Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Nowadays the discussion about whether the businesses are supposed to prescribe the retirement age at fifty-five to offer more job vacancies for younger generation has become a controversy. Some believe that is a perfect attempt to support the young, others claim that this is not the case. Admittedly, encouraging the workers to retire at age of fifty-five to release the positions for younger job seekers has some merits. Firstly, fresh graduates are likely to bring a number of practical and applicable ideas to meet the current needs of the organisation. This is because they have been instilled and imparted the most updated knowledge and skills at universities. Secondly, having a larger proportion of young adults could enhance the working effectiveness and efficiency. Compared with aged staffs, younger employees are often physically stronger and energetic which enables them to carry out heavy workload to meet the deadline. However, sacrificing the senior members to save the young workers poses several negative influences. From a personal level, it fosters a sense of unfairness between the older and younger generations. It is undeniable that every person within the business enterprise has the rights to precede their work as long as they are capable of doing it, disregard the age and physical capacity. From a social perspective, massively forcing the early retirement would be one of the financial burdens of the local government. For example, sufficient pension payments and regular medical care should be given and arranged for the senior citizens after they have been imposed to terminate their employment permanently. In conclusion, even though the introduction of the early retirement has some benefits, it is convincing that it would generate a sense of discrimination among different age groups and increase the government financial pressure accordingly.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove general article Original: the businesses Suggested revision: businesses Why it matters: A general plural noun does not take the definite article here.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: prescribe the retirement age Suggested revision: set a retirement age Why it matters: Employers set a retirement age rather than prescribe one.
- 3. Add definite article Original: for younger generation Suggested revision: for the younger generation Why it matters: The singular group noun needs the definite article in this context.
- 4. Use concise phrasing Original: has become a controversy Suggested revision: has become controversial Why it matters: The adjective expresses the idea more naturally and concisely.
- 5. Add missing article Original: at age of fifty-five Suggested revision: at the age of fifty-five Why it matters: The fixed expression is “at the age of”.
- 6. Improve word choice Original: release the positions Suggested revision: free up positions Why it matters: “Free up positions” is the natural phrase for making jobs available.
- 7. Clarify workforce effect Original: working Suggested revision: workforce Why it matters: “Workforce” identifies what becomes more effective and efficient.
- 8. Correct staff noun Original: aged staffs Suggested revision: older staff Why it matters: “Staff” is uncountable in this use, and “older” is the natural modifier.
- 9. Make comparison parallel Original: physically stronger and energetic Suggested revision: physically stronger and more energetic Why it matters: Both coordinated adjectives should use the comparative form.
- 10. Fix relative agreement Original: enables Suggested revision: enable Why it matters: The relative clause refers to the plural qualities just mentioned.
- 11. Use plural noun Original: workload Suggested revision: workloads Why it matters: A general reference to employees’ work requires the plural form.
- 12. Use general plural Original: meet the deadline Suggested revision: meet deadlines Why it matters: The plural is more natural for deadlines in general.
Suggested Rewrites
- the businesses businesses
- prescribe the retirement age set a retirement age
- for younger generation for the younger generation
- has become a controversy has become controversial
- at age of fifty-five at the age of fifty-five
- release the positions free up positions
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response presents a balanced discussion and reaches a clear, relevant conclusion, with its strongest feature being the logical development of distinct benefits and drawbacks. Its main limitation is imprecise, sometimes unnatural language, compounded by the absence of clear paragraph breaks. Prioritise dividing the argument into purposeful paragraphs and replacing awkward collocations with precise, natural phrasing while maintaining the current line of reasoning.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the issue directly, considers credible advantages and disadvantages, and establishes a clear position by the conclusion.
State the qualified position explicitly in the introduction and support each main claim with a more specific example or consequence.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses logically through benefits and drawbacks, but the single-block presentation and some mechanical signposting weaken organisation.
Use separate introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, with each body paragraph centred on one controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
A reasonably broad vocabulary communicates the argument, but frequent collocational errors and inappropriate word choices reduce precision and naturalness.
Replace forced phrases such as references to prescribing retirement or sacrificing workers with simpler, accurate workplace vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex structures, although recurring article, agreement, word-form, and sentence-boundary errors limit control.
Check noun forms, subject-verb agreement, and article use systematically while keeping complex sentences clearly bounded.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Companies should encourage employees who work in a high position to leave at the age of 55 in order to give opportunities to the new generation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.