and break complex sentences into clearer, distinct clauses.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The main trends and figures are identified, though some detailed data points and projections contain minor inaccuracies.
Verify figures carefully against the line graph to ensure exact percentages, such as the 2040 projection for the Philippines, are accurately reported.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organized logically into paragraphs, but overly long sentences disrupt the overall structural flow.
Divide lengthy compound sentences using full stops to improve the logical progression between data comparisons.
Lexical Resource
A good range of trend vocabulary is used, though repetitive spelling errors and slight word misuses are present.
Avoid using terms like fluctuation for stable trends and ensure consistent spelling of key proper nouns.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex structures is attempted, but comma splices and minor grammatical slips occur frequently.
Eliminate comma splices by joining independent clauses with proper subordinating conjunctions or semicolon structures.